This was originally a Creative Writing class assignment for high school, we had to do a memoir of ourselves so to speak, originally I only gave my teacher a portion of it, without the subnotes, due to the actualt overlook of what may have caused it.
This also is a little insight into my drug abuse of Marijuana. Yes, I did do drugs. :p and I admit that openly. But here goes! The subnotes will be set up like the following: (*subnote)
A Special Thanks To @RJDennis via Twitter for giving me the idea to post this.
Originally Wrote: October 24th, 2006
**Journal of Jared Krapfl**
Journal Entry Date: October 24, 2006
To This Wonderous book of carefully cut to precise fit papers.
The world all around me is distilling itself into a series of unspeakable tongues and forgeign literatures! I've tried to collect and analytze the facts and fiction that we are force-fed each day, but my toiling agony creeps up and eatroya all my further research. Its been two (2) years since the day that my mind had been corrupted (*Corrupted: the use of marijuana, which was an interesting time of use, it was hard to cope with it and letting my friends know about it, because I didn't know what to expect. I haven't told my family in wisconsin, so it will shock them, but when I told Jeff about it, he seemed real cool with it. Its just he was concerned with me possibly being to addicted to it, but it never got that bad and I've quite and made my pact due with him, which i'm glad, cause i'm treated like a person of normal respect when i'm around him.)
And it pains me to think of this world as just fictional fantasy land of joy and bliss...or is it that we are just living out an she's old scripture? Back a month ago, I blacked out in the middle of a store (!) in public, and at the time that I blacked out, my mind seemed to be colliding with the harsh realities of a reality not meant for our eyes and minds to see and that of some other unbelievable fantasy land (so to speak)...
After that day my mind has not worked very properly (*explained below further, but the sensations of being high were phenominal but at most times they aremeed very frightening and I wondered why I pulled myself into such a bad place.) or it might be infact that it is working properly it is just that I have unlocked more than meets the eye in my mind (?)...might I be going insane? People all around me seemed to stay the same, but the way that I perceive things as a true part of reality, sometime go off balance (*nothing seemed real or to be more precise everything felt like the complete grasp of an object seemed allmost in vein for me to think of it as real. Things seemed strange and at times they felt as if though I didn't belong or that my eyes and sight were playing trucks on me. I still know not what went on...) and I tend to think to metaphorical and grotesque thoughts flash across the mind....grotesque thoughts of what this world really is supposed to be like or if it's just that we are all not really here, and that we are just feeling things the way that we are programmed to sense them as (real)...I still haven't found the answer to my aching question which haunts me in my dreams.
Just two nights ago, after waking from a hellish sort of nightmare/dream, I awoke to what felt like the actual presence of my friend, (*The actual presence: when I say that I could sense the ACTUAL presence, I wasn't kidding at all, it felt as if though he was actually in my room with me, like his soul and body seemed to be there, but in a sort of spiritual presence form, which is what I felt. Its hard to explain. Part of this I belive to be is in part of the "blessing" ritual I have learned from my study of witchcraft, and it may be that my blessings may have been accepted fully from the ritual I do each night before bed....(?) this may be part of it, I don't know why, but I hopefully can get these questions of amazing proportion answered all in due time) who's who's imagery and personality (*personaility & imagery: there entire person and form as a normal person which I see each day, is what they seemed like, it was like I had the power to keep them EXACTLY the way that they deserved to be, not changed by some personaility we would want to apply, etc. They were the same as I see them, their clothes were changed, but it was them.) sifted themselves into my, let's call it a terror state and I dreamed that I saw him sometime from now (?) (*The place I saw him at seemed like it was a local Carr's <Which is a local Alaskan Grocery Store> and Walmary' but it was and has been in my dreams before, where as I've been "deeper" into the "store". Which is strange, is this a true place?) and he had a child (* he had a child, but when I looked he only had an empty stroller and a woman walked by or what looked like with him, but I don't know....) then later in that exact same time span or later, I saw him at what would be his "house". (* his house I've seen this part and him in a dream before I ever knew knew him, which I now remember, but it seemed odd.) I do not know if it was truly his house of if it was a false image, for I have never seen his home before...in the terror state, he gave me a skateboard (* it wasn't just given to me, it was sort of a gift, before this I seemed to travel on the side of an endless road with trees on the sides and forts in them, cars were scarce, but somehow my dream baclked and I remember being at his house and he's talking to me, but I couldn't understand anything he was saying. He gave me the board and after I left he was riding a spare skate in his driveway.), which I have logged myself onto the internet (a truly lovely device, but very deceptive...) and found that these images meant:
Skateboard - to see or ride a skateboard in your dream, indicates that you have the gift of making any difficult situation look easy. You carry yourself with style and great composure in the harefeat of situations. Alternatively, the dream signifies your free and fun-loving side. (which is from the site of: dreammoods.com)
The meaning of my good friend in it: to see your friends in your dream, signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to integrate these rejected part of yourself. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Additionally, this symbol foretells of happy yidungs from them and the arrival of good news. To see your childhood friend in your dream, signifies regression into your past where you had no responsibilities and things were much simpler and carefree. You may be wanting to escape the pressures and stresses of adulthood. Consider the relationship you had with this friend and the lessons that were learned. Alternatively, the childhood friend may be suggesting that you have been acting in a childish manne and you need to start acting like an adult. To dream that your best friend is dying, suggests that some aspect or quality that your best friend possess is dying with your own self. (which is courtesy of: dreammoods.com)
The majority of the terror state was intravenously powerful and when I awoke, I felt enlightened (* elightened, I felt very at peace. Like I could die that moment and feel at peace with my entire life and everyone else, it is what I believe monks call the ultimate state of tranquility or something that they try to achieve.) with myself and my friend (Jeff), (*Jeff Kohler, i'm glad that I met him, it was a weird start to meeting him, cause I emailed him and started my friendship that way, but then I started to talk with him and I've known him for almost 5 years now! He's instilled a friendship <like another friend of mine I've known for 3 years also> that I hope will never be broken, because the way I feel is as if though I am a normal part of society, and I have a person who will be there to listen to me and try to help and I'll listen to them.)
Which I have actually had happen to me once before (*this happened last year with my friend Lance Baker before he left his old place. It was a few months before, but it seemed odd to know it happened again. Each time though, certain [physical] attributes of the person stayed with me when I awoke. With each here is what was left.
Lance: the way I felt around him and the scent in the air seemed like he was actually there.
Jeff: I felt so ravished with the thought that I felt him there, I felt what I feel when I see him, his presence literally felt like it was there. It made me feel so cared for and as if though I didn't need to leave.)
I don't know what to call that period or feeling, but it is an indescribably feeling that is uncontrollably mystifying to my mind...these are some of the things that I think are keying up a possible turn of hears in my thoughts and movements in life....I just hope that I can control myself and nothing goes wrong with my mind, (hopefully it doesn't crack or something along the lines of that)...so this is good-bye for the day my good friend of papers, who conceals the. darkest secrets of a person...
<signed> Jared Michael Krapfl October 24th 2006
(*these are events, and are not to be taken as fiction. These notes are my insight on what may be going on. To repeat, these see are TRUE.)
(*FINAL NOTE: the way that this dream made me feel is that I want to share this with him, but I don't know what kind of trouble/fear (so to speak) might become instilled into him, but i'm gonna let him know. I now know that each dream I have now is going to be recorded and interpereted. Another thing that I may have to explain this that may contribute to it is, that I have stopped smoking marijuana and the begining part of this journal explains how I felt, so it may contribute to it. My study of psychology may help me get my answers to these. I will try to pry around)
So, to explain shortly on this, this was a project, but also a hopeful insight into what may have caused my nightmare.
And to also clarify, it has been roughly 2 years since I stopped smoking marijuana. :) go me!
Hope you enjoyed.
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