Alaska Recon Team

The Twelves

2010-11-22T10:45:00.000-09:00

The Twelves:

Works For Me (Right Click Download)

When You Talk (Right Click Download)

Who Would You Rather Be?

2010-05-06T13:59:00.000-08:00

As a tribute to the now appearing summer in Alaska, this mixtape is a good start to what should bring some more good vibes and weather! :)

(NOTE: Each track link goes to a respective blog that includes the track if you would like to download it)

1) DJ Shadow - You Made It (feat. Chris James)
2) Of Montreal - So Begins Our Alabee
3) Penguin Prison - Something I'm Not (BretonLABS Remix)
4) Pretty & Nice - Nuts & Bolts
5) Metric - Gimme Sympathy
6) Hot Chip - One Pure Thought
7) Deerhunter - Rainwater Cassette Exchange
8) Passion Pit - To Kingdom Come
9) Junior Boys - Count Souvenirs
10) Los Campesinos! - Miserabilia
11) Just Jack - Glory Days
12) The Crash - Pony Ride
13) Matt & Kim - Good Ol' Fashioned Nightmares
14) Japandroids - The Boys Are Leaving Town
15) MGMT - Weekend Wars
16) Los Campesinos! - Documented Minor Emotional Breakdown #1
17) Coconut Records - West Coast

We Are Fully Operational

2009-09-22T21:55:00.000-08:00

I've decided to revive the pulse of the blog with a fresh new look, etc al.

The main idea of whats going to be posted?

-Music Reviews
-Brief Personal Updates
-Work Related Updates
-Movie Reviews
-TV Show Reviews
-Poetry/Writings

Check back soon, i'm gonna try to re-sync Twitterfeed up to here and get it operational to full standards.

There is no more need to be pessemistic any longer in my life, so i've deleted a bunch of older posts, but left the more important ones.

Enjoy.

-Jared

#FollowFriday

2009-05-29T20:46:00.005-08:00

So, my list of people for #FollowFriday are as follow:

First and foremost, this is a special shoutout two my besties on Twitter

@PostGay & @angryfaggot
These two have been following me since i started my account in late september-ish, and have been there since and made me really want to keep my account.

-Favorites;
@Tazz602
@gregs
@w00dRabbit
@mario_nyc
@Isak (he is a rather awesome guy, very sexual with LOTS of #NSFW material)
@Billy3G (him and @Isak are like my 2nd favorite besties =D)
@notfarfromcrazy
@OhMyBlogItsJoey
@devilishdelish
@acidrefluxweb
@queercincinnati
@bromancedating
@jst_chris
@BadEvan>(he's a total jerkface but i love him)
@jddalton
@GGGKeri (she's such a doll face... =D thats right! i said it!)
@GlobalGuysGear
@geekjames
@NiteStar
@DanielJUK
@Fisher6225
@madartista
@rjdennis
@bsandusky (a.k.a. La'Brett)
@a1topnotch
@jbritto
@Airrun
@StuartEvan (and his big frakkin' bag)
@sexydeadstar (andrew..you are still beautiful with all the scars) & @BurbankBoy
@MatthewMonroe
@Bryan_Viper
@xxscott05xx
@rodrigdb
@FrogBoy229
@Plaintruthines
@RisenAbove
@CDX
@iCab
@quixoticblazes (hes a total smart and cute guy)
@brooding_soul
@jholman23
@inebriation (mikey <3)
@withlove87
@MisterDude
@hygienestudent(why aren't you dead yet?)
@VonIrrwegen
@Peyta (total outspoken individual. love him)
@SMMpharmd & @artemisrex (they both deliver some of the best #hashtags i've seen)
@josephchristian (for being a great guy and enjoying the music i listen to as well. #LNA)
@texasnate
@marris19
@Jams727
@jstar27 (jennifer knows how to bring a smile to my face)
@jrwasu (because he stalks @ntinaz and his boyfriend)
@RAPEY
@Dickiemaxx
@jayd
@nelsonsito
@PierrePenguin(@PostGay's amazing sidekick)
@JuicyStory (great ideas/ideals he has)
@aja175 & @buffawhat
@rbflygal (because shes the only straight girl that actually talks to me)
@phillip0215
@chips99
@dmitriy_usher
@XavierMathews
@LinuxWeather
@DistrictOfAris
@AddiQtion
@mnrmg
@JSpikEThing
@_santi
@MarkRosenbauer
@jgmaty99
@madonnamike
@JesterTunes
@KCL1976 (he made me...cause i really do <3 him enough :D)
@DrivenIdealist
@tboneps
@YoScottie
@SkaPunkPezzy
@flyingdigit
@izka2
@CJHatter
@ItzJeffy
@CiscoLaRisco
@boogdog
@heartstarbolt
@Mike12329
@kjsmith87(cause he's cute)
@AnKuAlGa
@volcompunk (why did you ever have to leave alaska?)
@DanielMiller89
@xSOVx
@clipperkid747 (he didnt force me like @KCL1976 so he gets extra props)
@NewroticAngel
@jaysteruk
@rjw8888
@PeterJWestwick
@HeathCastor
@websitejeff
@MisterKevin
@drable
@wowo72
@apmckeown
@InsidePorn
@HSMikeHancock
@msheaff
@GonzoGuy_Austin
@MichaelBKK
@TmexII
@RockWithU
@jimyvr
@RJDanvers
@FozzieBear (im his stalker)
@Freeballer30
@jaredhaha
@joelheitmar
@kirkfontenot & @sleepyhead026
@waynemarkle
@KairuIshimaru
@spurofmoment
@Topher2882
@truskowski
@MontMaxton
@toddschoonover
@chrisgeidner
@timjheim
@eKerm
@photokunstler
@closetguy

-LGBT Rights:
@BILLinBCNBILLinBCN
@nathanOUTloud
@btmenwbtmenw
@NoOnProp8
@ntinaz
@gayatheist
@ranggrol
@gaycom
@gaysdotcom
@MANHUNTnet
@CourageCampaign
@jaysays
@davidbadash
@idahochallenge
@boogdog(because he's absolutely fabulous and beautiful!)

-Locals:
@BigDaveGrizzly
@mitchkitter
@akmattb
@kael_ak
@KWHL1065
@SnowCityCafe
@assjb4
@IgniteAnchorage
@AlaskaTweets
@AnniePants
@yourshade
@degrizzlybear
@Miss_Tepp
@sammsho
@AsH_Lizzle

NOH8

2009-05-26T12:22:00.001-08:00

Modern Conversation/Socialism

2009-05-13T23:41:00.002-08:00

So I attempted to write this post, and never did, and sent it to the Blog on accident, so it came up blank on everyone's Blog roll and on my Twitterfeed.

But I'm gonna attempt to re-write and re-establish the flow and ideals of what I was going to write.

The base ideal about what this post was to be about is how modern conversations and grammer, etc have gone downhill from the start of time.
Its kinda interesting how we as humans socialize and internet in a multitude of ways, in person, online, letters, sign language, and symbols. But at the same time, it seems the entire establishment of it all has gone down hill. How? We seem to abbreviate/shorten our words into shorter sentences and attempt to make a point in less and less words and detail, which is a bad thing, because it leaves out a large amount of the detail of the conversation or topic.

The reason I wanted to post this is because while I'm at work, I monitor that gay.com chat room, and it makes me laugh yet feel kinda immoral to laugh, due to the fact that people will sign-in to the website and enter the chat room, and initiate a conversation with people they know online, and may or may NOT know in real life, its interesting how they seem to just delve into what they are doing so openly with multiple people reading what they are doing. Seems like a bit of an invasion of privacy or even a glimpse into a private life you may or may not want to know about. A lot of networking websites seem to make me feel this way, of course it is more of a choice to do these, because we as humans feel the need for social contact. Other sites, including Myspace.com Facebook.com and Twitter.com seem to really allow an open ended conversation with people we know, and we can of course connect with old friends, family, etc. But what about with new people? Like people we don't know? Is that an invasion of privacy that we are allowing or just something we don't even realize? We are letting people know exactly what we are doing and where we are. It makes it seem a lot easier for someone to commit a crime or something else upon someone.

But its just really interesting in context as to why we allow ourselves to be so open about this and not care to notice, because we get social when someone talks to us that we let our guard down. I don't know where I'm really going with this, but I'll try to work some more out of this post, it seems harder attempting to post a post that I'm not in the same moment that I wanted to post it.

But on the same note I want to touch base on how we seem to shorten and use improper grammer now. We tend to not use good grammer, not that we don't use grammer in a proper way, I mean that we tend to either say a word multiple times. And expample? "and I was like...and she was like..." I noticed that I say "like" a lot in my conversations in public, and that we also seem to abbreviate our words, especially in the web 2.0 frontier. We use lol, brb, jk, etc. To shorten our conversations and establish a comical base on the topic. I've noticed that we don't use large words also, in the sense of using a thesaurus for, using synonyms instead of using such over used words.

It seems harder and harder to find people who speak with justice and poetic values, and know how to speak what they want in a way that can open new doors to people, but we choose to use such bland and retorical words that are so overly used.

I feel I'm loosing track with this post, so I'm going to wrap it up right now.

This is the worst post to date I think I've written. I am going to not do a repost of a post that I forgot to do...it tends to be tedious to recall the information.

Have a good night guys and girls!

Thanks for your constant support and reading the Blog, it makes me smile knowing that others understand what I'm trying to say.

-Dr. Jared Michael. Sent with care from my BlackBerry®

What's The Purpose & Drive Of Life?

2009-03-30T23:51:00.001-08:00

Earlier today me and my co workers had a very in depth almost 2 hour long existential conversation.

But also, I wanted to state that I have fully moved out of my house. :]

Now, after this move, i've felt good yet uncomfortably awkward. I feel like something is missing, as if though i'm missing that drive and ambition of purpose.

Now, I felt like attempting to blog my views. So this will be rather interesting

I want to know....what is the purpose and drive to bring human. To break that down, why are we here on this planet. What is the driving force that makes us go forward and continue to delve into our daily activities, or commit crimes, etc.
What's the reasoning.
What's the ambition on sort. I've always been the kind of person who personally doesn't express my views on life, death, politics, religion, and "taboo" subjects, because of course i'm afraid my opinion on the matter will offend people.
I'm the kind of person who dwells on the negative aspects on a situation, and continues to always think "what if", or "how could I have done that better". I also seem to keep these negative idea around me, and always let them get me down for no reason. I let them eat me alive

I try my best to change this aspect, because its good try bad. I'm too empathetic and remorseful of past mistakes, and when they are brought up, I seem to get moody and dejected. Its weird. I feel like it was a mistake I'll never live down.

I don't know really what my purpose or drive is, and still have yet to even understand it. I said earlier while talking with my co workers, "we can't really say we fully know what our drive/purpose is until we are on our death bed, because that's the point in our life when we are able to finally look back fully and see what we have done in life. It allows us to look back and be like.....that's what made me do what I did."

Of course love is a major motivator in drive and purpose, but that's always been like the glue to the art. Its what keeps everything together practically.
Its like, it just always will be there no matter what, even in our darkest times, its that shining light, and its also our guide.

Another thing I would have to say is family? Potentially that's an iffy thing, because we as humans come from many different homes and lifestyles that change our perspectives on everything. I personally come from a home that is and has always been in chaos and rage, yet intertwined with passion and love. Its a sickening combination in my eyes. But everything must be equaled out with good and bad right? Ying and yang?

Its a funny thing, cause leaving that house makes me feel good that i've finally escaped the negativity that I dwelled on, but it also makes me feel i'm missing the equal balance of good and bad, like i'm having the good by escaping, but also at the same time, I seem to be missing something, something tangible.

I feel like since with my family that, leaving has allowed me to move onward. But at the same time I feel like that missing piece is chaos. I feel like i've lost that driving force......

(unfortunately, I can't go further with this post. It's to much to wrap my head around. Sorry people. I just can't do it)

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

A Breakthrough: Video of HIV Infecting Uninfected Cells

2009-03-30T13:43:00.003-08:00

Scientists have made a breakthrough in understanding how HIV spreads through the human body after filming the process for the first time ever.

By Murray Wardrop
Last Updated: 8:46AM GMT 27 Mar 2009

Researchers found that the virus is transferred from infected cells to healthy ones in a previously unknown way.

It is hoped that the discovery will help researchers create a vaccine to combat the virus, which has led to the deaths of more than 25 million people.

The study was made possible after experts created a molecular clone of infectious HIV and inserted a protein into its genetic code which glows green when exposed to blue light.

This allowed scientists to see the cells on digital video, and capture the way HIV-infected T-cells interact with uninfected ones.

They noted that when an infected cell came into contact with a healthy one, a bridge was created between them, called a virological synapse.

Researchers were then able to observe the fluorescent green viral particles moving towards the synapse and into the healthy cell.

The US study has broken new ground by revealing that it is the synapse through which the viral proteins are gathered and moved into uninfected cells.

The team, comprising scientists from UC Davis university in California, and Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York, believe that this knowledge could help create new treatments for HIV and Aids.

Study author Dr Thomas Huser, chief scientist at the UC Davis Center for Biophotonics Science and Technology, said: "Our findings may explain why attempts to develop an HIV vaccine have so far been unsuccessful.

"The more we know about this mode of transfer, the better chance we have of figuring out how to block it and the spread of HIV and Aids.
"

For decades it was believed that HIV was mostly spread around the body through freely circulating particles, which attach themselves to a cell, take over its replication machinery and make multiple copies of themselves.

In 2004, scientists discovered that cell-to-cell transfer of HIV also occurred via virological synapses, but it was not understood why the process was so effective in spreading the virus.

Due to this, previous efforts to create an HIV vaccine have focused on priming the immune system to recognise and attack proteins of free-circulating virus.

The new video footage indicates that HIV avoids recognition by being directly transferred between cells.

Dr Huser said: "We should be developing vaccines that help the immune system recognise proteins involved in virological synapse formation and antiviral drugs that target the factors required for synapse formation.
"

Co-author Benjamin Chen, assistant professor of medicine and infectious diseases at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine, added: "Direct T-cell-to-T-cell transfer through a virological synapse is a highly efficient avenue of HIV infection, and it could be the predominant mode of dissemination.
"

Further research intends to discover what happens to viral particles once they are transferred into a newly infected cell.

The study's finding are published in the journal Science.

(The Original Article can be found here)

A War With Angels & Ghosts Not Guns & Bombs.

2009-03-30T01:50:00.001-08:00

I don't know why this happened, but this weekend i've felt I want to go to church.

Like actually sit through an entire service for just one time.

To delve deeper, its been almost 5 years since i've been to church, and by saying "been to church" I mean actually sitting through a service/sermon.
I've of course been inside of a church once in the last 5 years, to do a photography shoot, which was the most fun i've had in a while. I really grasped the meaning and power of photography and what religion is.

To go into my religious views, is opening a can of worms that can potentially hurt me and others. Of course i'm rather open about my views and my religious standpoint, so I'll state it now.

I follow and practice the teachings of Buddhism. Of course a lot of the views are very hard to keep up with because we are all guilty of performing them. But hey, we're only human right?

But my views are very "mixed" with different aspects and ideals from other religions, because i've grown up in many different religious households.

Mainly being, Christian/catholic. I also lived with family that was Lutheran.

Of course my religious views have changed over the last 19 years. Going from Christian to Catholicism, then to Luthernism, moving onto being agnostic, then dabbling in wiccan, and finally falling smack dab into Buddhism.

To really explain how that hot mess of a mixture of views came about, I'll explain.

I was born and raised in a Christian family, my mother being agnostic, my father Roman catholic, and his family mainly a mix of Christian and catholic. For about 15 years I was raised on the value of going to church each Sunday morning, and if we missed that service, we'd go on Monday. Now, being young I didn't fully grasp what the meaning of it all was, it was just a place we went. I knew a lot of the prayers and hymns pretty well, and liked the way the words were wrote. It was poetry to my young mind.
Of course, I was raised in that environment, so it was just habit. I never did prayers before bed, only when I really wanted something good, kinda like wishing on that shooting star ideal.

Childrens views always make me giggle knowing we have all done so.

But I was raised in that environment, and enjoyed it I guess. Of course being around 10 I noticed I started looking at boys very "funny". And hearing a lot from the grownups/adults, having such thoughts were very bad and not good for me. Of course I kept my mouth shut.
15 years I lived that life, and never understood it. It still feels odd to look back, and judge how I was, and how people act now in religion.

Why should we allow religion to standardize us as people, and make our personal views be based off a philosophy that has been around for ages and has been manipulated and torn apart multiple times and re assembled back to make it more "modern".

Now i'm starting to open a can of worms. Oh well. I think I can, seeing how this is my blog? Right?

Oh fucking well. Suck it. :)

Back to my story.

After being raised in a Christian home/environment, I was moved with other family members (my father abandoned me and my brothers and we got seperated to live with other family members). They were not Christian. They were Lutheran.

Now l personally didn't grasp the religion at all, cause it seemed the same, so I just blew it off. They put us in catacism (sic) classes, which was even more weird, because it was like a recap on the creation, etc. So whatever. I also "cheated" on our quizes our pastor have us. We had to learn verses, so I wrote the first letter of each word down and memorized the words and placed a word to a single letter.
Kinda a sneaky way to do it. Improved my memorization skills magically.

But I never fully grasped or delved into their religious views.

After we moved to Alaska in June of 2004, making it almost 5 years now, I was basically given the choice of freedom of choice.
Confusing?

Let me attempt to explain. I came here expecting my mother to be religious, and everything to be just like back home in Wisconsin. Boy was I wrong.
The atmosphere and ideals of this town was a total culture shock to me. It was weird adjusting to such new things. I of course was stil very involved with going to church, and asked my mom if I could get a ride to church and if there were churches here.

Of course I dropped that quickly. I suddenly felt free when I came to Alaska, as if though I wasn't being pressured and being upheld to responsibilities of maintaining my religious views established by my family. I was able to destroy myself and rebuild into a person, instead of being a force fed specimen that was told what to do, and did what I was told.

Of course I started to really collect myself together on what I believed, and what really made me think of how we are here.

I fully understood after a while. There isn't a god. But something obviously out there that has powers over what we do, etc.
Not male or female, just a being. Or a force. Something there but really not.

I of course at the same time was intrigued by the views of witchcraft and wiccan. So I dabbled in that, and really enjoyed the views. Its not black magic also. Its just embracing who you are and respecting nature and yourself.

Oh and I just realized. I also studied satanicism ...err I think it's called satanism? Fuck it. I owned the Satanic Bible. Yes. :) call me a hypocrite, or a blasphemer. I'm young and still wanting to learn the world.

But back to my new found open ideals. I was basically handed the opportunity. Take it or leave it.

So I took it. I needed it. I was done being fed things that I personally thought to be "false" and "made up". How so? Because I always wondered. Who wrote the bible? Yeah yeah yeah. I know "supposedly" multiple people wrote it or something, but seriously. Its just a book. A fucking stack of papers bound together with string and hard covers.
Whatever. It just seemed like I was being fed information that wasn't relative to what I personally viewed as my world.

After being able to respect myself and learn about who I am, I felt that knowing something was out there but isn't primarily a masculine ideal.

Now this makes me laugh also, I wrote a poem/interactive art piece for a first Friday even back in 07 that I attempted to use at a christian homeless shelter. The kicker? I stayed clearly and bluntly that "god is not a man. For he is a she. Yes...god is a woman"

Now, that got me in a pickle, I had to cut the piece, and it made me mad, but of course I had to be conservative about their establishments views and morals.

But back now, I finally was able to cope with myself and feel expressive. It also helped me realize being gay isn't a bad thing, its actually the most liberating thing. It makes you respect who you are and what you are doing.

Now, I found the religion of Buddhism while on my stay at the same organization that I almost preached god was a woman. Shit you not. Its fucking hilarious.
But one of the staff workers knew about Buddhism, and listened to my life views and told me about Buddhism, and said that it fits me more than anything.

So he lent me a book, which I still have somewhere, in which its a different type of Buddhism, its based on 5 precepts.

Now these are hard to follow of course, but i've done my best.

Okay, now back to now. I think that's a reasonable amount of my religious views and history

But the reason i'm posting this is cause lately I feel like i'm still raging a war against my religious views. Like I said earlier, i've been wanting to go to church. No reason as to why I want to, I just feel I want to see what I used to do as a child, and see how much my views have changed to really respect the views of another man/woman.

Ugh. I just feel like i'm battling myself, and that my choice of religious views is of course correct, but also at the same time I feel lost in my own views. Like they are to much for me at times, and I just want to collapse and give everything up and just say fuck it.

Religon is not my strongpoint, and neither are politics, but my views are very diverse and rather entensive. Its hard to explain them fully, because I even get confused by my own views and feel like i've lost myself.

I just feel I want to escape. I don't know why I feel like i'm having a war either. But it's an uneasy medium of good and bad i'm feeling. I try to understand it, yet am afraid to try to understand fully.

Of course it also allows me to open myself up and allow others to poke and prod at my insides. See what makes me tick I guess.

Well i'm off. Need to sleep.

Caio.

-Dr. Jared Michael
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

My Chapter As A Homeless Youth.

2009-03-11T04:34:00.000-08:00

This is a journal that I started during my stay at The Covenant House Alaska, an emergency shelter for runaway or homeless youth.

To explain a little on why I was here, is that the number one reason is because I did not have a place to live. Family couldn't take me in because of space issues, and in my incomplete life story, I made some choices that barred me from staying with family.

So my final option was to go to this shelter.

Here is my chapter from staying there.

Dated 1-28-2008

***NOTE***

I am only placing this and another key part to this journal in here, there is too much information to type, and hopefully sooner than later I will post the whole journal.

But for now, here is what I feel like sharing! Enjoi! :)

1-28-2008 COVENANT HOUSE (Day 1 - Chapel)

Why am I crying? Life is coming at me too fast, I don't want to end it either, I want to make it right. I want to be on that last train home. I'm so scared about being here, but I know I shouldn't, cause I know i'm safe but at the same time I still feel alone, even knowing Eric is one call away, I miss him now, as if though i'm worlds apart. I hate these feelings. I just want my life to be better and I know I'll probably get help from these guys.

Reed is a good guy, he's cool, but overall he's a good guy. The dude that looks like clif makes me smile and know that somethings work out when we put ourselves to the test. He told me i'm pretty stable for doing this, I mean coming out so soon had being 18 and dealing with drama and jowing my mom is going to be living in her van possibly, he's great, I mean he kinda showed me in a sense, how caring people I've NEVER met can be. I KNOW I can make my life better, if I put myself to the test and push forward in my life and continue to strive towards my goals. I know I,m gonna need to get my ass into gear, and get shit going. I mean, their helping me in ways I wasn't putting my full potential too! They're helping me with my life, and the nurse lady is helping me by sending in an STD test, I know i'm clean, but I need to check. I also have been looking into a dermitologist for me, which is great! I think that i'm realizing that people I've never met can help me with my life, but all they want in return is to see ME complete it. They're sort of just my stepping stone in the pond.

I know I shouldn't have just broken down, but I couldn't hold it back, it was just eating at me more and more. It hurts for me to be this way and I know it probably hurts them to see someone so young in such a bad situation. I know i'm gonna try to make my life more better each day, and try to keep in contact with mom and everyone, and Eric. I'm gonna try to push myself to get better and to be more stable and stronger in my life, no more letting me have my emotions take over. I need to feel in complete control over all of my emotions, have control over my life, not my life having control over me. I want to write my own future and forget the past.

I am going to strive to be a better person, and take back MY life. No more mr. Fucking nice guy world. Here comes Jared Michael Krapfl. And i'm coming back with avengeance! Now i'm feeling a little better, i'm getting ready for bed, which doesn't seem odd. I mean I feel safe for now. It smells a little funny though =P
But the view from this room is beautiful, I can see town square! The ice sculptures are all lit up, and there's a light snow flurry, not strong, it looks like something out of a movie. I kinda peeked my head out of the window and had to take a look. The breeze on my face cooled down the burning sensation from my years. Which still kinda burn a little. I can still feel the stinging on my temples. Chris is the name of the guy who looks like clif. I also made a friend my first day! Well I actually made a few. I met "Frog" as she tells me to call her, she's a pretty cool girl, the other kids are pretty calm to. Tomorrow i'm getting up at 6, i'm gonna eat some breakfast and call mom and Eric. Then i'm gonna go over to the kaladi brothers and apply, the attend JDP (job development program) and find a job. Maybe get a little help with that situation. I haven't met my roomate yet either. I hear he's crazy...

1-29-2008
2nd Day @ Covenant

So about right now its like oh roughly 5:42am in the morning, I didn't sleep that well, I was in and out of it, having dreams that ranged from violence to joy pepain and pleasure. I don't remember them in particular, but I know what they were, dreams are such a funny thing. Its just the body's mind sorting out everything, memories, thoughts, etc. And its just sorting them out, filing them away. It's sort of like we're just watching a movie, but the projectionist is having to find the right movie reel. I feel better, but still everything is just starting so fast. And I just want to make it slow down. So I can see what I can do to help. Today I get to find out who my case manager is, i'm hoping its either chris or Reed. I've been watching the lights in town square all night, just watching them, I can't really are the ice set cause the tree's but the lights are some what drawing me in to them, making me feel better inside. Now its time to go downstairs. Got up at 6.
Doesn't seem like 6 sleesdy. Its still dark outside, but my stomach is a rumblin, and i'm ready for some grub!

I put my stuff away into the locker in my room, which the locked is marked with the number 2. The name of the room I don't know yet, but I will look at it when I leave for downstairs. I picked up a copy of the yahoo! Hotjobs paper and was unsuccessful, most of those jobs I guess seemed to be office, clerical or out of town and they all required 2+ years of experience. Not me! I'll go on the Alexsys system later and find someone probably especially since i'm downtown. I finished this book called "Shotgun Opera" and wow, that was a GREAT book, it was amazingly intense, i've only been reading it since yesterday too, which is good timing, it was of course a good read, but I don't know what i'm gonna do next. I'm still tired as hell, and my eyes feel and look like i'm atoned, but i'm not, I think it was something on the pillow case, maybe I got an allergic reaction to something? Whatever it is, I know its going away, last night I couldn't sleep cause my eyes burned from crying. I feel like I should be in hand and ankle shakles for some reason, I just feel boxed in too, but I don't at the same time, I guess its just having to follow rules and being watched by camera, is what makes me feel like i'm in shackels. Maybe i'm just bring insecure. I don't know i'm trying to keep my distance from everyone. I don't know why, but I feel like i'm out of place here, cause everyone seems to act all big and bad here.

***This is the end of the journal for now.....I am inserting a final entry after this point***

this is originally writen in my journal, and i feel the need to share it with others to see if they understand me more now. possibly? or maybe youll just think im more psychotic than i already am.

<Dated>
5-12-08

ive finally realized im a victim of conforming conflicts. i dont know why, butim realizinga lot of things, like the little things, that people overlook.i mean when i was in the shower, i was thinking of how much i realize thing like reality wise. like i actualy think of how something affects someone at any moment, a mistake or a good deed. anything we do can make a great outcome to someone. its strange how each day, we lie to everyone, even OURSELVES!

most people dont think of it, i mean every time we smile and shake hands, and say oh yeah, im doing great or oh my days kinda bad blah blah blah. were lying ALL THE TIME!

the truth is that we are just covering up our truths with lies to make everything seem okay to everyone else or try to get sympathy.whatever the choice is, its all just a lie. when we go to sleep, we overlook our day, yet always forget the tragedy or bad. we try to look at the bright side to not feel depressed. but the truth is this, that we are living a life of complete lies.i cant sleep now, i feel so odd and out of sync with the world now. i mean, i feel like im the only one whos on this specific level of thought process, even though people will say that they are at the same place. i mean its strange how we lie. we say one thing to cover up the truth, but refuse to let the truth out, cause we feel someone might think of us differently. being insane so to speak.maybe its just that ive conjured up a thought process that collaberates my cognative thinking and thought process of life to a greater standard that boggles even me? maybe its because when i smoked pot, i thought to much about life? maybe? but i dont think that thinking while under the influence is bad? maybe its good for us? i mean i feel alone cause i think so highly and differently of life. it is strange how we as people cringe in fear at things and say were gonna live life to the fullest, when in fact we dont!

i feel myself concluding this but i dont want to, cause i feel like i might be onto something that might help me figure this out more. maybe im just always paranoid and thinking to much? hmmm. im confused now.

after this point, i stopped writing and watched a movie called THE NINES. here is the journal afterwards from watching that movie.
p.s. look for the NINES

im so numb to the fact about everything now, i feel absolutely confused, estranged and to the utmost extent absolute. after watching this strange movie THE NINES, ive realized a lot but i cant seem to express if i just suddenly feel like i finally understnad what adriana was trying to tell me, just about oh ten minutes ago, i was looking at myself in the mirror, and i felt numb. like absolutely numb. i could feel everything, but it felt so routine like my life feels like its so planned out, and im just following it out. but this may be a bump in the road or a missing page in the book. ithink i need tro talk to reed tomorrow about this, i made a wrist band. blue.i have no idea or recolection why i made it either, and i am for some strange reeason feeling like this is not me even writing this. ive had (this part is unreadable even to me)

but just now, even i looked backwards at my writing, it feels and makes me wonder what is wrong...or maybe this is just what i need in my life? a new comprehensive complex rebuilding of my life.the street lights just danced also.it seems so funy how we rule our lives all tgether by one person and also at the same time. NUMBERS.

the streets signs blink at a rate of numerical calculations, we as humans and our hearts beat is NUMERICAL beats. and timing.STRANGE?

what is my number in life?

***-**-3453?

a number that is my life?

i choose this one now..

XIII

i am 13, jared michael krapfl.
born June 15th, 1989

Now here is another thing that i didnt know i wrote. a letter to myself.

Dear Jared,i think your going insane, i believe you with all your philisophical ideas, etc, but this is considered unnatural in societies eyes, and its gonna make you end up in a bad place.when you read this, try not to think to hard about when you wrote this, you are completely bling to society, and yes.you are listening to violent j - wizard of the hood.thanks for listening! yourself,

(signed jared michael krapfl)

FIN

its strange, this day, this morning to be exact./

when i wrote this first part of m new blog,/

it was strange to write it, to even read my own words./

when i looked outside and was overviewing the outside/

everything seemed different/

less routine, less same shit different day style of life/

i felt like inducing myself to vomit for some reason/

i dont know why though, it was strange/

i mean i realized and woke up feeling the same as i did when i went to bed/

confused and more awake to the reality of life/

i still feel that way, but everything seems different/

less routine/more sporatic/

i feel so free now for some reason/like ive broken off from the simple mold of everyday lifestyles that compel us to be one/

strange things are happening to me/

and i joyfully accept them now/

you may think im going insane probably/

but i think that im just opening new doors to a better horizon/

FIN/

i think ive figured it out...well a small portion of it anyways.the reason why i had those thoughts, is cause of sleep deprivation....well actually its not a total case of SD, but its a mild form,i realized it last night when i was up at 130 something or around that in the morning in bed trying to sleep.
my body was telling me to go to sleep,but my mind was like....WAKE THE FUCK UP!
and then the thoughts came.everything...again and again.i dont know why it seems to be like that, but i didnt feel tired, i felt awake. like my body was tired, but my mind was on overdrive.its strange.well i guess maybe im finding out more about it, or its just my mind is to overworked?
hmm...im gonna get back to my buddhism reading now....

FIN./

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

The Unquestionable Truth of What Is Real and What Is Not...This Is Me.

2009-03-11T03:21:00.001-08:00

So this little piece, is a personal work, that I documented a spell of my depression over the span of a day. It helped me recover fairly quickly.
This happened at school nonetheless.

Dated: November 24th 2006

(Again, thanks to @RJDennis via Twitter for the idea to post these!)

The Unquestionable Truth of What is Real and What Is Not...This Is Me.

What is true life? What's love? Why do I feel this, this urge and sense that my entire body is just a cold shell? I feel empty all of a sudden, for no reason! I feel a void that seems like its infinite and it'll never be able to be filled, everyone around me are falling in love, not i/this may be the problem? I haven't felt this way before, I mean I've had depression, and I hated that feeling, I felt as if though my entire life had no true purpose of sole existence of any means. I felt "empty" but not the way I do now, this feeling is greater and far more powerful than that time. Maybe it is because I don't have a girlfriend, maybe it is because i'm not in a relationship, or maybe its because I don't spend enough time/get rough time to spend with all my closest friends. First off all the people I hold dear and close to me, I would feel empty if I lost them. All of them: clif, Sarah, Shannon, Sarah B., Jeff, Josh, Lance, Darci and other. I would break down and probably never be able to recover. All those people are the ones who have made my life go to this exact place and time.

I wonder what they think of me? A friend, just some random person with an obsession over them or do they really accept me, listen to me for who I am, give me input, try to help and would be there if I got in an accident or died? How do I know? My entire life is spuning a downward spiral, to where? I can't tell or even guess where. My 3 (almost) years of being up here have been great! I've met people I'd never think I'd meet. I've done things I've never done or planned on doing! Jesus Christ! I've done things I shouldn't have at the same time, but all those/these choices that I've made are part of what I'd have never done, and gotten myself this far! 1 year of trying alcohol, that same year, the first time I got atoned. 2nd and 3rd year, talking to my family in the lower 48! I laugh and try at the same time I fear what might come out of all this after they find out all these "hidden secrets" of mine. During the 2nd year was my period of depression, I wanted/felt the need to die, but I knew that if I did that it would bring pain and other catatrophies to my family. Before I even moved up here I was angry one day and grazed my wrists with scissors and had marks. I wore long sleeve shirts for a week!

I felt as if though I had committed adultry against god! I felt horrible and cried myself to sleep. Then this year, I scream at my mother! My own mom! I felt like I deserved to be thrown into the deepest darkest hole and be tortured. The next day she forgave me after I asked her to forgive me. The entire summe I had to deal with a good friend, but he pissed me off a lot, with his friends and other "things". He would always ask me if I had weed, if I wanted to ALWAYS smoke, then smoke another, right after that! He was sort of on my shitlist, I had a grudge against him, but I let it go most of the time. He moved out. Didn't hear from him for a LONG time, then he came to get his stuff, then I saw him when I was playing pool at Minnesota Billiards! He looked a lot better than the last time I saw him, and I felt like he was a friend again, like the first time I met him.

There's tons of things I can write here about my experience and angers, and that's just snot what i'm going to do.

What this is, if anyone ever reads this, this isn't a journal, this is something new, not a biography, etc.
This is just what is me. This is me, Jared Krapfl, me, my life, my experiences. The hardships and feelings, thoughts and other shit that is ripping boundaries in my world. The next thing. Since I've gotten out my sudden feeling of sadness, but it comes/came back when I just thought about my friends, I feel like crying at every moment, but crying never solves anything in life, neither does taking my anger out on anything. There is no truly exclusive way for me to express my feelings, I've told them to my friends, they've listened but it still doesn't help.

I don't know any way I could get all this rage, emotions, sadness, dear, and everything else out! I want a clean slate! I don't want a counselor, I don't care how much they say it's easier for a person to talk to a total stranger, fuck that! Your telling all your personal problems, etc. To this person! If I could sit down with a few people in one pom and try to express and attempt to release all these feelings and personal demons, I would choose: clif, Jeff, and my sister Megan and Darci.

My life is becoming more "complex"...I've been having very [grotesque thoughts]: my "mind"/conscience/"complex" keeps "showing" me things that don't seem real anymore, like my reflection or even looking at a person, every aspect of them seems contorted, then perfectly normal, if i'm with a friend, nothing happens. Is this the long-term psychological effects of my use of marijuana? Or am I just going crazy?

I've tried to explain this "syndrome" to people/friends, but they say i'm weird and I make no sense. It scares me even now, after almost 4 months of sobriety! I've made a large mistake by saying that, but I need to get it off my chest. I made a pact to Jeff that my birthday would be my last day of smoking pot, but I failed and I feel I need to let him know. Which I know he will, because i'm making a copy of this for him and a few others, I just pray to god or any other higher brings out there, to please not allow him to disown or disrespect me. I'm sorry...

My thoughts I've been having make me fear, they are "telling" me that I should second guess whether or not this is all real. Is this all i'm going to do for the rest of my life? Do the same scheduled things each day? I'd rather have each day be spontaneous and random, things I'd never expect to happen would appear, its a drawback to. At the same time my entire life seems/seemed half-full, when I wrote 2 letters to 2 of my best friends, people who I care about so much: clif and Jeff. Inside these letters where words of emense kindness and care from a place I never knew I had in me.
Clife told me, that it was the nicest thing anyone has ever "told" him. I told him its cause its true. I've gone through a bunch of shit with him also, I've gotten drunk and almsot died of alcohol poisoning. He and I felt like shit. He never came back for half a year. On my 16th birthday, he was there. On my 17th birthday, he was there. Christmas, thanksgiving. He was there. I've become "attached" to him, and every day I don't/didn't get to see him, I felt like life would end, I never got to say goodbye. This is the same way I feel when I see everyone else, I want to find them, even if it's just to say good-bye, it makes me feel good.

I've gotten almost all my problems on paper, and I feel more "light". Meaning I feel like I've said almost enough to feel "normal". Completion is something I've always wanted, to feel complete, meaning I want to be able to express myself, do all those things I said in the begining, to make myself happy, but at the same time I'll probably distance myself from my friends. I wonder what my friends thing when they know i'm there but I don't stalk them. I wan't to know if they care for me, I want them to stay in touch with me other than phone and email. I want....a creation of everything new in my life. I want to know if people judge me due to rumors or if they judge me by what I wear, I don't give a fuck about fashion anymore, I'd rather wear something no one else wants to wear, than rather be part of a stereotypical, fully automatic, moving assembly line of look-a-like imitations who need to go with the trend! I wanna break the mold! But at the same time i'm scared. I'm scared that all my friends who see me do that may think differently of me.

This last thing is something I think is important for me to express:

I'M GLAD TO BE ALIVE, WITH ALL THE FRIENDS, FAMILY I'VE GOT/MADE.

Thank you to all and hopes of your dreams become true & that you accepted me as a friend/or a close friend

<signed>
Jared Michael Krapfl
November 24th 2006

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

The Journal Of Jared Krapfl (With. Missing Subnotes)

2009-03-11T02:02:00.002-08:00

This was originally a Creative Writing class assignment for high school, we had to do a memoir of ourselves so to speak, originally I only gave my teacher a portion of it, without the subnotes, due to the actualt overlook of what may have caused it.

This also is a little insight into my drug abuse of Marijuana. Yes, I did do drugs. :p and I admit that openly. But here goes! The subnotes will be set up like the following: (*subnote)

A Special Thanks To @RJDennis via Twitter for giving me the idea to post this.

Originally Wrote: October 24th, 2006

**Journal of Jared Krapfl**

Journal Entry Date: October 24, 2006

To This Wonderous book of carefully cut to precise fit papers.

The world all around me is distilling itself into a series of unspeakable tongues and forgeign literatures! I've tried to collect and analytze the facts and fiction that we are force-fed each day, but my toiling agony creeps up and eatroya all my further research. Its been two (2) years since the day that my mind had been corrupted (*Corrupted: the use of marijuana, which was an interesting time of use, it was hard to cope with it and letting my friends know about it, because I didn't know what to expect. I haven't told my family in wisconsin, so it will shock them, but when I told Jeff about it, he seemed real cool with it. Its just he was concerned with me possibly being to addicted to it, but it never got that bad and I've quite and made my pact due with him, which i'm glad, cause i'm treated like a person of normal respect when i'm around him.)
And it pains me to think of this world as just fictional fantasy land of joy and bliss...or is it that we are just living out an she's old scripture? Back a month ago, I blacked out in the middle of a store (!) in public, and at the time that I blacked out, my mind seemed to be colliding with the harsh realities of a reality not meant for our eyes and minds to see and that of some other unbelievable fantasy land (so to speak)...

After that day my mind has not worked very properly (*explained below further, but the sensations of being high were phenominal but at most times they aremeed very frightening and I wondered why I pulled myself into such a bad place.) or it might be infact that it is working properly it is just that I have unlocked more than meets the eye in my mind (?)...might I be going insane? People all around me seemed to stay the same, but the way that I perceive things as a true part of reality, sometime go off balance (*nothing seemed real or to be more precise everything felt like the complete grasp of an object seemed allmost in vein for me to think of it as real. Things seemed strange and at times they felt as if though I didn't belong or that my eyes and sight were playing trucks on me. I still know not what went on...) and I tend to think to metaphorical and grotesque thoughts flash across the mind....grotesque thoughts of what this world really is supposed to be like or if it's just that we are all not really here, and that we are just feeling things the way that we are programmed to sense them as (real)...I still haven't found the answer to my aching question which haunts me in my dreams.

Just two nights ago, after waking from a hellish sort of nightmare/dream, I awoke to what felt like the actual presence of my friend, (*The actual presence: when I say that I could sense the ACTUAL presence, I wasn't kidding at all, it felt as if though he was actually in my room with me, like his soul and body seemed to be there, but in a sort of spiritual presence form, which is what I felt. Its hard to explain. Part of this I belive to be is in part of the "blessing" ritual I have learned from my study of witchcraft, and it may be that my blessings may have been accepted fully from the ritual I do each night before bed....(?) this may be part of it, I don't know why, but I hopefully can get these questions of amazing proportion answered all in due time) who's who's imagery and personality (*personaility & imagery: there entire person and form as a normal person which I see each day, is what they seemed like, it was like I had the power to keep them EXACTLY the way that they deserved to be, not changed by some personaility we would want to apply, etc. They were the same as I see them, their clothes were changed, but it was them.) sifted themselves into my, let's call it a terror state and I dreamed that I saw him sometime from now (?) (*The place I saw him at seemed like it was a local Carr's <Which is a local Alaskan Grocery Store> and Walmary' but it was and has been in my dreams before, where as I've been "deeper" into the "store". Which is strange, is this a true place?) and he had a child (* he had a child, but when I looked he only had an empty stroller and a woman walked by or what looked like with him, but I don't know....) then later in that exact same time span or later, I saw him at what would be his "house". (* his house I've seen this part and him in a dream before I ever knew knew him, which I now remember, but it seemed odd.) I do not know if it was truly his house of if it was a false image, for I have never seen his home before...in the terror state, he gave me a skateboard (* it wasn't just given to me, it was sort of a gift, before this I seemed to travel on the side of an endless road with trees on the sides and forts in them, cars were scarce, but somehow my dream baclked and I remember being at his house and he's talking to me, but I couldn't understand anything he was saying. He gave me the board and after I left he was riding a spare skate in his driveway.), which I have logged myself onto the internet (a truly lovely device, but very deceptive...) and found that these images meant:
Skateboard - to see or ride a skateboard in your dream, indicates that you have the gift of making any difficult situation look easy. You carry yourself with style and great composure in the harefeat of situations. Alternatively, the dream signifies your free and fun-loving side. (which is from the site of: dreammoods.com)

The meaning of my good friend in it: to see your friends in your dream, signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to integrate these rejected part of yourself. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Additionally, this symbol foretells of happy yidungs from them and the arrival of good news. To see your childhood friend in your dream, signifies regression into your past where you had no responsibilities and things were much simpler and carefree. You may be wanting to escape the pressures and stresses of adulthood. Consider the relationship you had with this friend and the lessons that were learned. Alternatively, the childhood friend may be suggesting that you have been acting in a childish manne and you need to start acting like an adult. To dream that your best friend is dying, suggests that some aspect or quality that your best friend possess is dying with your own self. (which is courtesy of: dreammoods.com)

The majority of the terror state was intravenously powerful and when I awoke, I felt enlightened (* elightened, I felt very at peace. Like I could die that moment and feel at peace with my entire life and everyone else, it is what I believe monks call the ultimate state of tranquility or something that they try to achieve.) with myself and my friend (Jeff), (*Jeff Kohler, i'm glad that I met him, it was a weird start to meeting him, cause I emailed him and started my friendship that way, but then I started to talk with him and I've known him for almost 5 years now! He's instilled a friendship <like another friend of mine I've known for 3 years also> that I hope will never be broken, because the way I feel is as if though I am a normal part of society, and I have a person who will be there to listen to me and try to help and I'll listen to them.)
Which I have actually had happen to me once before (*this happened last year with my friend Lance Baker before he left his old place. It was a few months before, but it seemed odd to know it happened again. Each time though, certain [physical] attributes of the person stayed with me when I awoke. With each here is what was left.

Lance: the way I felt around him and the scent in the air seemed like he was actually there.

Jeff: I felt so ravished with the thought that I felt him there, I felt what I feel when I see him, his presence literally felt like it was there. It made me feel so cared for and as if though I didn't need to leave.)

I don't know what to call that period or feeling, but it is an indescribably feeling that is uncontrollably mystifying to my mind...these are some of the things that I think are keying up a possible turn of hears in my thoughts and movements in life....I just hope that I can control myself and nothing goes wrong with my mind, (hopefully it doesn't crack or something along the lines of that)...so this is good-bye for the day my good friend of papers, who conceals the. darkest secrets of a person...

<signed> Jared Michael Krapfl October 24th 2006

(*these are events, and are not to be taken as fiction. These notes are my insight on what may be going on. To repeat, these see are TRUE.)

(*FINAL NOTE: the way that this dream made me feel is that I want to share this with him, but I don't know what kind of trouble/fear (so to speak) might become instilled into him, but i'm gonna let him know. I now know that each dream I have now is going to be recorded and interpereted. Another thing that I may have to explain this that may contribute to it is, that I have stopped smoking marijuana and the begining part of this journal explains how I felt, so it may contribute to it. My study of psychology may help me get my answers to these. I will try to pry around)

So, to explain shortly on this, this was a project, but also a hopeful insight into what may have caused my nightmare.

And to also clarify, it has been roughly 2 years since I stopped smoking marijuana. :) go me!

Hope you enjoyed.

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

"Like A Fish Out Of Water"

2009-03-08T22:36:00.001-08:00

I feel so uncomfortable all of a sudden.
I have no idea as to why, but one key co factor to it is probably my depression. Its been starting to take its claws and sinking them into my back.
To explain, I've had depression for quiet some time now, the exact time frame is unknown, it may be caused by my past abuse from my father as a child, but I know my childhood was rather adventurous and full of joy, I never experienced the overwhelming feeling of lonliness and seclusion.

But of course most children don't experience that or think its just cause they are sad I guess. Who knows, most of us can't determine the answer.

But lately, I've been doing well with keeping my depression at bay and keeping it from breaching the turbulant waters it rests in. I mean I've had a crazy fucking month. Let me tell you that. February was a month filled with tragedy, pain and a lot of bullshit and drama. Its a new month, but let's just recap.

Throughout the month, I of course had a lot riding on my shoulders, I had some bad days, as you can read in a few of my past posts. But to explain events that weren't blogged about, is because I wasn't ready to let them go.

First off, my mother. She is an amazing woman, and has done a lot. But she Has her moments where she can change from being a nice woman to a complete and utter bitch. And lately, she's been doing the latter to me. She is very straightforward about it and obviously doesn't care I have feelings. I swear, to explain what its like to be at my house is too much energy. I try to keep it secret. I have been raised in a broken home, and had too much happen in my past. But lately, I feel like i'm a ghost at home. No one acknowledges I even exist!

I basically am here only to sleep, shower and eat. The rest of the time i'm either working or out with friends. I practically am only made a human when someone needs something or is there to scream at me about something that they suspected me to do. What the hell is the point of living in a home like this when your nothing but a ghost? I hate it, this house I just a burning pot of drama and lies and deceit and thriving eloquence.

On top of that, i'm having to move by the end of the month, so i'm literally at wits end and teetering on a tight rope right now. How so? Well, I only work a part time job, and have no cash saved up, I also have to worry about WHERE i'm going to stay, and how I'll make enough money to live. To explain in one line. I live paycheck to paycheck. No joke. I'm always broke.
Recently, I just paid off my bank account, and have realized what needs to be done for me to be financially stable.
The other thing is finding WHERE i'm gonna stay. I mean a large amount of my friends are very accepting, and are offering their couches for me! I of course have one option that is gonna be nice, my friend scottie and I are talking bout moving in together, since his parents want him out by his graduation in may. He also said I could stay with them as long as I need. :]
But the part that's pissing me off, is that I have all my stuff packed, early yes, but it makes it quicker to move on a dime, but it seems my stuff has a tendency to "just get up and walk out of my room into everyone else's stuff!" its like those damn laundry gnomes you know?
Lately I've been telling everyone that I want it all back, and I get bitched at being called a immature queen. Wtf?! Okay, first off, I paid for that, and I want it back so its not broken or stolen. My material needs are not that big of an issue, its my clothes that I am having issues with. I pay my price for fashion, and am guilty of buying expensive clothes. Sue me.

But to be called a queen because I want my stuff back is ridiculous. Fuck em.

And on top of that, my little brother pissed me off, and I almost knocked him out. The little kid, who let me say this first, is an immature 16 year old with a passion for pissing people off and thinking he can get away with it.
He called me a fagget. Yes. You heard me right. I don't care if your family or friend. You NEVER call me or anyone that. EVER. I was in his face yelling at him.

Back to my mom. She has medical problems. One of her discs in her spine is rotting, and its protruding into her spinal column. Pretty much she can't life anything of 50lbs. That's just a brief explenantion. But like a week ago, she texts me this "you're gonna have to figure out how to tell your brother, and not tell your little brother that I might have ovarion cancer"

A text message nonetheless, and i'm in my room. I get up and run to her room and ask. Are you fucking kidding me? I never told him. I had her do it. I couldn't. As soon as I went back to my room, I cried for hours, and fell asleep crying. I called my friend Teddy and Foster. Both listened to me sob my story choking on tears.

That's that on that issue. I'd rather not talk about it.

Now, with moving, I've got stress on my ass like no other.
And to top on top of that, I've got the issues with my broken home, and mothers medical problems. And work. Oh the dreaded work. Our head of directors recently came back, and my supervisor has been on my ass about everything. I'm the new guy to be exact.
And another thing, is that I did a HIV presentation at one of the local schools, and failed horribly. I stumbled over my words, and he knew it. After we left, the ride back to the office was quiet. He was pissed. I felt like I was stuck in a room with my father. Abusive and drunk.

I hate my job sometimes. But overall I love it. It comes with a lot of stigma, how so? Well being 19 and working as an HIV tester and doing online sexual health counseling at my age, gets me a lot of criticism. "your to young to know what its like to live with HIV" okay, yes I understand that i'm not FULLY experienced on how to explain to someone how it feels. But I have a passion to help MY community out. Why should I get hit in the face with bullshit because I want to help?

Ugh. This is my life people.

Back to my depression. (sorry for being so spacey. I'm rather pissed and uncomfortable)

I've had it for a while, and have attempted suicide 3 times in the 5 years I've lived in Alaska. Of course the winter darkness is a co factor, but the feeling of being isolated is what kills you the most. There have been events I haven't told people I've seen while living here. One that I will speak of, is the time I saw a man kill himself. I didn't see the actual event, but I was close enough and knew something was wrong with the situation when I walked by his car. Halfway down the street I heard the gunshot through my headphones. I came back an hour later and saw his body on the ground. Bloody. The sheet couldn't hide it. The stain that was left on the highway, the fucking stain I had to walk by EVERYDAY was what scared me.

I'm trailing off. The things I've experienced being here are nostalgic of course, but I feel I need to leave this state soon. Of course I don't want to leave my friends, but we all have to make amends with that someday. I'd been fully diagnosed with depression when I went to the hospital back in February of 2008.
I was living at a homeless shelter. Yes. I was homeless. Sad story.

But now I feel like lately, I feel i'm a stranger in the crowd. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and feel like a fish out of water. Its rather unfortunate and painful.

And to stack on top of that, I feel like my heart is failing me, not medically but metaphorically. I miss the feeling of being in someones arms, and waking up to someone next to me. Or watching them when they sleep. The phisiology of a sleeping man is mind boggling. It drives me to the point of wonder that makes me question all of existence.
Existentialism is something that confuses me to this day. So is the compassion that strangers can do for a person screaming for help.

I never get my depression for attention, and truly wonder why someone would want to do that. My emotions play my life, and its a bad thing.
I'm an emotional train wreck to be straight forward.
No idea why, wait....haha! Maybe its my past. Yeah. That's it.

Moving on. I just feel like i'm not ready to move on in this world, whereas my body is telling me to do so otherwise. Its a tale that will be written till I die. And your reading the chapters I choose to allow you to view I guess.

And to broach on the topic of drugs and anti depressants rather quickly, I choose not to take them, never have never will. I feel pumping yourself full of chemicals is just a way to make yourself blind to your true problems. It makes everything back burner. It makes your just another face in the crowd. Not someone who is a individual. I've seen too many people fall back three steps after taking those drugs. Period. I hate em and boycott them at all cost.

I guess, this is just some of the troubles of life. But whatever. I wish that my luck would change for the better, and that things go to better horizons, which I need. Only one person knows what I've gone through, and he knows my pain.

I'm done. Sleep well world, for one day, we shall all understand why we are plagued by these feelings. Until then, I guess I'll just take each left punch you throw and hold myself strong.

Fin.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

The Birth of: Adam Sparrow

2009-03-04T23:04:00.001-09:00

So, in recent events, I'm thinking of starting a new blog and ANOTHER Twitter account, so that I can potentially get myself out to the world to show my talents to get into the adult business.

So, shortly here soon, I shall start up the blog and twitter account, and see if my luck runs clear and may just possibly start my dream! Either way, it'll be a good start!
(Cause exhibitionism is my favorite act of narcissistic nature you know)

Peace!

Dr. Jared Michael
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Are The Scientists Going Mad?

2009-03-02T16:45:00.002-09:00

Scientists make HIV strain that can infect monkeys

By Will Dunham

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Scientists have created a strain of the human AIDS virus able to infect and multiply in monkeys in a step toward testing future vaccines in monkeys before trying them in people, according to a new study.

This strain of HIV, the human immunodeficiency virus, was developed by altering a single gene in the human version to allow it to infect a type of monkey called a pig-tailed macaque, the researchers said on Monday.

The genetically engineered virus, once injected into this monkey, proliferates almost as much as it does in people, but the animal ultimately suppresses it and the virus does not make it sick, they said.

The strain is called simian-tropic HIV-1, or stHIV-1.

Researchers hope to be able to test possible new AIDS drugs and vaccines in monkeys before trying them in people.

There is a "cousin" virus to HIV called SIV, or simian immunodeficiency virus, that causes a disease similar to AIDS in certain types of monkeys.

But this monkey AIDS virus is not identical to the one that infects people and is not a perfect substitute for testing drugs and vaccines against HIV.

"If our research is taken further, we hope that one day perhaps in the not-too-distant future, we'll be able to make vaccines that are intended for use in humans and the very same product will be able to be tested in animals before human trials," Paul Bieniasz of the Rockefeller University in New York, one of the researchers, said in a telephone interview.

Scientists have struggled to create an AIDS vaccine.

"If you make a drug that's effective against HIV, sometimes it works against SIV and sometimes it doesn't. So that basically devalues SIV as an animal model for doing experiments involved with developing drugs," Bieniasz said.

"Now if you want to develop a vaccine, essentially what you have to do is to make a parallel vaccine for HIV and for SIV. You can test the SIV vaccine in animals and then have to make the leap of faith that the same approach would work equivalently in human
s."

Writing in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, the scientists said in making the genetically engineered virus they removed the HIV version of a gene, known as vif, and inserted the SIV version. This gene acts to thwart proteins made by the monkey that that kill viruses.

Bieniasz said the scientists may need to make additional changes in the stHIV-1 to make it better for testing vaccines.

The genetically engineered virus infects the monkeys and during the early course of infection is a reasonably good mimic of what happens in HIV-infected people, Bieniasz said.

But after initially spreading in the monkey's body, the animal succeeds in suppressing the virus -- not completely clearing the virus but driving it to very low levels.

"The slight problem is the monkeys don't go on to develop AIDS, they don't get sick," Bieniasz said.

So i recently read this article, via @TKNO
that sparked my curiousity...

They originally tweeted "Scientists make HIV strain that can infect monkeys" which made my thoughts fly like wild birds... Of course this is a rather interesting thing, cause of course, i know that they are testing monkeys to find a suitable vaccine, etc, because monkeys are almost similar in gene structure, etc to us.

But what really made me wonder...WHY THE HELL ARE WE CREATING A NEW VIRUS?

Of course, i was intrigued by this new article and discovery of a synthetic made HIV strain.

So now to be a little bit more informative to those who are very un-experienced in the field of HIV work, etc. lets tear this apart a little.

There is a strand of HIV that affects three main species: Monkeys, Humans & Cats.

Monkeys: Simian immunodeficiency virus - SIV
Humans: Human immunodeficiency virus - HIV
Cats: Feline immunodeficiency virus - FIV

You can mainly find a lot of reliable HIV related information on the CDC's (Center for Disease Control) website, instead of me having to post the god damn trackback links :s

The one interesting piece i found in the article was the following:

-"But this monkey AIDS virus is not identical to the one that infects people and is not a perfect substitute for testing drugs and vaccines against HIV."

So the real question i want to know is: Why are we CREATING a new virus, instead of PREVENTING it? Why are we doing more testing, and not getting any further, when all our tax dollars for HIV plans is being spent on CREATING a new virus....

I don't even know why i wrote this, but this is just a waste of American money and healthcare insurance and my own reading time. Why does america seem to only focus on CREATING and not CURING HIV/AIDS?

This is just ridiculous.

Étouffer sur votre pitié

2009-02-20T20:40:00.001-09:00

Je pense que votre aveugles au fait, se trouve réside mensonges. thats tous ses propos droit? Dieu, la rude caractéristiques à certaines personnes n'est fucking ridicule. veuillez ne pas jouer stupide et pense que quelqu'un a pissée moi off. vous le savez la vérité, et nous savons tous deux. tout à fait tourner autour du pot et simplement accepter le fait que je suis un peu, attendez permettez-moi reformuler cela, je suis absolument furieux avec le fait au sujet de vos mensonges. bonne journée, dieu vitesse et j'espère que vous navez étouffer dur sur ces mots.
Et n'attendez pas me sentir désolée si vous pouvez lire ceci. Je pense que j'ai sérieusement juste aurait préféré vous séjour loin de moi. Effectivement, à la fois de il vous plaît. J'ai fait avec le révoltant engouement que vous deux sont en remuant dans ma face. Vivez votre révoltant relation et le conserver loin de moi. Je ne vais pas me accepter aucun de vos jouer l'idiot stratagème, tellement juste attendre s'est réuni à ne pas répondre.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

An Open Letter To Homophobic America.

2009-02-17T23:41:00.002-09:00

Okay, one question to America.

Why do you have a problem against "fags and dykes?" or to be POLITICALLY correct, Homosexuals.

First off, why is it that America seem's to have a problem with a man or a woman at that being gay or lesbian?
Seems a little unconstitutional to deny us our rights, and say we deserve to burn in hell (as the all famous West Borough Church says)

It seems a little rude to deny is OUR constitutional rights as Americans, just because of our sexuality. We are still human, not some other species or some shit. What's the deal?

The constitution grants us, the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happinness.
Seems a little irrational to say that only STRAIGHT couples can be happy, because supposedly is gay's aren't very happy people.

Wtf?!

Of course, its rather amusing also, is that we have to fr discreet at work sometimes, but for some of us, we are blessed with those unique jobs that allow us to be ourselves.

Kinda like my job. I can say things you normally would be charged with sexual harrassment for saying. We can get away with it, but of course my office is practically that everyone is gay! So its rather easy to get away with our sly and witty sexually charged jokes, etc.

But also, its rather disappointing that America is so hypocritical and has to be judgemental and say that if your gay, you CAN'T work. Well to be exact, that you can't be OPEN about your sexuality, because someone else may not feel COMFORTABLE with it.
Okay? First off, would you rather sacrifice someones comfortability or someone else's job? Let's think about that first off....seems a little rude.

Also, its rather intriguing that straight men get off to seeing two women have sexual relations on a pornographic video, but when they actually see a lesbian couple in public, they talk down on them. Double standard much?

And with people harassing gay men in public, I don't take light to that, I personally hate it when someone scream FAG out of their car window driving past me. First off, what if I was straight? How would you feel then?

America is such a corrupt and disgusting place now, the equality only seems to be given to straight couples, and taken away from gay couples.

Of course we have SOME of the same rights as straight couples, we can get married...wait..let me rephrase that...we can get a CIVIL UNION...of course, with that, we only get half the benifits that straight couples get, and its not considered and official marriage.
But in light of gay marriage, recently a lesbian couple was married in Arizona! Go us!! Unfortunately, the case is being reviewed because supposedly the clerk "didn't know they were lesbians"...ugh? What did you say?

Are you trying to play off the dumb blonde card? You have two WOMEN walk into your marriage office and pick up a marriage form....how stupid are you lady?!?

Now, back onto the topic of jobs, what's the deal? Just because we don't like to eat pussy, mean we have to loose our job, just cause we like to suck cock or get fucked...excuse my language!
But seriously, WE DO OUR FUCKING JOB....no matter what our sexuality is, we. Get the god damn job done...that's all that should matter.

Correct?

Obviously not.

America, you have failed in your original roots of saying we are EQUAL.

In my eyes, I don't think I can ever trust you again, due to your irrational motives and biased opinions.

Seems like all our attempts to fight for equality might just be a mediocre attempt in America's eyes, because its only working a little, but obviously America only cares for their guns and wars.

NOT EQUALITY.

How Selfish Am I Right?

Call Me A Hopeless Romantic Or Call Me A Sinner.

2009-02-01T17:19:00.001-09:00

So I read @acidrefluxweb's blog earlier on what valentines day means to him, etc. (http://acidrefluxweb.com)

Made me want to figure why I love/hate the holiday of love.

Well, I think its safe to say, the reason why most people hate it, is because at the time that holiday rolls its face around, the person is either single and looking, or single and no one enjoys you.

I think for this Valentine's day, I'm just gonna grab a bottle of booze and a box of chocolates and masterbate.

The reason I love to hate valentines day, is because I enjoy the fact that there is an ENTIRE day dedicated to the aspect of loving someone, but also at the same time, I hate the fact that everyone over does it. Like BIG time.

Flyers, banisters, red stuff, candy, flowers, etc.
Understandable its good for the economy, but seriously? Why would someone who is gonna be alone on that day, want to see any of that? Who knows! Maybe someday that movie My Bloody Valentine will come true, MAYBE, just maybe, I can pull it off.

Seems jaded and bitter of me to say I'd do something like that, but seriously, I'm so glad I don't celebrate holidays. The only one(s) I will celebrate are:
-My Birthday (its just natural to. I mean its another year that your still alive, and the earth is still spinning, right?)

-St. Patricks Day: who the fuck else isn't going to celebrate this holiday?? A day DEDICATED to drinking and being drunk, I may be wrong on that statement, but that is what we American's have made it out to be.

To continue back on track, I hate valentines day also, because i've only experienced a valentines day with another person, ONCE.
The more amusing part about it, is there was no romantic dinner, no movie, just chocolate, a Teddy bear, a cute card, and sex.

Of course it was all nice, but I want to experience something that makes me feel like I'm being appreciated for being with someone...alas, that's probably why I'm single. Cause everyone is just to I don't know...

I also hate the marketing. It's annoying to see and have to watch everyone else SMOTHER each other with cheesey gifts and chocolate, etc.

To really define what I would do, I would personally just make it a regular day as every day is already! If, IF I was dating someone, I wouldn't smother them with gifts. I'd rather start the day off with breakfast in bed, maybe a nice passionate shower, then work if we have to work, and go to a movie and eat some popcorn etc.
Then afterwards, we'd go home and I'd make a candle lit dinner.

No smothering involved, its all romantic and passionate, the exact opposite of what most people do.

The reason I like the holiday, is just cause you can express yourself as a person about your love for someone...(don't even get me started)...and also, you can show love, of course we show it off everyday, but to be able to know that a day Marked specifically for love, is one that makes it more special.

That I think is why people smother each other and overdue the holiday. It's sickening at times when people do things in front of me on purpose, but that's only on purpose.

Its kind of irrelevant, to write this, because it makes me seem like I'm obviously being a cynical hopeless romantic, but hey!

I can be a person and express myself and my lack there of called a love life.

I also think I'm writing this, because of having to see the sickening sight of my past chapter. I've moved on from it, and still haven't answered him back, which I don't even know if I can muster the courage or honesty without being overly hostile and bitching.

But whatever, I know that he probably reads my posts when I link them on Twitter (@Dr_Jared) or on Myspace (http://www.Myspace.com/jaredjose) but what the hell ever! I,m just done having to read on his facebook and Myspace about that shit. Please don't make it that public. I already unfollowed your ass on twitter, cause I was sick of seeing that shit.

Ugh....I'm begining to rant. I'm done....no mas! No mas senor!

I'm off, gonna find me a god damn cigarette and maybe get some mcdonalds or taco bell....I need to get home and get ready for work soon, and I want some coffee.....I still look like shit...I feel soo sore and hungover still.

An Overview Of The Past 19 Years.

2009-01-30T01:11:00.004-09:00

So, I'm feeling the need to review how far i've gotten in my life and how i've gotten to my current place and situations, good and bad.

Let's start from the WAY begining.

I was born June 15th, 1989, in a town called Hartford, WI (and for those of you who never listened in world studies or geography or whatever class it is, WI stands for Wisconsin) my mother is Shannon Conroe and my father Joseph Krapfl.
I was born a twin, fraternal, but along with that, I was brought into this world premature, there was complication at birth, my brother tried to come out ass first, and I was basically pushed to the side of the womb, that I didn't get enough air. So since my brother attempted to come out ass first, they had to push him back, and do a c-section on my mother.

He was the first one out, I was second. Both of us were out in ICU, I was the one who had it worse than he did.

I was hooked up to life support, I had a tube put into my lung by access of under my left arm pit, I have a scar from it, and I also had one down my throat. I have a photo I need to find and post along with this to prove it.

My lungs were underdeveloped, and had a lot of liquid and pus still inside, so they stuck together, and I wasn't able to breath fairly easily. Of course, the doctors were able to fix that, and they had me and my brother both in icu for some time.

I gained weight, then immediately lost a large amount, going from 3 pounds and some odd, to about I think it's 6 pounds, then dropping down to 3 or less if I'm correct.

I got better, and all complications got cleared, and I was ready to go home.

I was brought up in a litle town called LeRoy Wisconsin, which is a fairly small and quiet town that is a farming town sort of, everyone knew everyone, and had their own kids, a pub was down the street where the adults played horse shoes and drank, whereas the kids played baseball in the field behind the bar. I mainly was at my grandmothers, and was raised for a large amount of time around family, and then we moved around from Leroy to brownsville, and lomira.

Life was good I guess, I don't really remember it all so clearly, only seeing videos and photos brings back memories of it slightly.

But let's flash forward to about the year 1994, which is around the time my mother and father divorced, and my mother left Wisconsin with my sister and moved to Alaska. Me and my brothers, my twin and younger brother, who was born is 1994, stayed with our father till about 2004, 2002 for my little brother.

My childhood was raised very traditionally, good family environment, nice little town, Christian roots are dated in me, but I don't follow them.
My father was/still is an alcoholic, and was abusive. My haven point for comfort from a broken home was my grandparents house. We went there every Thursday for a large dinner where all the family got together and ate and chatted about current events, etc.

The summer's were warm and fun playing with my cousins, and playing in the corn fields. Most of the time I stayed inside and played video games or read books or played with my toys.

School was of course a ridicule, I was the kid who got picked on all the time, and got the shit end of the stick.

I used to play baseball and other games with my cousins and other relatives in the old lot behind the local bar, and played on the swing set in our backyard, and was always outside causing mischief.

I used to also play in the run down barns, and got watch the cows graze the fields and just be cows I guess.

Flash forward a couple years, I'm in my first "relationship" with a girl, her name was Nicole, she moved into Leroy with her family from out of state if I'm correct and bought the old farm down the street. Her and her family were very nice and caring, her mother enjoyed my company, especially when I always wanted to cook with her, and help her out around the house.

This is around the first time I started liking boys. Her older brother was the one who I thought was the good looking one, but I was young and told that thinking of boys that way was bad, so I just bit my tongue. They had this sweet underground wine celler out back below the barn, which we used to go play hide and go seek in, and the we'd go into the upstairs of the garage and play video games and other miscellaneous board games.

I used to love going over to their house, cause they treated me so nicely, and I also used to visit my friend Amanda's house and watch her dad refurbish furniture by hand in his garage. We used to spin in circles in their yard and fall on the ground dizzy. I used to play cards with her dad also. He taught me how to play hand and foot....complicated game for a 12 year old to learn!

Of course my summer was fun, my mother came and visited with my sister multiple times, and we all had fun.

My father, like I said before was/is and alcoholic, and he was abusive. To cut the chase about that, because I hate him, and never want to talk to him again, I'm going to highlight the number one point that scared me the most.

He called me and my brothers down to the kitchen, and he was drunk, I could smell the alcohol on his breathe. He held a knife to our chests, poking the tip of the blade into my sternum, and slurring at us.

He met a woman from Canada, and she was a nice lady, she of course drank but wasn't violent, she was the step in mom. I enjoyed her company, but also at the same time knew I would never be able to call her mom.

I learned how to use computers by the age of 12, and learned how to use chat rooms, etc. Of course a curious 12 year old looked at porn. First it was straight porn, then I started noticing the boys. There was something to them, and I would always focus on them more.

I of course had a secret stash of gay pictures and all that. Which I hid very well for being that young.
My summer consisted of making mixed tapes of songs from the radio, and hanging out with family.

I made a friend who lived out of Leroy, in a town about 15. Miles away. Me and my brother used to take our bikes and ride all the way there to go visit and play with him.

During the winters, we'd make hot chocolate and go sledding for hours on end until it got too dark and cold.

I also started taking a hunting and gun course. The first gun I ever fired was a shotgun. Hurt my god damn shoulder, I ate venison (deer meat) for the first time and didn't like it that much.

Flash forward a couple more years. I am living with my father still, in a town called juneau...no not Alaska...and we lived in a small complex building. We stayed there when our father was there, and when he wasn't we stayed at our grandparents house.

My father was a truck driver, and took his Canadian wife so to speak on the road with him all the time. We had Christmas, etc. And the disturbing part is they had the loudest sex ever. It was disturbing.

Me and my brother Dakotah had a bunk bed, and stayed in the same room and we're close.

Then, one day, he decided to leave us at our grandparents and just leave with out a word. Everyone was worried about where we would go, so we got split up.

My little brother went with my aunt and uncle Jody and Robert, and me and my brother went with Jill and Darris. The fun part was that they had their own kids. So we had some company. The bad part? They pulled a double standard on us basically.

Trevor had a good time with Jody and them, then he had an accident where he slipped on alcohol at a baseball banquet, and slid into the corner of a table and split his head open at the fore head. Blood was everywhere....I mean everywhere. He was rushed to the hospital, and made it out alright, with a lot of stitches and scars.

My time living with my aunt and uncle was good for a time, until she started to take her frustrations out on me and my brother. She'd take our things, and make us do all the work and not have fun. It sucked.

Forward a bit of time. Me and my brother are helping her make the back sides of buttons, so they can get proccessed. It was a good deal! It was like 50 bucks for a tote of them things!

Then during my summer I had my accident. I was going to the local pool, and tried to cross traffic when it was busy, and had the right away, and a car came out of nowhere

I swirved to avoid being hit and my bike caught the sidewalk and pulled me along the curb and flung me off and my knee hit the stop light post. I say there clutching my knee in pain with tears running down my face and prole just kept driving by. My brother did nothing but yelled at me. The only people who stopped to help was a couple who was going to get milk for their baby from the bar, and they called my aunt and uncle, who came shortly, the couple stayed with me and helped me into the truck.

I lay on the couch in pain. We went to the ER, where I saw far worse injuries.

They took x rays and told me I had fractured the back of my knee. Have me vicodin and gave me crutches and sent me home and told me to get a brace.

I went to a physical therapist, and he told me that if I had hit the pole with a few more pounds of pressure, I would have shattered my knee cap.

I was on crutches for 6 weeks. My first year of high school and I was on crutches. Oh the joy! The year went by, I made friends and enemies, and also had another incident, where this kid put me on the door hinge while I was on crutches. I pulled myself off the door and fell to the floor hitting my bad leg first. Pain.
The kid only got a suspension and helped me afterwards with anything I needed.

Then, I had summer school. I took one of the most interesting classes, i've ever taken. Art for Self Expression.
The first week was weird...it wasn't art at all. We learned self defense and dance. The second week was actually painting.

My summer was okay, working with my aunt and getting more aggravated at her. She knew it and we made a decision to move to Alaska.

We worked doing the buttons thing, and saved enough money for our plane tickets.

I left during the summer of June 2004, and came to Alaska with my brother.

This started my life in Alaska.

Getting off the plane was interesting. Because I hadn't seen my mom for over 2 years. We saw her and drove to her house in Indian, which is 20 miles south of Anchorage.
And stayed there for about 2.5 years.

To explain my summer from 2004 to 2006, I was shy, and the town we lived in consisted of only 50 people.

I lived in the middle of the woods basically with bears and moose. The beauty is what makes me stay.
My time was spent taking photos, and meeting the locals and going to anchorage. I didn't know anyone at all. I met the local kids, only about 3 to be exact.

Her name was Kathleen, aka kitty. She is a huge drug abuser for being only 16.
Her father was creepy.

But I liked her house. The garden reminded me of alice in wonderland.

Forward sometime, I did my experimentation of drugs, and attended school.

I went to South Anchorage High School...worst school ever. Nothing but stuck up rich kids. The only cool people were the kids from girdwood and the only security guard I liked was Jeff Kohler.

To explain my 3 year attending South High, it sucked. The only classes I enjoyed were my psychology, culinary arts and creative writing class. I was a part of the gsa, and wandered the school aimlessly, I was one of the outcast kids.
I did my time, and hung out with my friends and had little problems, except for a few incidents of using the computer for inappropriate material, which I was fully finding myself out.

My one safe point was Jeff, he was the one I could tell anything to. I also had another incident with my creative writing teacher, in which one of my poems she considered me to be suicidal and referred me to the school counselor. As soon as I left his office, I laughed so hard he could hear me.

Graduation. That night, my aunt gave me a big nug of pot, and me and my best friend Clifton Blue and his girlfriend smoked and went to dinner at LoneStar steak house. At dinner I started crying. Why? Because I had no idea what I was going to be doing with my life now that school was over.

I worked a large amount of my summer at the Alyeska Prince Hotel at The Pond Cafe as a buser, and lived in a tent on the river bed with my sister during the summer in girdwood. We went to Forest Fair, which if you have no idea what it is, let's just say its the biggest pot smoking event in Alaska, next to bluegrass.

I moved back to Indian with my mother after some complications, and started working at the local gas station with her and one of the local kids.

I worked there from after high school till about September of 2006, when I moved to anchorage with Jeff.

My mom moved to wasilla with my brothers and her boyfriend. I worked at toys r us, and subway for a few months and had to leave anchorage due to financial problems.

I tried to find a job out in wasilla, but was unfortunate.
We all moved into anchorage with my sister, and before I moved in with Jeff, I originally was staying with my sister and her boyfriend Vincent.
I had no job and wasted my time away. So I fucked up on staying there.

When we all moved back into anchorage, I wasn't able to stay there due to my past mistakes, and also due to space.
I stayed with my grand mothers care taker for a while, which in 2006 my grandmother passed away, and was with her for about a week when my mom called and told me to figure out where I was going to stay.

I decided to go to the Covenant House, which is a homeless shelter for youth. I started my stay there in January 2007.

Now, to go back a bit, when I was living in wasilla, was when I came out to my mother. The most nerve wrecking thing to do ever. I was so scared, but the most amusing this is, she asked "is it worse than getting a girl preganent?" my words were. I don't know if this IS worse than that!

I told her and she said, "what's the problem? Your still my son, and I'll love you no matter what."

She met my first boyfriend Eric, and she told me sooner than later, that she knew I was gay. I first came out as being bi, but whatever, it helped me get my foot out of the closet.

I posted a blog on Myspace explaining everything. I of course got good and bad reactions

My twin was the first to find it out, cause he was downstairs at the library and read it and came up shocked and stared at me clueless and asked me if I was kidding.

Now, back to anchorage and the covenant house. My first night was tragedy, I felt like I had given up on myself.

Of course, I got through it and pushed through. I looked actively for a job, and found one as an over night janitor for the Dimond Center Mall...worst job ever!

I then got enrolled in the Covenant House's TLP (transitional living program) Rights Of Passage, where you can stay for up to a year.

My stay there was rocky. But fun, I met lots of people, quite my job at dimond, and was jobless for a while, then got hired at Carl's Jr. Hated that job as well! Worked there for about 2 weeks and just left.

Had my friend go in and return my uniform and grab my paycheck. We had a good time hanging out before he left back to California.

I then was jobless again, but made it look like I was working still. Played it off pretty damn well!

Then I was with my friend Tim, who I met earlier during the summer from my friend Nick. Funny part is, when I saw them, I was like...damn! Those guys are cute as hell!!!

Partied the first night I met them.

Then me and tim were hanging out at ROP, and we went to the transit center, where I first and finally went into the teen clinic, my friend Ursula was working there, and Rachel and Ursula told me about an opening. I applied right quick!

Waited for the call, went p my interview in a business suite and a mohawk.

Got the job.

Forward some time...I had a rocky start to working at the clinic, but fixed it all.

Then during the summer was my first pride fest. Absolutely loved it! Of course I did things I shouldn't have. I cheated on my boyfriend.

I also met the boys for Adam and Steve, and one of the directors for Four A's.

Forward some time, Alex the director from Four A's was at Project Homeless Connect, while I was, and let me say this. He is a very good looking man, and i've got a crush on him. Lmfao!

Well, he came up to me and started talking to me and heather, my boss.

And we started talking, he then started talking about an open position for Adam and Steve and gave me his business card.

I called about the job a few days later, and printed off the application and filled it out and made an interview.

The only experience I had was doing presentations, street outreach and clinical duties.

So I had atleast SOME experience!

The interview was a breeze, because we did a job training group for the clinic, and it had basic interview questions.

I had An answer prepared for every question they asked.

About a week later, I get an email from Alex saying call him ASAP. I was kinda worried yet excited!

It was a game of phone tag for a while, but I finally got him on the line and he told me the good news. I got the job!

Forward some time.

I'm working with Ted and Donald for Adam and Steve.
But alongside with working with Four A's, I started slacking at the clinic and did poor work, etc and did some bad things.

I resigned from the clinic and started focusing more on Four A's.

Which is where I am now.

Of course I skipped a few stories, but they are meaningless and have no use in here.

So now, at the current date, i've gone through a lot of troubles also

I've made great friends, and more! But also, I met some people who I would have rather not wanted to try to get to close to.

To skip past my partying and other shit, I fell head over heels for a boy.

This boy played a game with me for over 3 months, and I ended it just last week.
He knew I liked him, but he didn't make any insinuation to tell me that he didn't like me, or want me to stop, so I continued to purse after him.

I practically chased him at all times, and enjoyed him. He was my perfect drug.

But everyone told me to not. I should have listened.

To speed forward some, I recently gave him a letter stating how I felt fully, and dropped all communication with him, and have felt better than ever!

I realized chasing after him was hurting me, and a lot!

But recently, i've been doing good. My best friend/brother Teddy, can tell by the way my personality is coming back with new motife and sarcasm, and everthing.

I am also noticing that I'm changing, which is good! I feel like a change is what I need.

Move away from the past and move forward to my future!

Well, that's the story! I guess, if you have questions, ask!

There is no way I was gonna go into full detail, cause there are somethings that need to stay out of this, and for good reasons.

Hope you have all enjoyed reading my life!

Caio.

Dr. Jared

Gay.com Style

2009-01-12T15:36:00.005-09:00

So Holy shit...I made an article in Gay.com Style

Check it out!!

Gay.com Signature Style: Jared_AK

Il sognatore

2009-01-12T00:48:00.002-09:00

There is a man in my nightmares.

He has dark in layed eyes, supple yet quivering lips, shifting eyes watching my every move.

He is the guardian in my nightmares, a mere representation of a man I've never met.

He keeps me safe and shows me the light in this perpetual darkness and realm of terror.

He is the dreamer in my nightmares, the answer to why I wake up, the question to why it ends to soon.

What is his name and why is he here? This man, this guardian, this dreamer, who lives in my head....

He knows I want him, oh so badly...but he is only a figment of imaginative exploitations, lust, jealousy, rage, sexual arousal.

But he is forbidden grounds, for he is only there to guide me....

The dreamer lives in is all.

The dreamer is the dream.

The title is Italian for: The Dreamer,

this poem is dedicated to my friend Shane who lives miles away from me...To you The Dreamer, a work of art worthy for the books....

I await to see you in my dreams soon again my friend.

Getting Tested

2009-01-09T13:00:00.000-09:00

I recently watched this video from Manhunt Cares, which is one of the outlets we use for our online outreach at my office, and they are amazing people with truly benificial information for others to get on HIV & STI's.

It made me almost feel like walking to the front desk and telling Alex i wanted to get a test done now...but either way, i need to really get a test done soon, its been a while since i got my last one done...

Here's one of the videos i enjoyed from their website, its called "The Test".

God...I just wish that some people would just realize that HIV is a real thing, and its not just something that can go away...you get it, and you've got it for life.
There is no cure, no nothing, only ways to stop the virus from infecting others, and to post-pone the mortality rate of an infected individuals life.

Some people need to be informed...I'm glad i do the work i do, because without people like me, there would be no useful information on HIV/AIDS or STI's, or anyone online in the gay chat rooms, etc. spreading the word about sexual health and all that jazz.

God, i'm just glad this week is over, its been fairly rough...so much emotions spilt and shit..Fuck!

TGIF!

A Sad Song

2009-01-07T13:57:00.003-09:00

Song Of Sorrow

Your sitting there on the rocks,
beautifuly letting your hair fly with the wind.
The sad look on your face,
the times we spent together.
memories come,
memories go.
Love hurts
and it shows.
You sit on the rocks,
crying your song of sorrow.
Flood the world with your tears if you care,
just remember you'll always be there,
in my heart.
So sing, sing your song of sorrow.
cry by yourself or
cry by my side.
open the door
and walk in, and hope my complexion
doesn't blow my cover.
Let's leave this human race!
and sing
our song
of sorrow.

Lost & Found Poems

2009-01-07T13:57:00.001-09:00

Lost & Found

Autumn Leaves This Time

The leaves come falling

In many different colours.

Red, orange, and yellow.

They fall to the ground

While crunching under my feet

With a soothing noise.

Sleeping While Your Awake

You’re staring at the front door.

While your eyes are wide open.

Your face will start to get sore.

As the pain starts to sharpen.

Your sleeping while your awake.

The world is all asleep

While the war creates the break.

All you see is the sheep.

Sleeping underground in the tunnels.

You feel the coldness coming.

You feel like your falling through a funnel.

While the sickness is coming.

How long will you sleep forever?

In this stage of eternal never?

Informal demons

They lurk inside of us all

These informal demons

They fancy the way we move,

Eat, sleep, make love.

They study our movements

Always watching ever so closely.

They make me their home,

They think I’m alone.

They just don’t know

That they can’t do this.

Slipping, I feel them pulsing.

Pulsing as you fall.

Spinning, the worlds spinning faster.

Faster and faster.

STOP!

Warmness

I can feel them

They are always near me

They keep me company

They are my friends.

I can feel the warmth

Their souls give off.

Melting this frigid

World I’m in.

Unlocked from my eternal prison.

Shadows On The Wall

Can you feel them?

Can you see them?

Can you hear them?

Can you?

I can feel them.

I can see them.

Can you?

They flicker across the wall

And are hidden behind objects of insight.

As The City Sleeps

We stand here and watch

As the city burns.

Everyone sleeps throughout

The ravishing flames

But we watch as our

City burns.

Ashes flitter by our faces.

As she starts to cry

Our fine city

Sleeps.

Beat Me Till I Beg For Mercy

I’ve been trapped here for months, years.

Sitting here pondering the reason you betrayed my heart,

And put me in this cold dark cell.

With the only light that of the lantern hanging on the wall.

I try to move around, but am always stopped.

My legs are shackled to the wall.

Why would you betray me?

We both said we loved each other!

But you came down each time and beat me till you hear me beg for mercy.

How long will I be trapped in this pit?

Will I ever die? Or is this hell, and I’m already dead?

Reflection In The Mirror

I stare in the eyes in the mirror, coldness, sorrow.

I can see them emmiting from them.

My face feels cold and the tears run down my face,

Dabbaling at the corners of my chin.

Rain Days

The days slowly drain away, one by one.

The sounds turn from loud to the soft trickle of rain coming.

It feels cool to the touch.

Satisfying my dying thirst.

It runs down my arm to my fingertips and slowly falls from them.

The first drop comes down so fast, you can’t notice it.

The cooling breeze of wind against my face from the east rolls over the mountains and leaves its trail.

Then the rain comes down, cooling and comforting sound of the pitter-patter of the free falling droplets of water is as great as sleeping on a cloud.

The mightly ominous booming of thunder comes and goes, adding to the effect of this peacefully dreamful illusion.

I sit down on the smooth surface of the rock next to me and watch those falling droplets slowly make their descent into the distance of the falling sun.

The clouds shift as beams of glamorous light flood the remaining puddles of water.

While the glimmering effect of the streams of light create, the pure and amazing sight of the crystalline water.

Go ahead, walk off

Walk off, go ahead! Its none of my concern! You treat me like S#@%, like I need not exist, when its their faults and I at least do a bit.

Walk off, leave!

It doesn’t matter to me. You walk off to escape from the anger and tension in the house.

Fine, leave, go!

I can never leave, but you can always leave.

Go leave!

Go ahead, walk off!

We are all wasting our time on petty things.

So just go ahead, walk off!

My hand around your heart

I’ve got you in my clench now,

Holding my hand around your heart.

You’ll love me forever.

Never.

I’ve got you where I want you,

But you seem to slip out of my reach.

I can feel my hand loose grip.

She ran away.

I can see terror in your face now,

Which used to be replaced by happiness.

Was it something I said?

Was it something I did?

Why are you runnin gaway?

I walk back inside and sit down,

I can still see the first day we met.

Your eyes gleamed with happiness as we locked eyes.

I am I

I am my own comclusion

I am my own lover

I am my own self confession

I am my apathy.

I am I.

I am the strong

I am the proud

I am the self-righteous

I am the narcissist

I am the shattered ego.

I am I.

Old School Poems

2009-01-07T13:56:00.002-09:00

Dancing Through Sunday

At such as young age,
I was never taught to dance.
Never taught to move my feet.
Dancing wasn’t all the huge thing that it seemed to be cut out to be.
As we move on to the next higher age,
Middle School,
Our gym class had been turned into a dance class!
The jitterbug, the boxtrot, the waltz, just some of the few that we had learned.
Classical dancing was never really my “style”.
To much to learn.
Nowadays, still no dancing,
But disco will roll on through Sunday.
Flash over to the image of a child in his room,
Headphone’s blaring,
Feet pounding to the beat.
Can’t you feel that baseline?
Ratalling like a snake,
Ready to bit and feast.
Images of old clash with new,
People only danced the way they did because they felt free!
Nowadays, it’s this teeny-bop contest,
Bodies grinding in the club.
People colliding in the Mosh Pit.
Bloody cits, broken bonez, fractured jaws, black bruises.
10,000 people clashing, pushing, shoving,
Welcome to the Mosh Pit.
Run the gauntlet,
Hope you make it through.
The baseline sends its poison,
Rushing through everyone,
Creating violence.
Which runs it’s course throughout the veins of the monstrous mob.
People clashing like stars crashing
In the skies, producing meteor showers.
Do you see now?
Can you see it clearly?
People will go on continually,
Dancing through Sunday.

Revolution Not Evolution

continue life as it goes.
ife has been set on pause,
everyone is slow, not available at the moment,
"if you would like to leave a message for your party, please stay on the line..."
where is that voice from?
the one that speaks in foreign tongues?
cross the T's dot the i's (eyes).
follow the large white lines,
jump from each one to the other.
an/ ocean of time seperates you from now.
meteor showers. electrical storms, acid rain
is this the coming of an end of days?
or is it the mothers of the children
sent to war?
their children being slaughtered by a foreign man?
"and so help me god!"
where is that voice?
the preacher man spoke of proverbs and psamls,
we only burned the holes in our palms...
Greater than god himself.
the devil flys on wings of lead,
so hoe does god know we have done such vile things?
"that snitch! I'll kill the little bastard!"
his best friend,
wait that's what he called him,
come to find out he's been planning your entire downfall for ages.
flames surround us in the end,
others lifeless bodies lay crumpled on the ground.
"what did we do to deserve this?"
that voice seems to come back
i can recall it faintly,
from a dream way back.
i saw a woman and her child lie on the ground.
our downfall is our own self-destruction.
the only evolution is revolution.

TV Headlines Lie!

Their screams turned to whispers as I opened the door.

The man that said he loved them, now a murderer.

Clutching the corpse of his long loved children,

Blood dawns the walls, bed covers and himself.

His soft whimpering seems to amplify to an earth shattering cry.

He never knew life could be so fragile in all its existence.

“god shall strike down upon his soul with great vengence upon all who oppose him and he shall perish in the flames of eternal torture and deception.”

Headline’s stream across the airwaves screaming

“Murderer!”

Churches fear the worst and make service in each day.

Mothers clutch your young in fear that he may strike again.

“Murderer!”

The headlines scream conspiracy and everyone fears the worst, “the wrath of god will be struck down upon this poor soul and he shall burn in the flames of Hell!” screams the reverend as he sits in his chair.

Secrets never lie, the priest was the original contribution to this horrid crime.

In the back room of the church, the whimpering of a boy can be heard.

The man’s voice cuts the air,

“shut up you little shit! And remember god wants you to do this…”

“Murderer!”

The man you though was your savior, your messiah, is only a pedophile. Slain in front of your I’s you witness the brutal destruction of your futile existence.

2 Poems

2009-01-07T13:56:00.001-09:00

Abysmal Black Nights

It’s like a freight train, coming down the tracks at 326 mph, and your trapped right in the middle of the tracks.

You can’t move, you’re feet seem to be GLUED to the ground.

It’s getting closer; you can feel the ground rumbling from the enormous amount of speed and weight.

Redrum, Redrum, Redrum!

“Sorry Miss’s Torrance, Timmy can’t come out to play today.”

The skies turn to a haze of purple and violet crimsoned Hughes.

The train is getting there, you can see the headlights right around the bend.

It clutches you like the cold slimy hand of the undead begging at your feet for a treat.

-----

That train is gone, your nowhere near tracks now.

But where are you?

You look around. The world seems to be a calming and relaxing shade of baby blue skies.

Then out of the silence of hearing birds chirping and children laughing,

The skies of your pure and fantasy world collide with the realms of hate, fear and lust.

-----

Insanity at its finest.

You clutch your head in pain and anguish,

It feels like something on the inside is trying to get out!

Screams of terror and pain echo throughout this 4d world.

The world begins to spin and swell around your sight.

Yellow, Red, Orange.

You feel immense amounts of heat burning at your face.

-----

The screams turn to an instant silence,

Black abysmal nights, violet hues around the edges of objects.

Alien figures crawl across this darkest night sky,

They look towards the sky, as if though looking for something not graspable.

-----

The world turns and slowly spins into a slow spin of turning revolutions.

Pain, agony, and suffering all seem to disappear from your mind and sight.

-----

The sky is back to that peaceful baby blue ocean color, almost resembling Destruction Bay.

You find yourself awaking from an awkward dream,

You faintly remember what happened or how you got here.

You get up and walk into the now setting horizon.

-----

Red Rose of Sharyn

Red is the color of the roses that they set on your coffin.
For the world cried on the day that you were pulled into this tragedy.
Everyone at your funeral wore black,
I wore red.
Red.
The color of blood & fire; life & vitality
To worship you in this tragic aftermath of love once lost.
The color meant all that was you in life,
Now it’s as if though you still are here,
Just as the old proverbs speak: Even through death, mortal love still prevails.
The women had their veils pulled over and the men wore suits of black-death.

The silent sobs of the fellow friends and family could be heard,
But none was greater than that of mine.
The clergy man said his prayers, just as the others did.
My time to speak,
To speak of the love, the passionate fire that was you.
Candle’s glowed around dark area,
The color of the soft flames flickered on the marbled wood.
My life seemed to end in that moment,
My fire of life & love had been extinguished.

I clutched my hands in each palm,
My blood began to boil.
The price of life is not as beautiful as her face was.
The red blush she brushed on before we left each night,
Made me cry inside.
The heart I once had, now is black and cold.
The love I once had, full of fire and life,
Now extinguished.

Red.
The color that is you.
Red.
The passion of your existence.
Red.
It’s not the price of your life.
Red.

The color of our love, now lost in the sea’s of fire.

My First Friday Event

2009-01-07T13:53:00.000-09:00

New New New! Latest Installments

so yeah, heres the material i performed at my first friday exhibition, sometime soon ill get the photos up, but along side with these, im including some of the pieces i was expecting to put in, but due to controversial issues, language, suggestive topics, they had to be scrapped...so here for your enjoying please...

SPOKEN:

REVOLUTION NOT EVOLUTION
continue life as it goes.
ife has been set on pause,
everyone is slow, not available at the moment,
"if you would like to leave a message for your party, please stay on the line..."
where is that voice from?
the one that speaks in foreign tongues?
cross the T’s dot the i’s (eyes).
follow the large white lines,
jump from each one to the other.
an/ ocean of time seperates you from now.
meteor showers. electrical storms, acid rain
is this the coming of an end of days?
or is it the mothers of the children
sent to war?
their children being slaughtered by a foreign man?
"and so help me god!"
where is that voice?
the preacher man spoke of proverbs and psamls,
we only burned the holes in our palms...
Greater than god himself.
the devil flys on wings of lead,
so hoe does god know we have done such vile things?
"that snitch! I’ll kill the little bastard!"
his best friend,
wait that’s what he called him,
come to find out he’s been planning your entire downfall for ages.
flames surround us in the end,
others lifeless bodies lay crumpled on the ground.
"what did we do to deserve this?"
that voice seems to come back
i can recall it faintly,
from a dream way back.
i saw a woman and her child lie on the ground.
our downfall is our own self-destruction.
the only evolution is revolution.

AND THATS A FACT:
Now I lay me down to sleep,If I die before I wake,
Then my night time dreams cause the Earth To Quake,

for sake of good for goodness sake,
these bitch ass kids talk nothing but hate,
intake out take
words fuel fire for combustion thrustin gas chamber bustin,
Wise words to the chosen,
friendly foes fight for faculty facts frozen,
mysteriously unknown lies we know were knowin,
Our eye’s are glowin,
My chest expands,
Instead of killing one another we just shake hands,
We must make demands,
Some new rules to follow,
I’m at the Oracle of Apollo,
Asking questions,
making confessions,
Sins past down from days of old,
If we leave out facts then the stories untold,
The world brings out glories when the truth unfolds,
The world grows cold as the plagues unleashed,
The survival guide to terrorism this they’ve never reached
Some bullshit lies is the reason why we fought,
Killers kill kill until they finally caught,
this world’s hatred in school they never taught,
How to deal with emotions when your coastin down hill,
And you lost in depression,
The doctors confused everybody’s second guessin,
What went wrong with that kid that night,
what was he thinking when he took his life,
Theres a way out to make it all right,
This way I know that only few found,
But You gotta ask yourself,
You willing do be down?
Down with the fam and not just yourself,
Cuz then you down wit some people always there to help,
All races colors sizes and religions,
This life is for real Believe me I aint kiddin,
Were not about the life style pop culture fag phase,
Just some people on a search for better days,
Anway’s, are blood types J positive,
Positively positive we never give in,
Were growing in numbers,
we watch the word gaze in aw,
Were all for one and one for all,
But if your not down with everyone,
Your not down at all,
Sometimes you confused you just don’t know,
But if you roll with us,
You’ll be certain you’re a Juggalo,
And if your a female and sad a lo will be your hug-a-lo
And If your a male we give you a dap dog,
cause we family,
And that’s a fact dog.

SCRAPPED MATERIAL:

untitled firefight:

i watched the bullets fly in one direction.
she tossed herself into her first firefight.
will you listen to me as a pistol is put to my temple?
and hear the secondhand serenade of smoke rolls from out my mouth?
and star crossed lovers we shall be.
a classic romeo and juliet story of modern day romantics to weep to.
we shall go out in a firefight of bullets and blood.
"i say the future’s been drawn, so there’s no point in living" i whispered into your ears.
"dont ask my permission" she said crying to me.
when the stars cross the skies,
we shall know each other as we die.
she lent me her hand in an effort to give me her affection,
but i was only lost in with my own directions.
we shall go on down the road to strawberry fields,
forever we shall be together.
the red,
then to the bed.
we multiplied ourselves into 0’s and 1’s,
then divided ourselves into each other
as the skin of the drum was beaten upon,
we we’re looked down by the dead gods.
they mock us, saying we aren’t meant to be.
but what we could see was what was not to be seen.
i told her i wasn’t trying to be mean,
she told me i looked a little green.
face meets concrete in a heartbeat,
no time to run to my seat.
i stare at her face from the ground and see the twisting faces beging to grab her.
she screams.
the skin of the drum is pulled ever closer to ripping.
i can feel myself begining to slip.
"we shall both meet again in hell" she spoke in my ear as i watched her walk away.
never again will i be treated like your doormat,
be pushed to my edge till i’m like a gat.
i can feel the wind picking up as i walk through the fields of burning oil.
sent to the war to pick up the duties of the fallen.
so many people are dying at this moment,
and we never take the dying sense to have remorse.
except the weeping mothers, the dying fathers, the wounded hearts we keep on our sleeves.
cause no one ever does.
no one ever does.
the preacher man speaks in tongues to my ears,
as i grip my fist harder and harder.
my knuckles turn white from the blasphemies.
i can’t read between the line any longer,
the words begin to blur as i read the paper headlines.
A TRAGIC ROMEO AND JULIET STORY TURNS DEMENTED.
our story of undying love and fear,
and murder and injustices has finally been known to the world.
i can hear the skin of the drum being banged on faster and louder.
the life of our sons and daughters interupted by the fear that lies beneath the water.
do we sink or do we swim?
do we look or do we turn?
do we live or let die?
can i just give it all up and find a medium for my tranquility?
again, our star-crossed romance seems to be a tragic love story.
nothing like the original material quoted in books bound by blood.
..children slaved over the materials we work for each day.
the skin of the animals bound as our covers
again the beating of the drum continues on evermore.
"MAE i inquire the reason for this meeting sir?"
the man stands before you, dressed in a suit.
his pants iron neatly, the creases to a perfect point.
does he realize he’s to perfect for this world?
can we just end everything and give it up to the greater good to decide our fates?
entwined in the fate of our love,
we scurry across the fields of oil,
the fires never die here.
the fires never die.
the fire.
red hot, pulsing with vengance for blood.
the fires which request more children to feed upon.
the fires which request more woman to feed upon.
the fires which request for the world.
the skies only want to give us air,
but we deny that rite and pollute and contaminate it.
but its always been know that everything goes without saying.
in words we speak,
in tongues we write.
everything goes knee-jerk ass backwards.
right is wrong,
wrong is right.
murder is justice,
justice is murder.
we feed upon the lives of the fallen,
and give nothing in exchange for the gifts.
greed and lust is all we know.
fire.
water.
earth.
air.
red.
blue.
green.
yellow.
we cast our spells during full moons,
hoping to lure each other into our arms,
but we kept our charms in boxes marked with symbols of protection.
hoping no one found out our secrets.
i said that i cared.
but i knew it was nothing.
she said she knew of my secrets,
saying she was going to reveal me to the world for who i really am.
for i am sam.
i am labeled by your mothers clutching their children as the bad man.
i am sam.
i watched her slowly on the webcam every night,
she would let me get something to see in sight.
i know its not the most pleasurable thing, but everything seemed right.
i am michael.
i read the book of the dead to your children at night in their dreams.
i am the one who corrupts your politics,
creates and crafts all your injustices for your minds to feed upon.
i am michael.
the story goes on forever everyone.
will you be there in time to listen to it?
do you believe that we are all destined for something greater?
or will you join me as i walk along the burning fields of oil?
yes my friends,
do you remember the story of the burning oil?
almost everything set ablaze by our own mankind.
we burned and raped the land of its beauty for crude materials.
we lie ourselves to sleep in our shallow graves next to the ocean.
can you not hear it brothers and sisters!
the oceans call for us!
the crashing of waves against rugged rocks of marble and granite.
can you not feel the trembling force of the horns as they speak our names?
they tumble over our lifeless bodies as we soak in the sun.
we lie dead on the beaches of mother earth,
i am the mother.
i am the one who takes care of you,
i am the one who gets raped by you.
you are my children,
but your killing me off slowly each day.
come my children, listen to the story that will roll from my lips as i quote past scriptures of latin.
are you listening to me now?
the story of the sow,
the one who grazed to far from the fields.
she lost her life if you recall,
just exactly like the story of the curious oysters.
no my children, it is not a bedtime story for us to cringe in fear at.
these are no man’s myths my brothers and sisters.
we are at war.
i am the lost soul of retribution.
will you listen to me as i cry my heart out?
will you hear my song of the banshee?
i will shatter the world around us and show you the truth,
the truth that you overlooked.
i am the mirror of the world,
i reflected the truth from you all.
so please listen my brothers and sisters,
come my children one and all,
come my fathers and mothers.
listen to our stories.
don’t judge us due to our calls of nature to speak in words
or to write in tongues.
we deserve one more chance to be worthy,
we deserve to be accepted for who we are!
do you still not listen to our stories?
i have given you my story,
the story to the lovers,
the story to the rejects,
the story to the lost ones,
the story to the sobbing mothers,
the story to the angst teens,
the story to the reluctant fathers.
this is the story to the messenger,
who shall deliver the message to you all,
in due time my friends,
we shall view the opposite in real time.
we shall swim with the giants in the ocean
as the others sink,
you have the choice,
do you choose to sink or swim?
do we see the truth or look away?
the story is the same each time,
but its always changing.
"thats an oxymoron" says the wise-man.
"no its not kind sir. it is the truth, take a look at your own life, and come back to me with an answer." says the child who was born from the sea.
birthed in the ocean depths,
we watched as she emerged from the jagged rocks near the mouth of the bay.
a burst of light and the earth shook.
for hours it seemed, then the skies turned to grey
as we saw a figure walk along the water towards us.
from the bay to the beach.
we are met by her.
she has come.
she is everything.
she is the hitchhiker of souls,
she is the stewardist who conducts us to the exit row of the plane.
"CAPTAIN WE ARE GOING DOWN!" she screams.
"by all mean’s captain, by all means"
the voice has come,
the one who speaks to you in war and commands you to fight for something never won.

TV HEADLINES LIE!
this piece right here, is a bit where the controversy plays in, but here goes...

Their screams turned to whispers as I opened the door.

The man that said he loved them, now a murderer.

Clutching the corpse of his long loved children,

Blood dawns the walls, bed covers and himself.

His soft whimpering seems to amplify to an earth shattering cry.

He never knew life could be so fragile in all its existence.

"god shall strike down upon his soul with great vengence upon all who oppose him and he shall perish in the flames of eternal torture and deception."

Headline’s stream across the airwaves screaming

"Murderer!"

Churches fear the worst and make service in each day.

Mothers clutch your young in fear that he may strike again.

"Murderer!"

The headlines scream conspiracy and everyone fears the worst, "the wrath of god will be struck down upon this poor soul and he shall burn in the flames of Hell!" screams the reverend as he sits in his chair.

Secrets never lie, the priest was the original contribution to this horrid crime.

In the back room of the church, the whimpering of a boy can be heard.

The man’s voice cuts the air,

"shut up you little shit! And remember god wants you to do this…"

"Murderer!"

The man you though was your savior, your messiah, is only a pedophile. Slain in front of your I’s you witness the brutal destruction of your futile existence.

GOD IS A WOMAN:
tonight my friends, we dance with the devil in the fields of burning oil.
tonight my friends, tonight.
will you listen to my heart as it beats into breakdowns?
do you understand my philisophical tongues of ancient prophecies?
do you understand that we are living out age old testaments that heretics wrote?
do you even consider believing?
do you ever stop to think about your life?
have you ever been to the land of oz?
are you even listening?
"mister? hey mister! are you alright?"
run along little boy,
mommy isn’t doing well today,
she has called in sick.
she still nursed you back to health,
she still cares for you.
but you struck her and told her she was a lair.
she waited,
and still waits for you.
can you not see her with open arms as we prayed to her each day?
our god is NOT a MALE god.
for HE is She.
she is all that will and shall be.
the youth of civilization understand that she is come.
my hearing seems to be impaired.
have i been listening to lies all my life?
have i been force-feed tons of bull**** from others?
yes, i have been told who i NEED to be, and not who I WANT to be.
the government pays for it you know,
they kept her hidin away for years,
they made sure her existence fell onto deaf ears.
"no use in keeping it secret any longer sir."
"release the hounds then"
the ghosts of hounds bound off into the night,
ravaging innocent bystanders will malicious thoughts of life.
who are you?
why are you here?
have you ever evaluated your life my audience?

will you please give me an example sir?

"no?"

well i will read something to you then.
the story of a young man,
this story is all the bit truth, no tell-tale lies.
this boy came to me one day, and told me his story,
but it was not to be told by mouth, for they listen to us.
they are around at all times, and they are always aware.
the walls my friends,
yes the walls have ears.

here is the journal of a boy.
the journal is real, like i said before....
no tell-talle lies.

(insert journal here)

any questions my audience?
any one?
any one at all?

(if a question arises..answer)

thank you.
now if i might,
i must tend to the other stories of forgotten souls and lost lovers.
for i am the storykeeper,
my mind the book that is written in,
my lips, the utinsel to preach their stories to the world.
have you listened enough?
we have many more stories.
they fill my head will stories,
ranging from happiness to sadness,
to anger to fear,
to hate to love.

i shall end my session with a final line,
i shall quote a line from a very powerful writer,
Saul Williams is his name.

intelligence is intuitive
you needn’t learn to love
unless you’ve been taught
to fear and hate

ponder these words my audience,
please and after doing so,
open your minds to the imagination,
let it wander like the wind,
which is the moon’s imagination wandering from it’s mind.
stop to smell the roses,
stop to think of your children
stop to thing of the people we loose each day.
then stop and think of yourself.

thank you

REVOLUTION NOT EVOLUTION -- ANCIENT SECRETS LIE WITHIN:
lying crumpled on the floor, we awake from our dreams of destruction.
we look around and see the buildings laying in ruins,
we see the smoke of fire’s still burning cutting across the sky,
there is no blue skies for us any longer
only the black and red clouds of acid rain.
the taste of copper lingers in my mouth
you can still hear the sounds of the bomb dropping on the city streets.
the revolution is not over yet, we are the waiting.
the bodies of friends and family lie strewn across a dead end street
glass bottles break under the the childrens feet as we scurry across the city ruins.
someone is watching us, and we can tell by the defening silence.
...
can you hear it?
nothing, absolution at the peak of man-kind’s "perfect plan" for a "perfect world"
the government thought they had destroyed the weak, but we rise in numbers
this is the rise of the new age, The Age Of Evolution. and its the fall of Revolution and Society.
a new society shall be built, statues shall be ERECTED.
we shall search for survivors.
...
just another dream? you wake up in a cold sweat from the safety of your bed.
you fall back down and look at the woman next to you.
out of the bedroom and into the bathroom,
you notice cuts on your face, what happened last night?
walking out you leave the money on the table and leave.
driving back you notice a light shining bright in the sky.
"thats not the north star either" say a voice in the back seat.
the car swerves as you look into the back seat wondering who the hell that was.
...
the blast knocks everything around you down.
what happened here?
...
the revolution has started,
nations bomb each other in revolt.
an equivalent of the cold war, but this is no battle between the Russians and America.
this is a full-fledged war of the world, World War III has come.
The atomic bombs have been kept locked up for ages, collecting dust on them.
The rockets used for "tests" are now launched against everyone they see that is an enemy.
...
rolling in bed,
dreams frightening.
what the hell is going on?
is this a real war?
or is it just another dream?
...
you wake up lying crumpled on the floor,
smoke creeps into senses as you pull yourself off the floor.
looking around, it seems real, but is it for real this time?
...
a page of a book plutters down into the puddle in front of you.
it reads...
"Anciet secrets lie within it..."
...
The story of the mouse and the owl.
Memories flow towards you like bullets through water.
It is real this time,
nothing is a dream any longer.

and thats all folks....till later

Short Stories

2009-01-07T13:52:00.000-09:00

Story from the Nursing Home - Locked In Tight

Originally this was a pscychology project assignment, and it seemed fair for people to read and give a review, so here is something entirely new from my mind...enjoy!
(Note: This is entirely fictional and is not to be taken as real…thank you…)

--------------------------

(This is a transcribed version of a voice conversation between a young man and an older woman, on her feelings of being “tossed” into a nursing home. The names of these people have been withheld and switched.)

--------------------------

Hayden: So what were your initial feelings of being put in here? Did you feel any feelings of disownment from you own children or something greater?

Ruth: Well, I felt a little like my own children, my own flesh and blood so to speak, did disown me. It didn’t seem understandable why they “tossed” me in here. Outside of here I lived very peacefully and I took care of myself with some help from my personal assistant. All I know is that one day they came to my house and started packing my things in boxes and took me here! I was perplexed at the reason, which they still didn’t tell me.

Hayden: So you mean to tell me that your kids took you there and left you? Have they ever stopped to say hi or visit? Do they keep any contact or do they distance themselves from you entirely, like you don’t even exist anymore?

Ruth: Well, they call, but only once every month. They never stop to say hi or come to visit. I haven’t even seen my own grandchildren in so long! My feelings change from time to time. The only thing that I have to realize that I’m cared for is my friends who stop by, but that only fills part of the void of what my children have created.

Hayden: Wow, this is pretty intense and is very deeply rooted as I can tell. Have you tried to call them in any way? Have you requested to them that you would like to see your own grandchildren?

Ruth: I have indeed multiple times contacted them, but I always get their answering machine. They have sent me pictures of them, but they still never stop in.

Hayden: That’s sad, and makes me angered at the moment. If I get to your current age, please to no offense…(Ruth says something in the background…) I would be mad at my own children also! So the only company you ever have is the friends in your apartment complex?

Ruth: Yes, they are the only people who talk to me, stop by or even bring me gifts from time to time.

Hayden: So what are your overall feelings of being placed there and being “locked” in so to speak? Do you feel like your life has just been thrown away or that the only family you have any more is your friends?

Ruth: My overall feelings would be that yes, I do feel “locked” in and that these people are my only friends, but at the same time I do feel a bit of sympathy for my children also.

Hayden: Why is that?

Ruth: Because they just may not have the time or other unpredictable situations seem to creep in and destroy their plans. But it would make my entire life complete if they did come to see…(the doorbell can be heard in the background)…could you please hold for a second Hayden…(Hayden mutters something inaudible into the phone)…

(A commotion of sound can be heard in the background on the phone. Suddenly the soft voice of Ruth picks up.)

Ruth: Speak of the devil; my wishes seem to have come true…

Hayden: Is that so? I hope you like your gift Ruth…

(Ruth suddenly tries to speak into the phone, but she can only hear the soft beeping of the other end.)

Dodging Bullets In The Night

(Attention: The style of writing (which has been adopted as the Tarantino **** is the style of writing in this story!)

“Oh Jesus Fucking Christ!” It’s the only thing I could speak at that exact moment in time. The bullet cackled through the crisp midnight air and pierced my femur. Pain surged from the now fully exposed and bleeding flesh wound. Blood was running, red like the burning sands on the Red Sea’s coasts. There was no Moses to part the sea at the time of my faux pas, no spreading of the seas to protect me from my silhouetted assailant. I had to shamble my way to the large Titan steel doors. My laughter echoed off the walls back to my still ringing ears. That M7 grenade that they tossed at me 20 minutes ago damaged my ears so bad; I think they may even be bleeding. As I heard my laughter, I also heard the footsteps of my assailant inch closer. The wrought iron doors in the other room creaked ominously open. I was only 8 ft. from the doors. It hadn’t dawned on me yet. Damn! It skipped across my mind that they needed the security code to unlock the set of 5 steel bolts. My mind was racing on for what felt like forever, it was interrupted by the rattling of empty bullets hitting the ground. “Any last words Mr. Masanobu?” I turned to see my assailant, hoping to get a final look before my final passing hour of life ceases to exist.
Let’s take back time that has been lost. My name is Akita Masanobu, my life and profession is in the career of something that is not the most proper job. Assassinations, it’s run in my family for decades. We are part of the Genyōsha, an ultranationalist group, but years into being formed it became corrupted with evil and vile men. They wanted more power than what was laid before them; greed strikes the hearts of vile men. Soon after many years of trying to reverse these twisted “side effects”, my father and the rest of my family was slain. The committee saw us as vile oppressors of their new direction. I survived the massacre, and since that day I have sworn vengeance upon my family. Each day and every breathing second I take, I get closer to the truth and ten steps closer to my enemies.
My life is in shrouds of mystery and tales of old in the eyes of my friends, no one expects this to be my job. The only people who know I’m coming are those who deserve it, and as far as I can tell, fear should be creeping up their spines. I sat down in the slightly crowded diner and waited for the server. I watched as a tall slender girl of almost 25 years of age, walk towards me. “What can I get for you babe?” She spoke in a courteous voice, while stretching her arm with a menu in hands towards me. “Um, can I just get a coffee for now?” I said as I turned my face slightly to meet her gaze. “Do you want it black or decaf?” She asked beaming at me. “I’ll take it black.” She noted the creamers & sugars on the table before she turned on her heels and spun towards the counter. She came back almost instantaneously with my heated beverage. I looked up and down the menu and set it down. She left to tend to another table, which each time she walked she spun on her heels. I pulled my bag closer and opened it up. There was the large manila envelope staring back at me. At that moment I was praying to whatever God may be up right now to thank Saitou for this spectacular information. My mission and targets.
The vile oppressors who have started this righteous act of nemesis.
-----------------
Boss Matsiki
Age: 48
Sex: Male
Bio: Previously former administrator to Shinsu Masanobu, he was the one who led the small party of mauraders on Akita’s family.
-----------------
Under boss Sanbou
Age: 33
Sex: Female
Bio: Sanbou was originally the secretary for the Ultranationalist group, until the massacre occurred; she and Boss Matsiki have a ‘close’ relationship. (Possibly the way she got to this position in such little time.)
-----------------
Administrator Takahashi
Age: 37
Sex: Male
Bio: Takahashi was (before the massacre) 3rd in command officer. Obviously Matsiki has given him more power than before.
-----------------
2nd in Command Officer Nabuhashi
Age: 28
Sex: Male
Bio: (Nothing is currently known about Nabuhashi, for it seems that Matsiki has had him ‘specially’ trained.)
-----------------
3rd In Command Officer Bakinshu
Age: 63
Sex: Male
Bio: Originally from the Pearl Harbor incident, he has much knowledge of history and supposedly gives Matsiki insight on information on related subjects.

This mission seemed like suicide to some, but to me, it was a revolt against the tyranny of evil men. I sat at the little diner for a while more, got up paid my bill and left. Driving around is hard, due to the massive amounts of traffic, so walking is your best bet. I need to overview the rest of these files and find their locations and begin this ‘hunt’. After 20 minutes of walking I’m in the local park, quiet, peaceful. I open the folder and review the information again. I pull out my pad and jot down notes about the places they would be and the times they do them.
Saitou said on a note in the envelope:
Destroy this evidence after you get it. After the assignment is done, destroy all evidence. Good luck and God speed Akita.
Saitou
Saitou was like a sister to me, she has taken care of me ever since that day. Each year on Feb. the 14th, the day in my life that will never be shaken. Known around now as The Bloody Valentine Massacre, everybody thought it was a “suicide party”. No one knew the actual truth other than me, and no one believed me, except for Saitou. Saitou is a 27 yr. old with a life, unlike me, she has two kids and a boyfriend. She feeds me information on the committee, and she tends to me as well as her family. It seems stressful for me to think of her doing all this, but she says it is what she must do.
In return for her doing that she told me to take my revenge, but it wouldn’t give me the possible outcome I wanted. She knew well, “revenge is a dish best served cold”. Revenge was a cruel thing, but hate and murder would never bring them back. The satisfaction of having it would only fulfill the void that has taken it’s place in my body, mind, and soul.

[D]evil's [D]irty [D]eed's [C]hapters [1-3]

2009-01-07T13:47:00.000-09:00

*The Original Page Can Be Found At:

http://www.freewebs.com/artemis_18/storytime.htm

[C]hapter [1]

I just stood there. Staring at the heap of things that lay beneath that cloth. I had to look, just to help with the case. My name’s Will Clayton, I work for the CSI. I’ve been working with them for just a year now, and I’ve seen things I wish I never had. My newest case was that of the infamous reappearance of Jack the Riper. Although Jack has been dead for way to many years, this seems to be a copycat of the murders that happened those years ago. A hooker, disturbing murder techniques and she was found in an alleyway were no one could notice or would care that a hooker would have been slaughtered. This case has been going for at least half a year now, but there have been only 4 murders, 1 including a little child. This copycat seems to also leave a “calling card”; he skins the victims’ heads clean. Is this some kind of sick joke? No. It evens gives me chills through my spine, especially since my encounter with this killer. Yes, I meet them, well sort of bumped into them on a stroll through the park and bumped into them while I was over viewing some files. I never would have thought that that person was going to be the one I was going to be chasing for weeks on end. But back to now. I picked up the corner of the sheet; the stench of the body was already filling the room second by second. I was going to throw up, this happens to me most of the time, but this was horrible. What I heard from the officers at the scene, it was as if though this was like some sick and twisted kind of love scene. It was.

Walking into the room, you could just see the violet light streaming from under the curtains if you looked in from outside. The drapes were dawned down, clad with wet blood. The sheets on the bed seemed to be like a black hole, with the color in the violet light Chains were just randomly hanging from the ceiling, with some whips and blindfolds on a rack near the closet. The closet was fully open; nothing was touched or even hit with blood. Maybe we may be able to find some prints to lift from there. “The weapon could be anywhere in this god damn room!” I heard an officer yell out in agony with fear in his voice. Officers seemed to be very scarce now, but I didn’t mind it. I could hear the sound of the blood being sucking up against the body pulled with the sheet resonating in the room. I finally pulled it off. The sight…blood seemed to be as if though there was a lake, she must have bleed to death in seconds. I noticed the marks on her feet, taking note. She had cuts and stab wounds all around her body. Her mouth had cuts across the corners of her mouth, as if though the killer wanted her to smile forever, even in death. What a sick, demented person is all I was thinking. She had the leather bound straps still around her wrists. She was stabbed to death while she was tethered down. She must have been able to get off the bed and move to the floor, but the killer got to her first. The phone cord also was wrapped around her neck. My head started doing circles, I have to leave is all I was thinking. I quickly stumbled out of the room and out the front door and threw up all over the lawn. One of the officers outside quickly ran to my side. “Are you okay?” Yeah, it’s just the sick and twisted things that I just saw. “Wow, it must be bad. Right?” Yeah. “Are you going to be okay?” Uh-huh, all I need is a breather. “Okay.” I walked back inside after about 5 minutes of being outside. It was getting cold, especially now. I walked back in the room, everyone knew that I couldn’t stand the sight, and kept to themselves. I quickly diverted my attention from the sheet, which had been dawned over the woman again to the drops of blood that lead to the bathroom. I walked in there and found it was less gruesome. Nothing seemed to be disturbed except for the bloodstains in the sink, and on faucet. There on the mirror written in what was either lipstick or paint or even blood: There will be moreThat message seemed to stick in my head. Sickening me to the bone. There was a fine white powder on a small hand mirror by the toilet; I knew it was either coke or some other drug After we all started to pack up I noticed something in the bathroom, but thought maybe I should turn in and check it out on my own time. A good nights rest is all that I need for the rest of my life! I was tired and it was starting to show by the time. 3:38 a.m. Good God! I’ve been up how long? Quickly driving home as if though I am a mother fearing the life of her children in the presence of their abusive father. Opening the door I automatically hear the chronic yet soft beeping of the answering machine. I knew that either all or one of the messages was from my ex-wife, calling me about paying my child support bills, which I have paid all the time. Or she’s telling me to take the kids for the weekend so she can go and visit her boyfriend Mañuel (her Spanish snot-nosed prissy suck-up boyfriend). She never seems to take care of the kids, so I have them most of the time and they ask me about some of my cases and how I help them. They always love it when they get to dress up in the lab suits and act like they are solving a crime scene at home. I always create a “scene” for them and we set a time of 3 days to find out who done it. Just like clue I walk up to the answering machine, 5 NEW MESSAGES. Five wow. That’s a lot of messages for one day, which I usually get less than three a day. I click the PLAY button; you can hear the click of the machine as it starts to play the messages. *Uh…hello, is this the Clayton residence? My name is Paul Winnow, and I need to ask you a few questions about your cred…* Shut the hell up, is all I have to say. Click…**Listen You bashtard, yoush better pick up yersh kidsh. Takesh them for the weekendsh. Call me you asshole.** God, drunk again. As usual I need to drive all the way across town to go pick them up at 5:18. And I just came from over there, but why didn’t she call my cell? Oh…that’s right she was drunk and can’t remember anything except for the numbers on her speed dial! Jesus Christ! Oh well, at least I can have someone in my house that can keep me company. Click…**…** Damned telemarketers Click…**Hello William. I’ve been watching you. As a matter of fact I’m right outside your door. ** Click. Uh…that got me a bit started, especially when I did notice the bushes moved. But it may have been Ryan, my black and white tabby cat, chasing after a mouse. Suddenly the doorbell rings of the hook. Ding, Ding, Ding! God, I hope this isn’t some sick joke. I look through the peephole and notice my best friend Gale standing in the dim faded light of my porch ringing the doorbell. Okay? I open the door. “When were you going to answer the door? God you can sometimes be so mean and leave your friends in the cold!” Well you know, I just got off work like 2 hours ago and had to drive from the other side of town. And now I have to pick up my kids. “Damn…rough night then?” Yeah, did you figure that out so fast Sherlock? “Yeah, and you can lay of the attitude man. Christ.” Sorry. “Well did you get my message?” What message? “Hello William. I’ve been watching you. As a matter of fact I’m right outside your door (speaking in a deep voice).” THAT WAS YOU! “Yeah, who did you expect? Some kind of mysterious stalker? Besides, I’m your mysterious stalker person!” Yeah, you are. Gale. You are. “Well, didn’t you say you were going to go pick up your kids?” Yeah, but I got to go fast, cause she is drunk. Again. “Ah. Well can I tag along with you? I can keep company for the kids and you can sleep on the way there and back.” Okay, that sounds so good. “Yeah. Well let’s go “Where are the keys?” Here catch! I toss the keys to her and she instantaneously catches them and unlocks the door and starts the Durango I climb in back and lay down. “Where are we going?” Here. I punch in some numbers in the GPS and the map comes up with the roads to take. “Okay.” The rides about ½ hour - 1 ½. When we're near there wake me up. “Okay.” The city lights pass over the Durango and flow in like rays from the sun, waking me with every passing second. Flash, flash. Gale turned the radio on I guess, cause suddenly I can hear the sound of symphony music. Or else its one of her CD’s. I don’t really mind it. It’s really relaxing. I suddenly doze off. “Hey! Wake up, where almost there.” What? Still waking up from the oddest dream. “We are almost there.” Okay. I crawl up into the front seat and point out the next few streets to take. Turn right here, and the 4th left up here and then take east and it is the large house with the pool in front. “Okay, I see it.” We get out of the Durango and walk up to the front door. Ring! I can hear footsteps coming towards the door. “Good evening Sir.” It was her butler. Yeah, I’m here to pick up Jason and Kira. “Ah yes, Mister Clayton. Please come in, it’s a bit cold out tonight.” Yes it is. We walk in the door and sit on the bench near the door. I hear the soft thumping of the kids feet as they run towards me. **DADDY! ** I quickly stand to hug them. Hey guys, how’s mommy treating you? “Okay, but she spends to much time with her boyfriend. Its not like with you, we can always have fun.” Kira said. Jason agrees. “How is Ryan daddy?” Jason asks is the sad little voice he uses to get away with things. He’s okay; he’s gotten fatter though. Wow, you should see him! “How big is he then?” Well, he’s just getting bigger! Not really fatter. In unison “Oh.” Well let’s go. “Wait a shecond!” Her voice stands out like a knife cutting butter. I don’t think anyone has ever gotten used to it. I turn to see her stumbling down the hallway to the door holding a bottle. It was wine; just by the way she was talking. She used to drink a lot when we were together, but that’s why I had to leave. “I have to say good-byesh to my kids! Come here!” I could already smell the wine from her breath. They walk slowly up to her and hug her. “Good-byesh kids.” “Good-bye mommy.” “You better take care of them, and not more of this crime solving things you are allowing them to play. You know that makes them psychos when they are older?” Yeah, I’ve heard it all. “Well take care of them.” Okay. “It was…um…nice seeing you. Oh…what is this? Is this your new girlfriend?” Pointing at Gale. “You’ve got it wrong, I drove him here cause he got off work and I’m one of his only friends that live near him.” “Okay, I get it. You leave me for this little whore? You’re desperate. Get some help!” I notice Gale starting to get red with anger. I quickly ran over to her and told her to take the kids to the car. She did so and took them with her. You should watch you god damn mouth. Our kids were right there. “Yeah, well its not like you didn’t do it to.” When do you want to see them? “What? Oh…you can have them for the next 2 months, cause me and my lovely man are going on a vacation to the Bahamas!” And how do you plan on doing that? Could you at least give the kids some money so that if they want to buy something? “Oh…right. Here’s $200. Split it.” Okay, see you. “Yeah.” I walked out the door and the butler closed the door as I left. I notice the kids and Gale were already talking in the Durango. Wow, this is the worst night of my life. What else could go wrong?

[C]hapter [2]

We finally came to a stop. Finally we were home. I woke up and looked in the back of the car and saw that the kids were fast asleep. Wow, such a tiring ride. Gale was even starting to yawn with the anticipation of sleep. I think tonight is a night that the whole city could possibly sleep even while it is burning. Creepy isn’t it? Gale, my best friend since after my wife and I …err…ex-wife broke up. She lives down the street about 4 houses down. She’s almost 29, but she absolutely looks like she is a teenager still. She’s always been the kindest person to me. “Well, I guess I’ll walk back home. See you later.” What are you talking about; it’s like 6:38 in the morning! Stay here and crash on the couch, the kids will be in their room. There’s room for you to sleep. “Okay, well you know I’ve got to check my messages and everything.” Hmm. Want a rain check? “That’ll be great.”

Let me drive you back though, the kids are asleep. They won’t mind. “Thanks.” So we drove the little way and we chatted for at least 2 minutes. Then it just happened. Our lips made contact with each other. How unexpected. Suddenly as if though paralyzed in fear, Gale turned around and walked up to her door. I’m sorry. “Its okay…Good Night Will.” Goodnight. Trying not to be an ass, I suddenly turn on my heels and shuffled to the car.

Home, more of the same soft chronic beeping of the answering machine. 1 NEW MESSAGE. Great another god forsaken call. Unless it’s Gale, but it’s a slim chance. She probably sat down by the door as I drove away and started to become sad. It’s just the thing you pick up after watching so many movies, but this is real life and not a movie. Jason and Kira instantly seem to pace themselves to their room, I follow. I tuck them in and kiss them goodnight. Close the door and walk across the hall to my room. Finally rest. I hear the beeping of the answering machine. God Dam it! I quickly walk up and go to it, and look at the number on the caller ID. UKNOWN CALLER. Click…**Hello Will, I called a while back and you never picked up. Where are you? I’ve…** Click. Now that was creepy, huh? I suddenly hear the soft purring of Ryan coming from the front porch. I quickly set myself with a brisk pace to the door and let him in. Meow…Meow! I go and fill up his food and water dish. He purrs loudly in return for the gracious task I have given him. I walk to my room and fall on the bed. I can hear the buzzing of the furnace starting to kick on. I quickly look to my nightstand and pull out one of my pills and take a swig of the water bottle on the stand. Ah. Rest. Good for the body and soul. I can already feel the pill starting to take its effect on me. Good!

About 5 minutes later I’m fast asleep with the blankets wrapped around me I suddenly feel another presence in the room with me and look up and see my door creaking open. It must be one of the kids. No, wait the footsteps are too loud. That isn’t the kids. I quickly look up to only see the knife plunge into my stomach and ooze out the crimson red blood from the wound. I scream out in pain and terror. I can’t see my attackers face, but I can feel the strength of the knife being pulled out of my wound as I fall to the floor with a crash and scream and moan in terror. I can hear the attackers footsteps coming closer. Suddenly I hear my attacker’s harsh breathing next to my ear. **I saw the kids in the other room; you know what I’m going to do to them? ** NO! DON’T HURT THEM! It was too late; I could hear the footsteps leaving the room.

Suddenly I find myself waking up in a cold sweat. Goddamn that was some kind of fucking nightmare. I look at my stomach though, no wound. Just in case, I go and check on the kids. I walk to their room and notice that Ryan wants to go with. Okay buddy. I open the door and peer in; they are both sleeping like rocks. Wow, that was a creepy dream. Ring, Ring! I suddenly turn to run toward the phone to answer it before the kids get woken up. Hello? “Will?” Yeah. “Hey, it’s Shane.” Oh…hey, what time is it? “Um…let’s see.” I can hear him get up to look around for a clock. “Uh, it’s about 10:30 in the morning. Sleep well?” No, I had another nightmare. “Is it about your work?” Well no really, wouldn’t you? “Well, yeah. But I work on living people.” Now how comforting is that? You can open up a living person to fix them up, but it wouldn’t phase you if you were working on a dead person? “Um…Well I was just calling to check up on you. Christ!” Sorry, I got back with Kira and Jason around 7:00 a.m. and I dropped Gale off, and I haven’t slept a full day’s length in over a month. “Well, are those pills working for you?” Yeah, they are working, but I only take them when I absolutely need to. “Yeah, don’t try to get hooked on them.” Oh, I know! “Well, I just wanted to check up on you and see how you are doing.” Yeah, I’m doing fine. I’m going to go back to bed now. “Okay, talk to you later.” Yeah, you to.

I seem to feel like God just came down and crushed my parade. This whole case is going wrong; everything seemed to be going as if thought it was planned. I stumble through the dimly lit hallways to the bathroom. I need to take a fucking shower. That’s all that I need at this moment. I quickly turn the shower on and walk to my room to pick out something to wear, great, its Wednesday. Work. Well how about something more casual? I pick out my favorite pair of jeans that are ripped and tattered and stitched up, along with the worn black leather jacket. These where gifts from my friend on Christmas, it was the last time we would see each other, cause he was an teacher and he went to Africa to help the children and people down there. I get mail from him every so often and he says its great being down there, the last time, in which he sent a photo of him and the chief of the village he is helping out. It looks great! I said last time in a letter, I’ll try and save up some money and me and the kids can stop by down there and see you. Before he left he was in a horrible state of mind, his parents both died of smoking, and his sister was paralyzed from the waist down in a horrible car crash on Halloween 2 years ago. She went with him to help, since she said she would rather spend her time helping out people instead of being stuck to a wheelchair all her life. I got a letter from her once and she seemed to like it a lot down there.

I pull these of the top shelf and grab a pair of socks and underwear, always have to be clean! I grab my radio/CD player too. I set it all down on the bed and grab my CD book, what to listen to? I’ve always been a kind of metal head since my uncle let me listen to Slayer, before that my aunt had Korn and I always thought any song I heard was them, but then I heard them and have all there CD’s. But I have changed a bit since then, like 6 years or so, I’ve allowed my self to expand into Punk, Screamo, Emo and Techno/Rave. You can gain a lot of sense to why the artist made the songs if you listen and research (if possible). But back to the CD book, the label on this one is Volume 5. Most of them are labeled, since I have about 2,000 CD’s. I find my favorite metal CD. Century Media’s Metal For The Masses Volume 3, I pick out the 2^nd CD, which has a mix on music. Now to take my shower. I know the kids will sleep in for a while, because it’s been a rough night. I plug it in and lift the CD player portion and hear it reading it, 20, I quickly shuffle through the songs to number 7. Mnemic – Deathbox, one of the more odd songs I like. The bathroom is already full of steam, so I go and open the window to let it drift out into the outside world. I quickly strip down and hop into the shower. The feeling of water running over a person’s body is so comforting that you feel as if though you could sleep or even that you are with God. But yeah, that’s just what it feels like, like I want to sleep, but the moment that water or coldness hits my body I’m awake. I turn the showerhead to the pulsating 3-streamed setting so I can allow it to “massage” my neck. I turn around to grab the shampoo to wash all the dirt and shit that gets in my hair and clean my hair and rinse. I wash myself down with the soap and stand up for a few seconds more before I sit down on the stand that I attached to the wall for the kids to sit on if they didn’t want to take a bath. Wow, this is totally becoming stressing my mind out. I turn the shower off and grab my towel and dry myself off, making sure not to get the floor wet.

I dry my hair and put my piercings back in. I have 4 ear piercings, 1 eyebrow piercing and 3 lip spikes. People look at me in ways that I don’t care, because this is what I want to look like. It’s just funny how people can be so stereotypical about others, but it doesn’t matter. I dawn my clothes on and apply my deodorant and cleanse my face with the face wash in the medicine cabinet. I don’t really have a lot of acne, but it’s not noticeable. I can hear the uppity sounding songs of the Hellacopters – Carry Me Home. This CD has only a few good songs. I switch it back to Mnemic. I suddenly hear the soft rapping of someone at the door. It must be one of the kids. Who is it? In my childish voice “It’s me daddy!” I hear Kira's soft voice and quickly lower the music drastically. I open the door and the steam seems to billow out and roll down the hall. “Daddy?” Yes, honey. “What’s for breakfast?” Those famous words any kid asks, or is it the one about dinner. I don’t really know. Um, well what do you want? “I don’t know, maybe Jason can pick it out! JASON!” She screams out her brother’s name and I hear him stumble as he runs down the hallway. “Yeah Kira?” “Daddy wants to know what you want for breakfast.” “Um, how about that pancake place dad?” IHOP? The one were we usually eat? “Yeah!” Okay, if you guys say so. “Alright!” I can hear them run down the hall to their room to get ready. I walk to the kitchen and pick up the phone, I remember about Gale and I press TALK and dial her number 374-8943, I can hear it ring. I quickly hang up. I can’t do this, its probably eating her alive, I guess I will have to call her later. Are you guys almost ready? “ALMOST!” I grab my phone and keys and start the car and walk up to the door to see them charging out the door towards the car. Well you guys are done fast. “Yup.” We get in the car and I turn the radio on, and ask them what they want to listen to. “How about that one band that has that song that goes like um…um…I forgot.” Jason says. “How about that CD?” Pointing to My Chemical Romance. Are you sure? This is the fast loud music. “Its okay dad, I like the cover.” I put it in and start listening to the lead singer say softly **Long Ago, just like the hearse you died to get in again, we are so far from you…(then scream) Burn It up like a match strike to incinerate! ** I can see Jason in the back starting to bob his head, and I see Kira trying to do her impression of an air guitar. I just had to laugh, and then my phone started ringing. I turned the music down and looked at the number: 374-8943 GALE. I answer it, hello? “Hey.” Hey, about las… “Not right now.” What’s wrong? Is this about last night? “No, I need you to stop by later.” Click…She hung up on me. I guess I’ll stop by later. “Who was that?” That was the lady that was with us last night, she’s my friend Gale. “Oh.” We pull up into the parking lot of the local IHOP and both of them jump out of the car and walk beside me. We get inside and are greeted and seated. The waiter asks them what they want and they say chocolate milk. Of course, then they want pancakes and sausage links. She takes down their orders and turns to me, “And what would you like today Sir?” Um, I guess I’ll take the fruit pancakes, with strawberries. “Okay, anything to drink?” Can I get some coffee? “Sure. I’ll have that coffee and the milk to you in a minute.” She walks off and comes back about 4 minutes later with the milk and coffee. She runs back to the kitchen and I can hear the clanking of dishes and pans and the sizzling of the mixtures of food and meat cooking in their own fat on the burners. Jason and Kira keep themselves occupied with the kids’ menu coloring pads.

Our food finally came to us about 10 minutes later, and Kira and Jason had about 2-3 refills on their drinks, and I noticed that they started moving in their seats. Do you guys have to go to the bathroom? “Yes!” Okay, well then let’s go. I walked with them to the bathrooms and stayed outside since they learned how to go to the bathroom when they were with me all the time. I hear the flushing of the urinal and hear water going from the faucet, which means Jason must be done, or else it's someone else. They both came out 2 minutes after each other and we went back to the table. Ring, Ring! I pick up my phone and notice the number 527-6281 WORK. I quickly answered, what’s up? “Hey Will, we need you down hear. Pronto, boss man is getting mad.” Well tell him I have my kids today! “I don’t know if that will work either, because he’s furious.” Okay, I’ll be there in about 15 minutes, tell him he better have an empty office for the kids! “Okay, will do! Oh, yeah I pulled some prints from that vic. You had at that house over on Cedar & 8^th. It’s a match to 4 suspects that are in the database, and you’ll never believe this.” What? “They are all dead.” Silence is all I could believe, are you kidding me, then this person or persons must have their prints! “No way these guys have been dead for about 5 years now. Those prints would be gone with the tissue, unless they cut the fingers off and froze them.” Now that’s a possibility. Well I’ll be their okay, so tell him to calm his ass down! “Got it. Meet me in the lab.” All right. Clap. I close the phone and call the waitress over, Excuse me; can we get some to go boxes? “Sure, how many do you need?” About 4 or 5 maybe, thanks. “Okay, I’ll get those to you.” She came back and Jason and Kira stared at me for a few seconds, “Daddy, why are we leaving?” I’ve got to go to work, my boss is mad. “Oh...” I could sense the sadness in their voices. But… (They instantly cheered up) I asked my friend in the lab to get an open room for you guys to play in. “YEAH!” They cheered and quickly got up; we went to the counter and paid. They ran to the car waiting for it to open, I unlocked it and they climbed in like monkeys!

The drive is about 15-20 minutes away from my house, so that’s about how long I have to get there. We pull up and I pull out my I.D. and show pass it through the scanner. We had to do this a while ago, because someone came in and sabotaged one of our biggest cases and we just got new evidence and this invader came and trashed our equipment and stole the new evidence. We installed two-way glass windows with sliding metal doors that lock when the window breaks. So it’s locked down. We walk in and I notice Neil standing at the top of the stairs waiting impatiently for me. “So what took you?” Hey, shut up! I have my kids this week cause of you-know-who. “Oh! Is that so, well you should have been here earlier! We got new evidence on the case.” I know, Devin told me about it. And how they are all dead. “Well, I guess I’ll have to give him some brownie points!” Okay, did he ask you about that open office? “Yeah. Hey Gloria!” The women named Gloria walks up and smiles at Neil. “Yes Neil?” “Can you take Will’s two kids to Karl’s office, since he’s not here today.” “Sure thing. Follow me.” I hug Kira and Jason before they leave and I wave to them. Okay, well Devin told me to meet him down in the lab. So that’s were I’m going. “Okay.” Oh yeah, I need to go back to that new vic’s house; I noticed something in the bathroom before we left. “Alright, you’ll need to get an officer or someone to go with.” Yeah I know the procedure. I walk to the elevator and press the down button I can hear it ring as it comes up. I walk inside of it and go down and meet Devin. In the elevator is the most annoying music, that crappy sit and wait kind of music. Ting! The doors slide open and I walk down the hall and turn to the right on my heels and walk to the second door on the left. I notice Devin is already standing over the body examining it, from the window on the door. I walk in and pick up a coat and walk over to him and the body. “Hey.” Hey, so what’s new since you last called? “Well, you need to look at this detox report, cause she had ecstasy and cocaine in her system, and I mean heavy doses.” I look at the chart and notice that she either O.D. or she died from the killer, but the drug theory was not understandable to me, since she couldn’t have done all that. “And I found exactly 20 stab wounds and a cut across her check and chest.” So she was having sex with a deadly weapon?

“Pretty much.” Wow, it must have been horrible or pleasurable to her. Hey, you said you pulled some fibers. “Oh yeah, I sent them to get analyzed. They should be back here in a while, but they were fabric fibers, I still haven’t found any hair fibers.” Do you have the clothes from the body? “Yeah. They are on the table over there.” Well I’m going to check them to see if we find anything that may help. “Got ya.” I take the clothes and spread them out on the table and examine them with the black light, which it shows mostly blood, since it is a leather dress. There was nothing out of the ordinary, except for the receipt I found on the inside pocket.

It seemed to be a homemade card from a little girl named Janie to this victim, who’s name is possibly Melinda. Well it seems that we have a suspect, but no one to find out who she may be. Well, we have a possible suspect Devin. I showed him the note and he agreed with me.

[C]hapter [3] - [P]art [1]

**Drowning in a pool of my blood, it’s getting harder just to breathe! I’ll suffocate you faster just so you can see me sleep! It’s getting harder just to say the right things!** That’s the only that thing was going through my head, that song by Bleeding Through – On Wings Of Lead or something along the lines of that. It’s all I could sing in my head while working, since I never listen to music during the day. Its nearly 2:15 and Devin hasn’t gotten the results yet, but finally they came. The report showed that the fibers were from a Persian rug, which we never found at the house. So either she was killed at another house or she had that article of clothing on at another “service”. I go up and check on Jason and Kira. They are both playing in the office I got them into; they both are talking to each other to. I walk in and but they don’t hear me. “I wonder why we haven’t seen that lady that was with daddy when we where at mom’s.” Jason said to Kira. “I don’t know. But she seemed very nice and I think she could be a perfect wife to him!” “Yeah.” They start playing with the dolls & action figures. I softly rap my fingers across the doorframe and they look up and see me standing there. “DADDY!!!” Hey you guys! How are things going? “It’s okay.” Whimpered Jason. I stood there in the doorway and talked to them for a bit more, until I had to leave. Oh yeah! What would you guys like for lunch? “Can we have pizza?” “NO!!!! I WANT CHINESE!!!” Okay, well I can get you guys both! “YEAH!!” They cried in unison. So I found the phone on the desk and pulled out a phonebook and called the most local pizza and Chinese restaurants. Hello? Uh yeah, can I get some… “Okay sir that will be $10.24. Will you need delivery?”… *Now reader, you may be asking yourself what kind of stupid question I was putting in this sentence, so yeah. Just keep on reading! *

…So the delivery girl (not a guy! What a change?) Gets over here and I go outside and pick up the order and pay for it and walk back inside. The pizza guy (guy, not girl) came about 10 minutes later. I sat down with them and ate some food, cause you know, I was getting pretty god damn hungry! We sat there and ate, not talking, except for the passing by of the “outside” world **Notice how I “----“ the word outside? Meaning the ‘World’ outside of the room, meaning the people outside running around screaming and talking to other people on the OTHER side of the building.**

I finally finish up eating with Kira and Jason, and tell them I need to get back to work. I tell them I will be back in about an hour. Supposing I ever come back? Well, I go over to the vic’s house…(remember, in chapter 2? He said that he was going to go back to the vic’s house?)…So I go and call for an officer who’s off duty. “Martin Gill, sir. What is it you need?” Well, I need you to come along with me, cause I am going over to a recent vic’s house, cause I saw something that may be critical to this case. “All right sir.” Oh, and you don’t need to call me sir. Just call me Will. Okay? “Okay…Will.” **I guess he never had to call someone by their first name or he was at boot camp for far to long?** So I hop in the car and Martin gets in shotgun. I turn on the radio and turn it to 106.5 KWHL, a local station. “Uh, Will. You can’t have that on.” What? The radio? Oh, who’s gonna care? As I said that, Atreyu’s Bleeding Mascara tunes on. Martin seems to think for a second and relaxes. I can see that he is twiddling with his thumbs, which makes him a very nervous person. Or maybe he’s paranoid about the consequences? “Were are we going?” Well the vic lives across town, near the local park, a small quite neighborhood. “Okay.” I turn up the radio and scream the parts to Bleeding Mascara!

It takes about 29 minutes to get there. The house has caution tape posted all over the doors and across the yard borders. I walk up to the door and push the tape aside. I can still smell the dried blood sticking to the air. I walk in and go to the bathroom. This is where I noticed that one thing out of place. I look down at the cupboard and see that there are strands of hair caught in the frame. I pull out my hand dandy little kit, and take out an evidence bag and drop it in. I turn on my flashlight…**no I didn’t have it on the entire time like they do in TV shows, when there’s about enough light to see where you are!** … and I explore the deeper parts of the cupboard. Nothing out of the ordinary, cleaners, solvents and a couple rolls of toilet paper. The usual stuff MOST people store under their sinks.

The only thing that seemed to catch my eyes was the sudden flash I saw in the corner, under the sliding drawer, I saw something shine in the light of my flashlight. I grab it (of course, I have my gloves on. Not to damage the evidence.) And see it is a picture. I suddenly feel a presence in the room with me. I turn around and quickly see Martin standing behind me. “Did you find anything that is important?” Um, I think this may be a good clue. Pointing to the picture.

What could that mean? Follow the way of the vines? I think Martin was even thinking what it could have meant. He walked to the other room and I followed after I bagged the picture. “Wait! I saw some vines outside before we came in!” What? There are vines outside? “Yeah!” He took me outside and pointed to the row of vines crawling to the top of the house. I walked up to the side and looked up. It was about 35 feet if you fell. I would have to take the risk! I climbed up the grated side of the house, watching Martin move to the side of the house. I was about maybe 21 feet above the ground. I dared not look down again, cause I almost felt the feeling of unbalance. I finally got to top of the house and looked around to see if this may have been a clue or just a inside joke to this victim. I saw the flash of light so fast it blinded me. I reached for my eyes and instantaneously felt my hands reach for my eyes! I felt myself falling! I quickly regained my senses and grabbed the closest thing to my hands reach. I caught a hold of the gutter and kicked my feet to the house. I could hear Martin screaming into the CB to get some help over here. I was struggling to hold on, feeling my hands slipping from the gutter. I then heard the creak of the metal bending in my hands. No! I had my feet firmly planted on the grate, so that was good, so I quickly pushed myself up. I felt the gutter piece crumble under my weight as I pushed and grabbed the cord on the roof. I caught it and pulled myself up.

I could hear Martin screaming in terror, thinking I’d fallen down. But he only saw the piece of gutter fall down. I quickly held myself in place as I was stumbling to stand up. I’m Okay! I screamed to Martin. I could see him now, standing in the lawn, freaking out. I could hear the soft roar of the sirens coming closer to our site. I gained my senses back and looked back at the gutter. I inched closer and closer, keeping in mind that I may fall this time and die. I knelt down, wrapping the cable around my waist. I pushed aside the brush of leaves where I saw the sudden flare of light. ‘I found our weapon.’ I was holding the knife that we were looking for in my latex covered hands. I saw the dried bloodstains were carefully cleaned off. The whole knife was clean. I guess this was a clue, which is keeping this investigation going! I could hear the sirens near us, looking down I saw the officers and squads down below. I need a lift down! They all started moving around and they brought a ladder up and got me down.

I walked over to Martin, thanks for the help man! I patted him on the back while saying it. “Did you find something?” Yeah, I found our murder weapon. Pulling it out of my pocket in the bag.

[C]hapter [3] - [P]art [2]

I’m sitting in the back of the ambulance, being examined for any serious injuries. I’m OKAY! I kept screaming at the medic. I’m just a bit in shock! He left me after he was all done with his examinations. Martin was being questioned by his commanding officer, and I could see that he was getting angry with him. I walked over to his C.O. and tapped him on the shoulder. What’s the problem sir? “Well it seems that my officer, didn’t call notify me of this “patrol”.” Well, talk to my supervisor. He was at our offices, and I needed someone to take with me to this scene. I hand him a business card. And if there are any other questions, ask him! I pulled Martin off to the side, away from everything. What was that about? “Well I got switched to being a patrol over at your offices. But I guess my C.O. was trying to get me back to the station. Just some stupid thing that he does sometimes.” Well that’s bogus! I hope he doesn’t chew your ass any more! “Me too.” So does that mean you may be working back there? “Maybe.”

I see his C.O. walking over to us and I can see the look of disgust on his face. “Well it seems that you are out of trouble Martin! Be glad this man’s supervisor has a smooth talking mouth!!!” He walked off in a storm. I turned to Martin and gave him one of my cards. Call me some time. Maybe we can hang out? “Maybe.” Okay. Well I guess I’ll see you, later, maybe. We walked off and went our ways. It has to be about 4:52, which means my shift is almost over. Yes! I better get back to the lab, and get this new evidence back to.

I get in the patrol car and drive off, away from the scene of an almost new victim. Me. My phone starts to ring. Ring! Ring! I answer it. Hello? Hey Will? It’s Gale.” Oh…hey. “Are you gonna be back at your place soon?” Uh, yeah. My shift is almost over. “Okay, can I meet you at your place?” Um…sure. We hung up. I could hear a cold sadness in her voice. Like a ghost from the past had its grip on her. I drove to the station, and went inside and stopped by Jason and Kira, who by now had fallen asleep. I didn’t want to disturb them, so I went down to the lab. I found Devin looking over something from another case. I also saw Neil standing down by the door.

“What the hell kind of stunt is it that you are pulling now?” What’s that mean? The vic’s house? “Yeah!” Well let me get those out. “What do you mean by those?” I found two new pieces of evidence for the case. One was like a puzzle, leading to the prize. I pulled out the photo and explained to him. Okay, I found this in cupboard under the sink, hidden under a drawer. I pulled it out and Martin, the officer on patrol with me, explained to me that he saw vines outside. I know this may have seemed to be an inside joke or something, but my instinct came in. “Yeah, and your instinct could have killed you!” Well listen now, it gets better. I know I nearly got killed there, but it led to this. As I pulled out the knife, I saw Neil’s eyes grow. I heard the door to the lab open and Devin stopped in his place. Nothing is on it. I examined it while I was up there. It was hidden under a bunch of leaves in the gutter. “…” He was speechless. I think both of them were.

I handed him the evidence, as I walked back up stairs. It was 5:00. My shift was over. I went to the office with Jason and Kira, I woke them up and I told them we were leaving. They walked down the stairs to the car. It was almost dark. Even though it’s 5 o’ clock, the sun goes down early here. We drove down the street and I walked into a gas station and bought them something to drink. I kept on driving till we hit home, and I saw someone sitting on the stairs of my porch. It was Gale. I pulled up and got the kids out of the car. Gale came over and gave me a hand with them. She helped me bring them inside to bed. I closed the door and we went outside.

So what did you want to talk to me about? “Um…I read the paper, and…” Tears started streaming down her frail face. What’s wrong? Did something happen? “I read about this woman named Melinda…and I remembered that…” She could talk. “It was my sister.” I was stricken with confusion. Her Sister! But how? I never knew she had a sister! She couldn’t stop crying. I held her in my arms for the time that she cried. She lifted her head up and wiped the tears from her eyes. “I never told anyone about it, cause she was put in a hospital, one for the mentally disabled. She was their till about 3 years ago, when her term was exterminated. She called me after she got the number from our mom, and I talked to her so often. She didn’t call about a week ago, cause she always called me every week.” I didn’t know. I hugged her and whispered to her. I’m working on her case right now. She looked at me. “What?” Yeah, I was assigned her case. “So you know what happened to her!” Yes, but I don’t know if I can tell you about it. “Why? What happened to her? Tell me. TELL ME!” Okay! Your sister, we found in her apartment. We didn’t know a lot about her, but the way we found her, she was stepping or already on a dark side. “Dark side?” She was into stuff like bondage, etc. We found her tethered up. “What?” I could hear the terror in her voice. I knew this was going to scar her for life. She…um…this is hard to ask, but have you ever been told the stories of Jack The Ripper? “Um, yeah I’ve heard a few. He’s the guy that they never found, who was in London or some place. Right?” Yeah. Well there seems to be a resurrection of his acts of dismemberment and mutilation. Your sister was an unfortunate person to be one of his acts. But I am trying hard to get this case cracked. She just looked off in the distance. She was not taking this very well. Do you want to stay over here? “Um…sure.” She got up and went inside with me. I gave up my bed, and slept on the couch. She was awake after I went by the room, and then an hour later she was asleep. I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up around 3:49. I could hear the sound of someone or something, scratching at my door. I got up and went to the window and saw a red car pull out of my driveway. It couldn’t be Gale, cause she was asleep still. I went to the front door and on it I found a paper tacked to the door.

This note seemed to be a threat. . To Gale, but why her? I took the note and locked my doors and windows. I fell back asleep. It is the weekend, which is good, cause I get off. I wake up at around 10:14, and hear Gale talking to Kira. They were talking about “girl” stuff. Jason was sitting over by me. He noticed I was awake. “Isn’t that totally annoying? Girls.” I had to laugh. Jason looked at me like I was joking. I walked over by Gale and Kira and her stopped talking. I scratched my head. So what’s going on? “Nothing, just talking. Your little girl has a lot of thoughts on her mind.” “Yeah dad.” Is that so? Well, can Gale and I talk, in private? “Okay.” She walked off and Jason sat in front of the T.V. and watched cartoons. Kira went into the game room and turned on what sounded like the Discovery Channel. “Your girls got a lot of great ideas and things she’d like to do.” Seriously? “Yeah, but you know, you probably can’t see her a lot. Right? I mean with work and all.” Yeah, that true. I usually am ever able to sit down and talk with them. It feels like we are breaking apart, just like with my ex-wife and I. The sudden remembrance of looking at Gale arose the image of the note. Oh, last night I woke up around like 3:50 or something, and found this note. I handed it to her. She looked at it in shear terror.

“Does this mean I’m a target?” I think it is a threat. Maybe this guy is making a hit list or he’s taking out a specific family or people for some occult reason maybe. “This is getting whack Will. And it’s starting to make me worried, about the safety of me and you and your kids. I mean if you get dragged into this.” I think there is a possibility of that happening. **Trust Me.** we talked for about another 5 minutes. “I need to take a shower. Can I use yours?” Sure. I’ll get you a towel. I went to the closet in the hall and got her a towel. She thanked me. I went to my room and picked out what I was going to wear for the day. It was Saturday, more of a casual day.

I picked out a green jacket that has an under layer for a hood and sleeves. It also has the German flag on it, which makes people ask me if I am German or speak it. I say that I am part German, but I don’t speak it. I pick out my tattered pants that I “repair” myself. I also grab my boots. I walk around the room for a while, trying to get my body ready for today. I go and turn on my CD player and turn on System Of A Down’s – Mesmerize Album. I walk by the shelves on my wall and take of my shirt and toss it in the hamper by the door. I look on the shelves and see my favorite picture of my best friends from High School.

I take all my other clothes off and change into my new clothes. I fall back on the bed and pull out a book from the nightstand. **I wonder what’s she’s doing right now?** I looked into the book around, and found her number. I dialed the number and got her voice mail. Hey, well just calling to see how you are doing! Um, been a long time. Hope to hear from you soon! Call me…here’s my number. I gave her my number and said good-bye on the voicemail and hung up. Gale walked by the room and heard me saying good-bye. “Who was that? Just wondering.” Oh, that’s my friend Darci. She was one of my best friends from high school, just like Jeff. He was a security guard from the high school. I haven’t seen them in about 5 years. “Oh. That’s sad.” It’s okay, I talk to them every so often. I never can see them though. They both left state the same year. She seemed to feel the sadness that grew inside of me. She turned to go away, but hesitated and turned back to me. “Um, just a question. Do you have any clothes that would fit me?”

Yeah. I’ll get you some. “Thanks so much!” I went into the closet and pulled out a pair of pants and a small t-shirt for her. I gave her the stack of clothes and she walked off to the bathroom, I could hear her humming a song. It was a lullaby. I fell back, and started to go back to flashbacks of when I was in high school.

***High School Graduation Day*** I was walking up to the stand to get my diploma, and I walked up there and finished the whole ceremony for me. I walked back off the stage and went back to my seat and watched many other students get their diploma. After the ceremony was complete, I noticed my friends Jeff, Darci, Shawn, and my family grouped together. I walked over and they all hugged me and shook my hand. I looked at everyone and then said that I had a surprise to tell them. I found my girlfriend, and pulled her over. I have an announcement to make! This lovely lady, standing right next to me…(as I said this she blushed)…we are planning on getting married! A sudden silence crossed over our little group. They all cheered in unison. We got cheers from everyone. I walked off to the side and told her I was going to talk to some of my friends for a bit. She said okay. I found Darci and Jeff sitting down by a table talking to each other. I sat down next to them and we started talking. So how was it you guys? “It was great! Your out of high school!” I know it’s so good! “So what are you going to do? I mean like college or get a job?” Jeff said. I think I’m going to go to college and take this class, where they send you to other countries to learn the culture and language. “That’s cool.” Darci agreed with Jeff. I knew I wasn’t going to see them soon. “I’m going to be moving away this year Will.” “Me too.” Oh, where to? “Well I’m going to go live down in Washington.” Jeff told me. “And I’m going to Montana.” Darci told me. Oh, well then I should get your guys phone numbers! So they wrote down their numbers and handed them to me. I’ll program them into my phone later. So how long till you guys move? They both told me that they were going to be going on the same day. We should have a little moving away party, in your guys favor! “That’s a great idea!” A few weeks passed, and we all talked and hung out still, I went on to college that fall. I started taking my courses and I had to leave for Amsterdam. The day that they were leaving, I went to the airport with them and wished them goodbye as I watched their planes go off into the distance. My girl and I went to Amsterdam, which I was able to allow her to come along. We stayed there for about ½ year and then we went to Italy and Rome. We came back about 2 years later. We settled down, which by that time I had gotten an apprenticeship and took the actual job. We settled down and had Kira and Jason.***

I then looked up and saw that Jason and Kira were standing in the doorway. “Daddy? Can we do something today?” I heard Gale walk out of the bathroom. Yeah, we can go to the park. How does that sound? “Okay.” She ran off and I could hear her talking to Jason. Hey, you guys better get something to eat! I screamed to them. Gale walked into the room and sat on the bed next to me. “Your little girl, Kira. She told me something that I would never expect to hear from a little girl.” What is that? “She said, er, well her and Jason said that we would be the perfect couple.” I looked at her in confusion. What? “Yeah, she said that we would be a good couple.” Wow. That is something I would have never expected. I turned to her and looked her in the eyes. So do you think there is something between us? I mean like a relationship? “…” She stared at me hard. “Yeah. Actually I do believe so.” Well here. I took a big breath and said it to her. Gale, would you go out with me? She looked at me hard. I could see it piercing through her, like a knife through butter. She turned. Gale, please answer me. “Will… I need some time to think about this.” As she said this she turned her face to me, tears were running down her face. I caught them with my finger. I took her hand in mine, and whispered into her ear. Gale, you know that I will always be here for you anyway. She kissed my cheek and hugged me harder. I did the same.

We walked out of my room and into the kitchen, where we found Kira and Jason eating a bowl of cereal. I saw Kira turn and look up. She saw that Gale’s face was ruby red. She steeped down from her chair and walked over to her. She hugged Gale and asked her if she could ask her something. “So did he ask you?” “Yes Kira, he did.” Jason seemed to look at them as if though he was invisible. Kira walked back up to her chair and whispered something into Jason’s ear. I knew it was about Gale and me. Jason smiled and continued to eat. We sat down and talked for a bit. After Jason and Kira got done eating their cereal, we got into the car and drove to the local park. Valley of The Moon. We drove down there and Jason and Kira ran out of the car to the space shuttle that is there. Gale and I walked up to a bench and sat down.