The Twelves

The Twelves:

Works For Me (Right Click Download)

When You Talk (Right Click Download)

Who Would You Rather Be?

As a tribute to the now appearing summer in Alaska, this mixtape is a good start to what should bring some more good vibes and weather! :)

(NOTE: Each track link goes to a respective blog that includes the track if you would like to download it)

1) DJ Shadow - You Made It (feat. Chris James)
2) Of Montreal - So Begins Our Alabee
3) Penguin Prison - Something I'm Not (BretonLABS Remix)
4) Pretty & Nice - Nuts & Bolts
5) Metric - Gimme Sympathy
6) Hot Chip - One Pure Thought
7) Deerhunter - Rainwater Cassette Exchange
8) Passion Pit - To Kingdom Come
9) Junior Boys - Count Souvenirs
10) Los Campesinos! - Miserabilia
11) Just Jack - Glory Days
12) The Crash - Pony Ride
13) Matt & Kim - Good Ol' Fashioned Nightmares
14) Japandroids - The Boys Are Leaving Town
15) MGMT - Weekend Wars
16) Los Campesinos! - Documented Minor Emotional Breakdown #1
17) Coconut Records - West Coast

We Are Fully Operational

I've decided to revive the pulse of the blog with a fresh new look, etc al.

The main idea of whats going to be posted?

-Music Reviews
-Brief Personal Updates
-Work Related Updates
-Movie Reviews
-TV Show Reviews
-Poetry/Writings

Check back soon, i'm gonna try to re-sync Twitterfeed up to here and get it operational to full standards.

There is no more need to be pessemistic any longer in my life, so i've deleted a bunch of older posts, but left the more important ones.

Enjoy.

-Jared

#FollowFriday

So, my list of people for #FollowFriday are as follow:

First and foremost, this is a special shoutout two my besties on Twitter

@PostGay & @angryfaggot
These two have been following me since i started my account in late september-ish, and have been there since and made me really want to keep my account.

-Favorites;
@Tazz602
@gregs
@w00dRabbit
@mario_nyc
@Isak (he is a rather awesome guy, very sexual with LOTS of #NSFW material)
@Billy3G (him and @Isak are like my 2nd favorite besties =D)
@notfarfromcrazy
@OhMyBlogItsJoey
@devilishdelish
@acidrefluxweb
@queercincinnati
@bromancedating
@jst_chris
@BadEvan>(he's a total jerkface but i love him)
@jddalton
@GGGKeri (she's such a doll face... =D thats right! i said it!)
@GlobalGuysGear
@geekjames
@NiteStar
@DanielJUK
@Fisher6225
@madartista
@rjdennis
@bsandusky (a.k.a. La'Brett)
@a1topnotch
@jbritto
@Airrun
@StuartEvan (and his big frakkin' bag)
@sexydeadstar (andrew..you are still beautiful with all the scars) & @BurbankBoy
@MatthewMonroe
@Bryan_Viper
@xxscott05xx
@rodrigdb
@FrogBoy229
@Plaintruthines
@RisenAbove
@CDX
@iCab
@quixoticblazes (hes a total smart and cute guy)
@brooding_soul
@jholman23
@inebriation (mikey <3)
@withlove87
@MisterDude
@hygienestudent(why aren't you dead yet?)
@VonIrrwegen
@Peyta (total outspoken individual. love him)
@SMMpharmd & @artemisrex (they both deliver some of the best #hashtags i've seen)
@josephchristian (for being a great guy and enjoying the music i listen to as well. #LNA)
@texasnate
@marris19
@Jams727
@jstar27 (jennifer knows how to bring a smile to my face)
@jrwasu (because he stalks @ntinaz and his boyfriend)
@RAPEY
@Dickiemaxx
@jayd
@nelsonsito
@PierrePenguin(@PostGay's amazing sidekick)
@JuicyStory (great ideas/ideals he has)
@aja175 & @buffawhat
@rbflygal (because shes the only straight girl that actually talks to me)
@phillip0215
@chips99
@dmitriy_usher
@XavierMathews
@LinuxWeather
@DistrictOfAris
@AddiQtion
@mnrmg
@JSpikEThing
@_santi
@MarkRosenbauer
@jgmaty99
@madonnamike
@JesterTunes
@KCL1976 (he made me...cause i really do <3 him enough :D)
@DrivenIdealist
@tboneps
@YoScottie
@SkaPunkPezzy
@flyingdigit
@izka2
@CJHatter
@ItzJeffy
@CiscoLaRisco
@boogdog
@heartstarbolt
@Mike12329
@kjsmith87(cause he's cute)
@AnKuAlGa
@volcompunk (why did you ever have to leave alaska?)
@DanielMiller89
@xSOVx
@clipperkid747 (he didnt force me like @KCL1976 so he gets extra props)
@NewroticAngel
@jaysteruk
@rjw8888
@PeterJWestwick
@HeathCastor
@websitejeff
@MisterKevin
@drable
@wowo72
@apmckeown
@InsidePorn
@HSMikeHancock
@msheaff
@GonzoGuy_Austin
@MichaelBKK
@TmexII
@RockWithU
@jimyvr
@RJDanvers
@FozzieBear (im his stalker)
@Freeballer30
@jaredhaha
@joelheitmar
@kirkfontenot & @sleepyhead026
@waynemarkle
@KairuIshimaru
@spurofmoment
@Topher2882
@truskowski
@MontMaxton
@toddschoonover
@chrisgeidner
@timjheim
@eKerm
@photokunstler
@closetguy

-LGBT Rights:
@BILLinBCNBILLinBCN
@nathanOUTloud
@btmenwbtmenw
@NoOnProp8
@ntinaz
@gayatheist
@ranggrol
@gaycom
@gaysdotcom
@MANHUNTnet
@CourageCampaign
@jaysays
@davidbadash
@idahochallenge
@boogdog(because he's absolutely fabulous and beautiful!)

-Locals:
@BigDaveGrizzly
@mitchkitter
@akmattb
@kael_ak
@KWHL1065
@SnowCityCafe
@assjb4
@IgniteAnchorage
@AlaskaTweets
@AnniePants
@yourshade
@degrizzlybear
@Miss_Tepp
@sammsho
@AsH_Lizzle

NOH8

Modern Conversation/Socialism

So I attempted to write this post, and never did, and sent it to the Blog on accident, so it came up blank on everyone's Blog roll and on my Twitterfeed.

But I'm gonna attempt to re-write and re-establish the flow and ideals of what I was going to write.

The base ideal about what this post was to be about is how modern conversations and grammer, etc have gone downhill from the start of time.
Its kinda interesting how we as humans socialize and internet in a multitude of ways, in person, online, letters, sign language, and symbols. But at the same time, it seems the entire establishment of it all has gone down hill. How? We seem to abbreviate/shorten our words into shorter sentences and attempt to make a point in less and less words and detail, which is a bad thing, because it leaves out a large amount of the detail of the conversation or topic.

The reason I wanted to post this is because while I'm at work, I monitor that gay.com chat room, and it makes me laugh yet feel kinda immoral to laugh, due to the fact that people will sign-in to the website and enter the chat room, and initiate a conversation with people they know online, and may or may NOT know in real life, its interesting how they seem to just delve into what they are doing so openly with multiple people reading what they are doing. Seems like a bit of an invasion of privacy or even a glimpse into a private life you may or may not want to know about. A lot of networking websites seem to make me feel this way, of course it is more of a choice to do these, because we as humans feel the need for social contact. Other sites, including Myspace.com Facebook.com and Twitter.com seem to really allow an open ended conversation with people we know, and we can of course connect with old friends, family, etc. But what about with new people? Like people we don't know? Is that an invasion of privacy that we are allowing or just something we don't even realize? We are letting people know exactly what we are doing and where we are. It makes it seem a lot easier for someone to commit a crime or something else upon someone.

But its just really interesting in context as to why we allow ourselves to be so open about this and not care to notice, because we get social when someone talks to us that we let our guard down. I don't know where I'm really going with this, but I'll try to work some more out of this post, it seems harder attempting to post a post that I'm not in the same moment that I wanted to post it.

But on the same note I want to touch base on how we seem to shorten and use improper grammer now. We tend to not use good grammer, not that we don't use grammer in a proper way, I mean that we tend to either say a word multiple times. And expample? "and I was like...and she was like..." I noticed that I say "like" a lot in my conversations in public, and that we also seem to abbreviate our words, especially in the web 2.0 frontier. We use lol, brb, jk, etc. To shorten our conversations and establish a comical base on the topic. I've noticed that we don't use large words also, in the sense of using a thesaurus for, using synonyms instead of using such over used words.

It seems harder and harder to find people who speak with justice and poetic values, and know how to speak what they want in a way that can open new doors to people, but we choose to use such bland and retorical words that are so overly used.

I feel I'm loosing track with this post, so I'm going to wrap it up right now.

This is the worst post to date I think I've written. I am going to not do a repost of a post that I forgot to do...it tends to be tedious to recall the information.

Have a good night guys and girls!

Thanks for your constant support and reading the Blog, it makes me smile knowing that others understand what I'm trying to say.

-Dr. Jared Michael. Sent with care from my BlackBerry®

What's The Purpose & Drive Of Life?

Earlier today me and my co workers had a very in depth almost 2 hour long existential conversation.

But also, I wanted to state that I have fully moved out of my house. :]

Now, after this move, i've felt good yet uncomfortably awkward. I feel like something is missing, as if though i'm missing that drive and ambition of purpose.

Now, I felt like attempting to blog my views. So this will be rather interesting

I want to know....what is the purpose and drive to bring human. To break that down, why are we here on this planet. What is the driving force that makes us go forward and continue to delve into our daily activities, or commit crimes, etc.
What's the reasoning.
What's the ambition on sort. I've always been the kind of person who personally doesn't express my views on life, death, politics, religion, and "taboo" subjects, because of course i'm afraid my opinion on the matter will offend people.
I'm the kind of person who dwells on the negative aspects on a situation, and continues to always think "what if", or "how could I have done that better". I also seem to keep these negative idea around me, and always let them get me down for no reason. I let them eat me alive

I try my best to change this aspect, because its good try bad. I'm too empathetic and remorseful of past mistakes, and when they are brought up, I seem to get moody and dejected. Its weird. I feel like it was a mistake I'll never live down.

I don't know really what my purpose or drive is, and still have yet to even understand it. I said earlier while talking with my co workers, "we can't really say we fully know what our drive/purpose is until we are on our death bed, because that's the point in our life when we are able to finally look back fully and see what we have done in life. It allows us to look back and be like.....that's what made me do what I did."

Of course love is a major motivator in drive and purpose, but that's always been like the glue to the art. Its what keeps everything together practically.
Its like, it just always will be there no matter what, even in our darkest times, its that shining light, and its also our guide.

Another thing I would have to say is family? Potentially that's an iffy thing, because we as humans come from many different homes and lifestyles that change our perspectives on everything. I personally come from a home that is and has always been in chaos and rage, yet intertwined with passion and love. Its a sickening combination in my eyes. But everything must be equaled out with good and bad right? Ying and yang?

Its a funny thing, cause leaving that house makes me feel good that i've finally escaped the negativity that I dwelled on, but it also makes me feel i'm missing the equal balance of good and bad, like i'm having the good by escaping, but also at the same time, I seem to be missing something, something tangible.

I feel like since with my family that, leaving has allowed me to move onward. But at the same time I feel like that missing piece is chaos. I feel like i've lost that driving force......

(unfortunately, I can't go further with this post. It's to much to wrap my head around. Sorry people. I just can't do it)

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

A Breakthrough: Video of HIV Infecting Uninfected Cells

Scientists have made a breakthrough in understanding how HIV spreads through the human body after filming the process for the first time ever.


By Murray Wardrop
Last Updated: 8:46AM GMT 27 Mar 2009



Researchers found that the virus is transferred from infected cells to healthy ones in a previously unknown way.


It is hoped that the discovery will help researchers create a vaccine to combat the virus, which has led to the deaths of more than 25 million people.


The study was made possible after experts created a molecular clone of infectious HIV and inserted a protein into its genetic code which glows green when exposed to blue light.


This allowed scientists to see the cells on digital video, and capture the way HIV-infected T-cells interact with uninfected ones.


They noted that when an infected cell came into contact with a healthy one, a bridge was created between them, called a virological synapse.


Researchers were then able to observe the fluorescent green viral particles moving towards the synapse and into the healthy cell.


The US study has broken new ground by revealing that it is the synapse through which the viral proteins are gathered and moved into uninfected cells.


The team, comprising scientists from UC Davis university in California, and Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York, believe that this knowledge could help create new treatments for HIV and Aids.


Study author Dr Thomas Huser, chief scientist at the UC Davis Center for Biophotonics Science and Technology, said: "Our findings may explain why attempts to develop an HIV vaccine have so far been unsuccessful.


"The more we know about this mode of transfer, the better chance we have of figuring out how to block it and the spread of HIV and Aids.
"

For decades it was believed that HIV was mostly spread around the body through freely circulating particles, which attach themselves to a cell, take over its replication machinery and make multiple copies of themselves.


In 2004, scientists discovered that cell-to-cell transfer of HIV also occurred via virological synapses, but it was not understood why the process was so effective in spreading the virus.


Due to this, previous efforts to create an HIV vaccine have focused on priming the immune system to recognise and attack proteins of free-circulating virus.


The new video footage indicates that HIV avoids recognition by being directly transferred between cells.


Dr Huser said: "We should be developing vaccines that help the immune system recognise proteins involved in virological synapse formation and antiviral drugs that target the factors required for synapse formation.
"

Co-author Benjamin Chen, assistant professor of medicine and infectious diseases at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine, added: "Direct T-cell-to-T-cell transfer through a virological synapse is a highly efficient avenue of HIV infection, and it could be the predominant mode of dissemination.
"

Further research intends to discover what happens to viral particles once they are transferred into a newly infected cell.


The study's finding are published in the journal Science.


(The Original Article can be found here)

A War With Angels & Ghosts Not Guns & Bombs.

I don't know why this happened, but this weekend i've felt I want to go to church.

Like actually sit through an entire service for just one time.

To delve deeper, its been almost 5 years since i've been to church, and by saying "been to church" I mean actually sitting through a service/sermon.
I've of course been inside of a church once in the last 5 years, to do a photography shoot, which was the most fun i've had in a while. I really grasped the meaning and power of photography and what religion is.

To go into my religious views, is opening a can of worms that can potentially hurt me and others. Of course i'm rather open about my views and my religious standpoint, so I'll state it now.

I follow and practice the teachings of Buddhism. Of course a lot of the views are very hard to keep up with because we are all guilty of performing them. But hey, we're only human right?

But my views are very "mixed" with different aspects and ideals from other religions, because i've grown up in many different religious households.

Mainly being, Christian/catholic. I also lived with family that was Lutheran.

Of course my religious views have changed over the last 19 years. Going from Christian to Catholicism, then to Luthernism, moving onto being agnostic, then dabbling in wiccan, and finally falling smack dab into Buddhism.

To really explain how that hot mess of a mixture of views came about, I'll explain.

I was born and raised in a Christian family, my mother being agnostic, my father Roman catholic, and his family mainly a mix of Christian and catholic. For about 15 years I was raised on the value of going to church each Sunday morning, and if we missed that service, we'd go on Monday. Now, being young I didn't fully grasp what the meaning of it all was, it was just a place we went. I knew a lot of the prayers and hymns pretty well, and liked the way the words were wrote. It was poetry to my young mind.
Of course, I was raised in that environment, so it was just habit. I never did prayers before bed, only when I really wanted something good, kinda like wishing on that shooting star ideal.

Childrens views always make me giggle knowing we have all done so.

But I was raised in that environment, and enjoyed it I guess. Of course being around 10 I noticed I started looking at boys very "funny". And hearing a lot from the grownups/adults, having such thoughts were very bad and not good for me. Of course I kept my mouth shut.
15 years I lived that life, and never understood it. It still feels odd to look back, and judge how I was, and how people act now in religion.

Why should we allow religion to standardize us as people, and make our personal views be based off a philosophy that has been around for ages and has been manipulated and torn apart multiple times and re assembled back to make it more "modern".

Now i'm starting to open a can of worms. Oh well. I think I can, seeing how this is my blog? Right?

Oh fucking well. Suck it. :)

Back to my story.

After being raised in a Christian home/environment, I was moved with other family members (my father abandoned me and my brothers and we got seperated to live with other family members). They were not Christian. They were Lutheran.

Now l personally didn't grasp the religion at all, cause it seemed the same, so I just blew it off. They put us in catacism (sic) classes, which was even more weird, because it was like a recap on the creation, etc. So whatever. I also "cheated" on our quizes our pastor have us. We had to learn verses, so I wrote the first letter of each word down and memorized the words and placed a word to a single letter.
Kinda a sneaky way to do it. Improved my memorization skills magically.

But I never fully grasped or delved into their religious views.

After we moved to Alaska in June of 2004, making it almost 5 years now, I was basically given the choice of freedom of choice.
Confusing?

Let me attempt to explain. I came here expecting my mother to be religious, and everything to be just like back home in Wisconsin. Boy was I wrong.
The atmosphere and ideals of this town was a total culture shock to me. It was weird adjusting to such new things. I of course was stil very involved with going to church, and asked my mom if I could get a ride to church and if there were churches here.

Of course I dropped that quickly. I suddenly felt free when I came to Alaska, as if though I wasn't being pressured and being upheld to responsibilities of maintaining my religious views established by my family. I was able to destroy myself and rebuild into a person, instead of being a force fed specimen that was told what to do, and did what I was told.

Of course I started to really collect myself together on what I believed, and what really made me think of how we are here.

I fully understood after a while. There isn't a god. But something obviously out there that has powers over what we do, etc.
Not male or female, just a being. Or a force. Something there but really not.

I of course at the same time was intrigued by the views of witchcraft and wiccan. So I dabbled in that, and really enjoyed the views. Its not black magic also. Its just embracing who you are and respecting nature and yourself.

Oh and I just realized. I also studied satanicism ...err I think it's called satanism? Fuck it. I owned the Satanic Bible. Yes. :) call me a hypocrite, or a blasphemer. I'm young and still wanting to learn the world.

But back to my new found open ideals. I was basically handed the opportunity. Take it or leave it.

So I took it. I needed it. I was done being fed things that I personally thought to be "false" and "made up". How so? Because I always wondered. Who wrote the bible? Yeah yeah yeah. I know "supposedly" multiple people wrote it or something, but seriously. Its just a book. A fucking stack of papers bound together with string and hard covers.
Whatever. It just seemed like I was being fed information that wasn't relative to what I personally viewed as my world.

After being able to respect myself and learn about who I am, I felt that knowing something was out there but isn't primarily a masculine ideal.

Now this makes me laugh also, I wrote a poem/interactive art piece for a first Friday even back in 07 that I attempted to use at a christian homeless shelter. The kicker? I stayed clearly and bluntly that "god is not a man. For he is a she. Yes...god is a woman"

Now, that got me in a pickle, I had to cut the piece, and it made me mad, but of course I had to be conservative about their establishments views and morals.

But back now, I finally was able to cope with myself and feel expressive. It also helped me realize being gay isn't a bad thing, its actually the most liberating thing. It makes you respect who you are and what you are doing.

Now, I found the religion of Buddhism while on my stay at the same organization that I almost preached god was a woman. Shit you not. Its fucking hilarious.
But one of the staff workers knew about Buddhism, and listened to my life views and told me about Buddhism, and said that it fits me more than anything.

So he lent me a book, which I still have somewhere, in which its a different type of Buddhism, its based on 5 precepts.

Now these are hard to follow of course, but i've done my best.

Okay, now back to now. I think that's a reasonable amount of my religious views and history

But the reason i'm posting this is cause lately I feel like i'm still raging a war against my religious views. Like I said earlier, i've been wanting to go to church. No reason as to why I want to, I just feel I want to see what I used to do as a child, and see how much my views have changed to really respect the views of another man/woman.

Ugh. I just feel like i'm battling myself, and that my choice of religious views is of course correct, but also at the same time I feel lost in my own views. Like they are to much for me at times, and I just want to collapse and give everything up and just say fuck it.

Religon is not my strongpoint, and neither are politics, but my views are very diverse and rather entensive. Its hard to explain them fully, because I even get confused by my own views and feel like i've lost myself.

I just feel I want to escape. I don't know why I feel like i'm having a war either. But it's an uneasy medium of good and bad i'm feeling. I try to understand it, yet am afraid to try to understand fully.

Of course it also allows me to open myself up and allow others to poke and prod at my insides. See what makes me tick I guess.

Well i'm off. Need to sleep.

Caio.

-Dr. Jared Michael
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

My Chapter As A Homeless Youth.

This is a journal that I started during my stay at The Covenant House Alaska, an emergency shelter for runaway or homeless youth.

To explain a little on why I was here, is that the number one reason is because I did not have a place to live. Family couldn't take me in because of space issues, and in my incomplete life story, I made some choices that barred me from staying with family.

So my final option was to go to this shelter.

Here is my chapter from staying there.

Dated 1-28-2008

***NOTE***

I am only placing this and another key part to this journal in here, there is too much information to type, and hopefully sooner than later I will post the whole journal.

But for now, here is what I feel like sharing! Enjoi! :)

1-28-2008 COVENANT HOUSE (Day 1 - Chapel)

Why am I crying? Life is coming at me too fast, I don't want to end it either, I want to make it right. I want to be on that last train home. I'm so scared about being here, but I know I shouldn't, cause I know i'm safe but at the same time I still feel alone, even knowing Eric is one call away, I miss him now, as if though i'm worlds apart. I hate these feelings. I just want my life to be better and I know I'll probably get help from these guys.

Reed is a good guy, he's cool, but overall he's a good guy. The dude that looks like clif makes me smile and know that somethings work out when we put ourselves to the test. He told me i'm pretty stable for doing this, I mean coming out so soon had being 18 and dealing with drama and jowing my mom is going to be living in her van possibly, he's great, I mean he kinda showed me in a sense, how caring people I've NEVER met can be. I KNOW I can make my life better, if I put myself to the test and push forward in my life and continue to strive towards my goals. I know I,m gonna need to get my ass into gear, and get shit going. I mean, their helping me in ways I wasn't putting my full potential too! They're helping me with my life, and the nurse lady is helping me by sending in an STD test, I know i'm clean, but I need to check. I also have been looking into a dermitologist for me, which is great! I think that i'm realizing that people I've never met can help me with my life, but all they want in return is to see ME complete it. They're sort of just my stepping stone in the pond.

I know I shouldn't have just broken down, but I couldn't hold it back, it was just eating at me more and more. It hurts for me to be this way and I know it probably hurts them to see someone so young in such a bad situation. I know i'm gonna try to make my life more better each day, and try to keep in contact with mom and everyone, and Eric. I'm gonna try to push myself to get better and to be more stable and stronger in my life, no more letting me have my emotions take over. I need to feel in complete control over all of my emotions, have control over my life, not my life having control over me. I want to write my own future and forget the past.

I am going to strive to be a better person, and take back MY life. No more mr. Fucking nice guy world. Here comes Jared Michael Krapfl. And i'm coming back with avengeance! Now i'm feeling a little better, i'm getting ready for bed, which doesn't seem odd. I mean I feel safe for now. It smells a little funny though =P
But the view from this room is beautiful, I can see town square! The ice sculptures are all lit up, and there's a light snow flurry, not strong, it looks like something out of a movie. I kinda peeked my head out of the window and had to take a look. The breeze on my face cooled down the burning sensation from my years. Which still kinda burn a little. I can still feel the stinging on my temples. Chris is the name of the guy who looks like clif. I also made a friend my first day! Well I actually made a few. I met "Frog" as she tells me to call her, she's a pretty cool girl, the other kids are pretty calm to. Tomorrow i'm getting up at 6, i'm gonna eat some breakfast and call mom and Eric. Then i'm gonna go over to the kaladi brothers and apply, the attend JDP (job development program) and find a job. Maybe get a little help with that situation. I haven't met my roomate yet either. I hear he's crazy...

1-29-2008
2nd Day @ Covenant

So about right now its like oh roughly 5:42am in the morning, I didn't sleep that well, I was in and out of it, having dreams that ranged from violence to joy pepain and pleasure. I don't remember them in particular, but I know what they were, dreams are such a funny thing. Its just the body's mind sorting out everything, memories, thoughts, etc. And its just sorting them out, filing them away. It's sort of like we're just watching a movie, but the projectionist is having to find the right movie reel. I feel better, but still everything is just starting so fast. And I just want to make it slow down. So I can see what I can do to help. Today I get to find out who my case manager is, i'm hoping its either chris or Reed. I've been watching the lights in town square all night, just watching them, I can't really are the ice set cause the tree's but the lights are some what drawing me in to them, making me feel better inside. Now its time to go downstairs. Got up at 6.
Doesn't seem like 6 sleesdy. Its still dark outside, but my stomach is a rumblin, and i'm ready for some grub!

I put my stuff away into the locker in my room, which the locked is marked with the number 2. The name of the room I don't know yet, but I will look at it when I leave for downstairs. I picked up a copy of the yahoo! Hotjobs paper and was unsuccessful, most of those jobs I guess seemed to be office, clerical or out of town and they all required 2+ years of experience. Not me! I'll go on the Alexsys system later and find someone probably especially since i'm downtown. I finished this book called "Shotgun Opera" and wow, that was a GREAT book, it was amazingly intense, i've only been reading it since yesterday too, which is good timing, it was of course a good read, but I don't know what i'm gonna do next. I'm still tired as hell, and my eyes feel and look like i'm atoned, but i'm not, I think it was something on the pillow case, maybe I got an allergic reaction to something? Whatever it is, I know its going away, last night I couldn't sleep cause my eyes burned from crying. I feel like I should be in hand and ankle shakles for some reason, I just feel boxed in too, but I don't at the same time, I guess its just having to follow rules and being watched by camera, is what makes me feel like i'm in shackels. Maybe i'm just bring insecure. I don't know i'm trying to keep my distance from everyone. I don't know why, but I feel like i'm out of place here, cause everyone seems to act all big and bad here.

***This is the end of the journal for now.....I am inserting a final entry after this point***

this is originally writen in my journal, and i feel the need to share it with others to see if they understand me more now. possibly? or maybe youll just think im more psychotic than i already am.

<Dated>
5-12-08

ive finally realized im a victim of conforming conflicts. i dont know why, butim realizinga lot of things, like the little things, that people overlook.i mean when i was in the shower, i was thinking of how much i realize thing like reality wise. like i actualy think of how something affects someone at any moment, a mistake or a good deed. anything we do can make a great outcome to someone. its strange how each day, we lie to everyone, even OURSELVES!

most people dont think of it, i mean every time we smile and shake hands, and say oh yeah, im doing great or oh my days kinda bad blah blah blah. were lying ALL THE TIME!

the truth is that we are just covering up our truths with lies to make everything seem okay to everyone else or try to get sympathy.whatever the choice is, its all just a lie. when we go to sleep, we overlook our day, yet always forget the tragedy or bad. we try to look at the bright side to not feel depressed. but the truth is this, that we are living a life of complete lies.i cant sleep now, i feel so odd and out of sync with the world now. i mean, i feel like im the only one whos on this specific level of thought process, even though people will say that they are at the same place. i mean its strange how we lie. we say one thing to cover up the truth, but refuse to let the truth out, cause we feel someone might think of us differently. being insane so to speak.maybe its just that ive conjured up a thought process that collaberates my cognative thinking and thought process of life to a greater standard that boggles even me? maybe its because when i smoked pot, i thought to much about life? maybe? but i dont think that thinking while under the influence is bad? maybe its good for us? i mean i feel alone cause i think so highly and differently of life. it is strange how we as people cringe in fear at things and say were gonna live life to the fullest, when in fact we dont!

i feel myself concluding this but i dont want to, cause i feel like i might be onto something that might help me figure this out more. maybe im just always paranoid and thinking to much? hmmm. im confused now.

after this point, i stopped writing and watched a movie called THE NINES. here is the journal afterwards from watching that movie.
p.s. look for the NINES

im so numb to the fact about everything now, i feel absolutely confused, estranged and to the utmost extent absolute. after watching this strange movie THE NINES, ive realized a lot but i cant seem to express if i just suddenly feel like i finally understnad what adriana was trying to tell me, just about oh ten minutes ago, i was looking at myself in the mirror, and i felt numb. like absolutely numb. i could feel everything, but it felt so routine like my life feels like its so planned out, and im just following it out. but this may be a bump in the road or a missing page in the book. ithink i need tro talk to reed tomorrow about this, i made a wrist band. blue.i have no idea or recolection why i made it either, and i am for some strange reeason feeling like this is not me even writing this. ive had (this part is unreadable even to me)

but just now, even i looked backwards at my writing, it feels and makes me wonder what is wrong...or maybe this is just what i need in my life? a new comprehensive complex rebuilding of my life.the street lights just danced also.it seems so funy how we rule our lives all tgether by one person and also at the same time. NUMBERS.

the streets signs blink at a rate of numerical calculations, we as humans and our hearts beat is NUMERICAL beats. and timing.STRANGE?

what is my number in life?

***-**-3453?

a number that is my life?

i choose this one now..

XIII

13

i am 13, jared michael krapfl.
born June 15th, 1989

Now here is another thing that i didnt know i wrote. a letter to myself.

Dear Jared,i think your going insane, i believe you with all your philisophical ideas, etc, but this is considered unnatural in societies eyes, and its gonna make you end up in a bad place.when you read this, try not to think to hard about when you wrote this, you are completely bling to society, and yes.you are listening to violent j - wizard of the hood.thanks for listening! yourself,

(signed jared michael krapfl)

FIN

its strange, this day, this morning to be exact./

when i wrote this first part of m new blog,/

it was strange to write it, to even read my own words./

when i looked outside and was overviewing the outside/

everything seemed different/

less routine, less same shit different day style of life/

i felt like inducing myself to vomit for some reason/

i dont know why though, it was strange/

i mean i realized and woke up feeling the same as i did when i went to bed/

confused and more awake to the reality of life/

i still feel that way, but everything seems different/

less routine/more sporatic/

i feel so free now for some reason/like ive broken off from the simple mold of everyday lifestyles that compel us to be one/

strange things are happening to me/

and i joyfully accept them now/

you may think im going insane probably/

but i think that im just opening new doors to a better horizon/

FIN/

i think ive figured it out...well a small portion of it anyways.the reason why i had those thoughts, is cause of sleep deprivation....well actually its not a total case of SD, but its a mild form,i realized it last night when i was up at 130 something or around that in the morning in bed trying to sleep.
my body was telling me to go to sleep,but my mind was like....WAKE THE FUCK UP!
and then the thoughts came.everything...again and again.i dont know why it seems to be like that, but i didnt feel tired, i felt awake. like my body was tired, but my mind was on overdrive.its strange.well i guess maybe im finding out more about it, or its just my mind is to overworked?
hmm...im gonna get back to my buddhism reading now....

FIN./

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

The Unquestionable Truth of What Is Real and What Is Not...This Is Me.

So this little piece, is a personal work, that I documented a spell of my depression over the span of a day. It helped me recover fairly quickly.
This happened at school nonetheless.

Dated: November 24th 2006

(Again, thanks to @RJDennis via Twitter for the idea to post these!)

<The Photo's included are a preview of how long and what the original looked like>

The Unquestionable Truth of What is Real and What Is Not...This Is Me.

What is true life? What's love? Why do I feel this, this urge and sense that my entire body is just a cold shell? I feel empty all of a sudden, for no reason! I feel a void that seems like its infinite and it'll never be able to be filled, everyone around me are falling in love, not i/this may be the problem? I haven't felt this way before, I mean I've had depression, and I hated that feeling, I felt as if though my entire life had no true purpose of sole existence of any means. I felt "empty" but not the way I do now, this feeling is greater and far more powerful than that time. Maybe it is because I don't have a girlfriend, maybe it is because i'm not in a relationship, or maybe its because I don't spend enough time/get rough time to spend with all my closest friends. First off all the people I hold dear and close to me, I would feel empty if I lost them. All of them: clif, Sarah, Shannon, Sarah B., Jeff, Josh, Lance, Darci and other. I would break down and probably never be able to recover. All those people are the ones who have made my life go to this exact place and time.

I wonder what they think of me? A friend, just some random person with an obsession over them or do they really accept me, listen to me for who I am, give me input, try to help and would be there if I got in an accident or died? How do I know? My entire life is spuning a downward spiral, to where? I can't tell or even guess where. My 3 (almost) years of being up here have been great! I've met people I'd never think I'd meet. I've done things I've never done or planned on doing! Jesus Christ! I've done things I shouldn't have at the same time, but all those/these choices that I've made are part of what I'd have never done, and gotten myself this far! 1 year of trying alcohol, that same year, the first time I got atoned. 2nd and 3rd year, talking to my family in the lower 48! I laugh and try at the same time I fear what might come out of all this after they find out all these "hidden secrets" of mine. During the 2nd year was my period of depression, I wanted/felt the need to die, but I knew that if I did that it would bring pain and other catatrophies to my family. Before I even moved up here I was angry one day and grazed my wrists with scissors and had marks. I wore long sleeve shirts for a week!

I felt as if though I had committed adultry against god! I felt horrible and cried myself to sleep. Then this year, I scream at my mother! My own mom! I felt like I deserved to be thrown into the deepest darkest hole and be tortured. The next day she forgave me after I asked her to forgive me. The entire summe I had to deal with a good friend, but he pissed me off a lot, with his friends and other "things". He would always ask me if I had weed, if I wanted to ALWAYS smoke, then smoke another, right after that! He was sort of on my shitlist, I had a grudge against him, but I let it go most of the time. He moved out. Didn't hear from him for a LONG time, then he came to get his stuff, then I saw him when I was playing pool at Minnesota Billiards! He looked a lot better than the last time I saw him, and I felt like he was a friend again, like the first time I met him.

There's tons of things I can write here about my experience and angers, and that's just snot what i'm going to do.

What this is, if anyone ever reads this, this isn't a journal, this is something new, not a biography, etc.
This is just what is me. This is me, Jared Krapfl, me, my life, my experiences. The hardships and feelings, thoughts and other shit that is ripping boundaries in my world. The next thing. Since I've gotten out my sudden feeling of sadness, but it comes/came back when I just thought about my friends, I feel like crying at every moment, but crying never solves anything in life, neither does taking my anger out on anything. There is no truly exclusive way for me to express my feelings, I've told them to my friends, they've listened but it still doesn't help.

I don't know any way I could get all this rage, emotions, sadness, dear, and everything else out! I want a clean slate! I don't want a counselor, I don't care how much they say it's easier for a person to talk to a total stranger, fuck that! Your telling all your personal problems, etc. To this person! If I could sit down with a few people in one pom and try to express and attempt to release all these feelings and personal demons, I would choose: clif, Jeff, and my sister Megan and Darci.

My life is becoming more "complex"...I've been having very [grotesque thoughts]: my "mind"/conscience/"complex" keeps "showing" me things that don't seem real anymore, like my reflection or even looking at a person, every aspect of them seems contorted, then perfectly normal, if i'm with a friend, nothing happens. Is this the long-term psychological effects of my use of marijuana? Or am I just going crazy?

I've tried to explain this "syndrome" to people/friends, but they say i'm weird and I make no sense. It scares me even now, after almost 4 months of sobriety! I've made a large mistake by saying that, but I need to get it off my chest. I made a pact to Jeff that my birthday would be my last day of smoking pot, but I failed and I feel I need to let him know. Which I know he will, because i'm making a copy of this for him and a few others, I just pray to god or any other higher brings out there, to please not allow him to disown or disrespect me. I'm sorry...

My thoughts I've been having make me fear, they are "telling" me that I should second guess whether or not this is all real. Is this all i'm going to do for the rest of my life? Do the same scheduled things each day? I'd rather have each day be spontaneous and random, things I'd never expect to happen would appear, its a drawback to. At the same time my entire life seems/seemed half-full, when I wrote 2 letters to 2 of my best friends, people who I care about so much: clif and Jeff. Inside these letters where words of emense kindness and care from a place I never knew I had in me.
Clife told me, that it was the nicest thing anyone has ever "told" him. I told him its cause its true. I've gone through a bunch of shit with him also, I've gotten drunk and almsot died of alcohol poisoning. He and I felt like shit. He never came back for half a year. On my 16th birthday, he was there. On my 17th birthday, he was there. Christmas, thanksgiving. He was there. I've become "attached" to him, and every day I don't/didn't get to see him, I felt like life would end, I never got to say goodbye. This is the same way I feel when I see everyone else, I want to find them, even if it's just to say good-bye, it makes me feel good.

I've gotten almost all my problems on paper, and I feel more "light". Meaning I feel like I've said almost enough to feel "normal". Completion is something I've always wanted, to feel complete, meaning I want to be able to express myself, do all those things I said in the begining, to make myself happy, but at the same time I'll probably distance myself from my friends. I wonder what my friends thing when they know i'm there but I don't stalk them. I wan't to know if they care for me, I want them to stay in touch with me other than phone and email. I want....a creation of everything new in my life. I want to know if people judge me due to rumors or if they judge me by what I wear, I don't give a fuck about fashion anymore, I'd rather wear something no one else wants to wear, than rather be part of a stereotypical, fully automatic, moving assembly line of look-a-like imitations who need to go with the trend! I wanna break the mold! But at the same time i'm scared. I'm scared that all my friends who see me do that may think differently of me.

This last thing is something I think is important for me to express:

I'M GLAD TO BE ALIVE, WITH ALL THE FRIENDS, FAMILY I'VE GOT/MADE.

Thank you to all and hopes of your dreams become true & that you accepted me as a friend/or a close friend

<signed>
Jared Michael Krapfl
November 24th 2006


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

The Journal Of Jared Krapfl (With. Missing Subnotes)

This was originally a Creative Writing class assignment for high school, we had to do a memoir of ourselves so to speak, originally I only gave my teacher a portion of it, without the subnotes, due to the actualt overlook of what may have caused it.

This also is a little insight into my drug abuse of Marijuana. Yes, I did do drugs. :p and I admit that openly. But here goes! The subnotes will be set up like the following: (*subnote)

A Special Thanks To @RJDennis via Twitter for giving me the idea to post this.

Originally Wrote: October 24th, 2006

**Journal of Jared Krapfl**

Journal Entry Date: October 24, 2006

To This Wonderous book of carefully cut to precise fit papers.

The world all around me is distilling itself into a series of unspeakable tongues and forgeign literatures! I've tried to collect and analytze the facts and fiction that we are force-fed each day, but my toiling agony creeps up and eatroya all my further research. Its been two (2) years since the day that my mind had been corrupted (*Corrupted: the use of marijuana, which was an interesting time of use, it was hard to cope with it and letting my friends know about it, because I didn't know what to expect. I haven't told my family in wisconsin, so it will shock them, but when I told Jeff about it, he seemed real cool with it. Its just he was concerned with me possibly being to addicted to it, but it never got that bad and I've quite and made my pact due with him, which i'm glad, cause i'm treated like a person of normal respect when i'm around him.)
And it pains me to think of this world as just fictional fantasy land of joy and bliss...or is it that we are just living out an she's old scripture? Back a month ago, I blacked out in the middle of a store (!) in public, and at the time that I blacked out, my mind seemed to be colliding with the harsh realities of a reality not meant for our eyes and minds to see and that of some other unbelievable fantasy land (so to speak)...

After that day my mind has not worked very properly (*explained below further, but the sensations of being high were phenominal but at most times they aremeed very frightening and I wondered why I pulled myself into such a bad place.) or it might be infact that it is working properly it is just that I have unlocked more than meets the eye in my mind (?)...might I be going insane? People all around me seemed to stay the same, but the way that I perceive things as a true part of reality, sometime go off balance (*nothing seemed real or to be more precise everything felt like the complete grasp of an object seemed allmost in vein for me to think of it as real. Things seemed strange and at times they felt as if though I didn't belong or that my eyes and sight were playing trucks on me. I still know not what went on...) and I tend to think to metaphorical and grotesque thoughts flash across the mind....grotesque thoughts of what this world really is supposed to be like or if it's just that we are all not really here, and that we are just feeling things the way that we are programmed to sense them as (real)...I still haven't found the answer to my aching question which haunts me in my dreams.

Just two nights ago, after waking from a hellish sort of nightmare/dream, I awoke to what felt like the actual presence of my friend, (*The actual presence: when I say that I could sense the ACTUAL presence, I wasn't kidding at all, it felt as if though he was actually in my room with me, like his soul and body seemed to be there, but in a sort of spiritual presence form, which is what I felt. Its hard to explain. Part of this I belive to be is in part of the "blessing" ritual I have learned from my study of witchcraft, and it may be that my blessings may have been accepted fully from the ritual I do each night before bed....(?) this may be part of it, I don't know why, but I hopefully can get these questions of amazing proportion answered all in due time) who's who's imagery and personality (*personaility & imagery: there entire person and form as a normal person which I see each day, is what they seemed like, it was like I had the power to keep them EXACTLY the way that they deserved to be, not changed by some personaility we would want to apply, etc. They were the same as I see them, their clothes were changed, but it was them.) sifted themselves into my, let's call it a terror state and I dreamed that I saw him sometime from now (?) (*The place I saw him at seemed like it was a local Carr's <Which is a local Alaskan Grocery Store> and Walmary' but it was and has been in my dreams before, where as I've been "deeper" into the "store". Which is strange, is this a true place?) and he had a child (* he had a child, but when I looked he only had an empty stroller and a woman walked by or what looked like with him, but I don't know....) then later in that exact same time span or later, I saw him at what would be his "house". (* his house I've seen this part and him in a dream before I ever knew knew him, which I now remember, but it seemed odd.) I do not know if it was truly his house of if it was a false image, for I have never seen his home before...in the terror state, he gave me a skateboard (* it wasn't just given to me, it was sort of a gift, before this I seemed to travel on the side of an endless road with trees on the sides and forts in them, cars were scarce, but somehow my dream baclked and I remember being at his house and he's talking to me, but I couldn't understand anything he was saying. He gave me the board and after I left he was riding a spare skate in his driveway.), which I have logged myself onto the internet (a truly lovely device, but very deceptive...) and found that these images meant:
Skateboard - to see or ride a skateboard in your dream, indicates that you have the gift of making any difficult situation look easy. You carry yourself with style and great composure in the harefeat of situations. Alternatively, the dream signifies your free and fun-loving side. (which is from the site of: dreammoods.com)

The meaning of my good friend in it: to see your friends in your dream, signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to integrate these rejected part of yourself. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Additionally, this symbol foretells of happy yidungs from them and the arrival of good news. To see your childhood friend in your dream, signifies regression into your past where you had no responsibilities and things were much simpler and carefree. You may be wanting to escape the pressures and stresses of adulthood. Consider the relationship you had with this friend and the lessons that were learned. Alternatively, the childhood friend may be suggesting that you have been acting in a childish manne and you need to start acting like an adult. To dream that your best friend is dying, suggests that some aspect or quality that your best friend possess is dying with your own self. (which is courtesy of: dreammoods.com)

The majority of the terror state was intravenously powerful and when I awoke, I felt enlightened (* elightened, I felt very at peace. Like I could die that moment and feel at peace with my entire life and everyone else, it is what I believe monks call the ultimate state of tranquility or something that they try to achieve.) with myself and my friend (Jeff), (*Jeff Kohler, i'm glad that I met him, it was a weird start to meeting him, cause I emailed him and started my friendship that way, but then I started to talk with him and I've known him for almost 5 years now! He's instilled a friendship <like another friend of mine I've known for 3 years also> that I hope will never be broken, because the way I feel is as if though I am a normal part of society, and I have a person who will be there to listen to me and try to help and I'll listen to them.)
Which I have actually had happen to me once before (*this happened last year with my friend Lance Baker before he left his old place. It was a few months before, but it seemed odd to know it happened again. Each time though, certain [physical] attributes of the person stayed with me when I awoke. With each here is what was left.

Lance: the way I felt around him and the scent in the air seemed like he was actually there.

Jeff: I felt so ravished with the thought that I felt him there, I felt what I feel when I see him, his presence literally felt like it was there. It made me feel so cared for and as if though I didn't need to leave.)

I don't know what to call that period or feeling, but it is an indescribably feeling that is uncontrollably mystifying to my mind...these are some of the things that I think are keying up a possible turn of hears in my thoughts and movements in life....I just hope that I can control myself and nothing goes wrong with my mind, (hopefully it doesn't crack or something along the lines of that)...so this is good-bye for the day my good friend of papers, who conceals the. darkest secrets of a person...

<signed> Jared Michael Krapfl October 24th 2006

(*these are events, and are not to be taken as fiction. These notes are my insight on what may be going on. To repeat, these see are TRUE.)

(*FINAL NOTE: the way that this dream made me feel is that I want to share this with him, but I don't know what kind of trouble/fear (so to speak) might become instilled into him, but i'm gonna let him know. I now know that each dream I have now is going to be recorded and interpereted. Another thing that I may have to explain this that may contribute to it is, that I have stopped smoking marijuana and the begining part of this journal explains how I felt, so it may contribute to it. My study of psychology may help me get my answers to these. I will try to pry around)

So, to explain shortly on this, this was a project, but also a hopeful insight into what may have caused my nightmare.

And to also clarify, it has been roughly 2 years since I stopped smoking marijuana. :) go me!

Hope you enjoyed.

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

"Like A Fish Out Of Water"

I feel so uncomfortable all of a sudden.
I have no idea as to why, but one key co factor to it is probably my depression. Its been starting to take its claws and sinking them into my back.
To explain, I've had depression for quiet some time now, the exact time frame is unknown, it may be caused by my past abuse from my father as a child, but I know my childhood was rather adventurous and full of joy, I never experienced the overwhelming feeling of lonliness and seclusion.

But of course most children don't experience that or think its just cause they are sad I guess. Who knows, most of us can't determine the answer.

But lately, I've been doing well with keeping my depression at bay and keeping it from breaching the turbulant waters it rests in. I mean I've had a crazy fucking month. Let me tell you that. February was a month filled with tragedy, pain and a lot of bullshit and drama. Its a new month, but let's just recap.

Throughout the month, I of course had a lot riding on my shoulders, I had some bad days, as you can read in a few of my past posts. But to explain events that weren't blogged about, is because I wasn't ready to let them go.

First off, my mother. She is an amazing woman, and has done a lot. But she Has her moments where she can change from being a nice woman to a complete and utter bitch. And lately, she's been doing the latter to me. She is very straightforward about it and obviously doesn't care I have feelings. I swear, to explain what its like to be at my house is too much energy. I try to keep it secret. I have been raised in a broken home, and had too much happen in my past. But lately, I feel like i'm a ghost at home. No one acknowledges I even exist!

I basically am here only to sleep, shower and eat. The rest of the time i'm either working or out with friends. I practically am only made a human when someone needs something or is there to scream at me about something that they suspected me to do. What the hell is the point of living in a home like this when your nothing but a ghost? I hate it, this house I just a burning pot of drama and lies and deceit and thriving eloquence.

On top of that, i'm having to move by the end of the month, so i'm literally at wits end and teetering on a tight rope right now. How so? Well, I only work a part time job, and have no cash saved up, I also have to worry about WHERE i'm going to stay, and how I'll make enough money to live. To explain in one line. I live paycheck to paycheck. No joke. I'm always broke.
Recently, I just paid off my bank account, and have realized what needs to be done for me to be financially stable.
The other thing is finding WHERE i'm gonna stay. I mean a large amount of my friends are very accepting, and are offering their couches for me! I of course have one option that is gonna be nice, my friend scottie and I are talking bout moving in together, since his parents want him out by his graduation in may. He also said I could stay with them as long as I need. :]
But the part that's pissing me off, is that I have all my stuff packed, early yes, but it makes it quicker to move on a dime, but it seems my stuff has a tendency to "just get up and walk out of my room into everyone else's stuff!" its like those damn laundry gnomes you know?
Lately I've been telling everyone that I want it all back, and I get bitched at being called a immature queen. Wtf?! Okay, first off, I paid for that, and I want it back so its not broken or stolen. My material needs are not that big of an issue, its my clothes that I am having issues with. I pay my price for fashion, and am guilty of buying expensive clothes. Sue me.

But to be called a queen because I want my stuff back is ridiculous. Fuck em.

And on top of that, my little brother pissed me off, and I almost knocked him out. The little kid, who let me say this first, is an immature 16 year old with a passion for pissing people off and thinking he can get away with it.
He called me a fagget. Yes. You heard me right. I don't care if your family or friend. You NEVER call me or anyone that. EVER. I was in his face yelling at him.

Back to my mom. She has medical problems. One of her discs in her spine is rotting, and its protruding into her spinal column. Pretty much she can't life anything of 50lbs. That's just a brief explenantion. But like a week ago, she texts me this "you're gonna have to figure out how to tell your brother, and not tell your little brother that I might have ovarion cancer"

A text message nonetheless, and i'm in my room. I get up and run to her room and ask. Are you fucking kidding me? I never told him. I had her do it. I couldn't. As soon as I went back to my room, I cried for hours, and fell asleep crying. I called my friend Teddy and Foster. Both listened to me sob my story choking on tears.

That's that on that issue. I'd rather not talk about it.

Now, with moving, I've got stress on my ass like no other.
And to top on top of that, I've got the issues with my broken home, and mothers medical problems. And work. Oh the dreaded work. Our head of directors recently came back, and my supervisor has been on my ass about everything. I'm the new guy to be exact.
And another thing, is that I did a HIV presentation at one of the local schools, and failed horribly. I stumbled over my words, and he knew it. After we left, the ride back to the office was quiet. He was pissed. I felt like I was stuck in a room with my father. Abusive and drunk.

I hate my job sometimes. But overall I love it. It comes with a lot of stigma, how so? Well being 19 and working as an HIV tester and doing online sexual health counseling at my age, gets me a lot of criticism. "your to young to know what its like to live with HIV" okay, yes I understand that i'm not FULLY experienced on how to explain to someone how it feels. But I have a passion to help MY community out. Why should I get hit in the face with bullshit because I want to help?

Ugh. This is my life people.

Back to my depression. (sorry for being so spacey. I'm rather pissed and uncomfortable)

I've had it for a while, and have attempted suicide 3 times in the 5 years I've lived in Alaska. Of course the winter darkness is a co factor, but the feeling of being isolated is what kills you the most. There have been events I haven't told people I've seen while living here. One that I will speak of, is the time I saw a man kill himself. I didn't see the actual event, but I was close enough and knew something was wrong with the situation when I walked by his car. Halfway down the street I heard the gunshot through my headphones. I came back an hour later and saw his body on the ground. Bloody. The sheet couldn't hide it. The stain that was left on the highway, the fucking stain I had to walk by EVERYDAY was what scared me.

I'm trailing off. The things I've experienced being here are nostalgic of course, but I feel I need to leave this state soon. Of course I don't want to leave my friends, but we all have to make amends with that someday. I'd been fully diagnosed with depression when I went to the hospital back in February of 2008.
I was living at a homeless shelter. Yes. I was homeless. Sad story.

But now I feel like lately, I feel i'm a stranger in the crowd. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and feel like a fish out of water. Its rather unfortunate and painful.

And to stack on top of that, I feel like my heart is failing me, not medically but metaphorically. I miss the feeling of being in someones arms, and waking up to someone next to me. Or watching them when they sleep. The phisiology of a sleeping man is mind boggling. It drives me to the point of wonder that makes me question all of existence.
Existentialism is something that confuses me to this day. So is the compassion that strangers can do for a person screaming for help.

I never get my depression for attention, and truly wonder why someone would want to do that. My emotions play my life, and its a bad thing.
I'm an emotional train wreck to be straight forward.
No idea why, wait....haha! Maybe its my past. Yeah. That's it.

Moving on. I just feel like i'm not ready to move on in this world, whereas my body is telling me to do so otherwise. Its a tale that will be written till I die. And your reading the chapters I choose to allow you to view I guess.

And to broach on the topic of drugs and anti depressants rather quickly, I choose not to take them, never have never will. I feel pumping yourself full of chemicals is just a way to make yourself blind to your true problems. It makes everything back burner. It makes your just another face in the crowd. Not someone who is a individual. I've seen too many people fall back three steps after taking those drugs. Period. I hate em and boycott them at all cost.

I guess, this is just some of the troubles of life. But whatever. I wish that my luck would change for the better, and that things go to better horizons, which I need. Only one person knows what I've gone through, and he knows my pain.

I'm done. Sleep well world, for one day, we shall all understand why we are plagued by these feelings. Until then, I guess I'll just take each left punch you throw and hold myself strong.

Fin.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone