This happened at school nonetheless.
Dated: November 24th 2006
(Again, thanks to @RJDennis via Twitter for the idea to post these!)
<The Photo's included are a preview of how long and what the original looked like>
The Unquestionable Truth of What is Real and What Is Not...This Is Me.
What is true life? What's love? Why do I feel this, this urge and sense that my entire body is just a cold shell? I feel empty all of a sudden, for no reason! I feel a void that seems like its infinite and it'll never be able to be filled, everyone around me are falling in love, not i/this may be the problem? I haven't felt this way before, I mean I've had depression, and I hated that feeling, I felt as if though my entire life had no true purpose of sole existence of any means. I felt "empty" but not the way I do now, this feeling is greater and far more powerful than that time. Maybe it is because I don't have a girlfriend, maybe it is because i'm not in a relationship, or maybe its because I don't spend enough time/get rough time to spend with all my closest friends. First off all the people I hold dear and close to me, I would feel empty if I lost them. All of them: clif, Sarah, Shannon, Sarah B., Jeff, Josh, Lance, Darci and other. I would break down and probably never be able to recover. All those people are the ones who have made my life go to this exact place and time.
I wonder what they think of me? A friend, just some random person with an obsession over them or do they really accept me, listen to me for who I am, give me input, try to help and would be there if I got in an accident or died? How do I know? My entire life is spuning a downward spiral, to where? I can't tell or even guess where. My 3 (almost) years of being up here have been great! I've met people I'd never think I'd meet. I've done things I've never done or planned on doing! Jesus Christ! I've done things I shouldn't have at the same time, but all those/these choices that I've made are part of what I'd have never done, and gotten myself this far! 1 year of trying alcohol, that same year, the first time I got atoned. 2nd and 3rd year, talking to my family in the lower 48! I laugh and try at the same time I fear what might come out of all this after they find out all these "hidden secrets" of mine. During the 2nd year was my period of depression, I wanted/felt the need to die, but I knew that if I did that it would bring pain and other catatrophies to my family. Before I even moved up here I was angry one day and grazed my wrists with scissors and had marks. I wore long sleeve shirts for a week!
I felt as if though I had committed adultry against god! I felt horrible and cried myself to sleep. Then this year, I scream at my mother! My own mom! I felt like I deserved to be thrown into the deepest darkest hole and be tortured. The next day she forgave me after I asked her to forgive me. The entire summe I had to deal with a good friend, but he pissed me off a lot, with his friends and other "things". He would always ask me if I had weed, if I wanted to ALWAYS smoke, then smoke another, right after that! He was sort of on my shitlist, I had a grudge against him, but I let it go most of the time. He moved out. Didn't hear from him for a LONG time, then he came to get his stuff, then I saw him when I was playing pool at Minnesota Billiards! He looked a lot better than the last time I saw him, and I felt like he was a friend again, like the first time I met him.
There's tons of things I can write here about my experience and angers, and that's just snot what i'm going to do.
What this is, if anyone ever reads this, this isn't a journal, this is something new, not a biography, etc.
This is just what is me. This is me, Jared Krapfl, me, my life, my experiences. The hardships and feelings, thoughts and other shit that is ripping boundaries in my world. The next thing. Since I've gotten out my sudden feeling of sadness, but it comes/came back when I just thought about my friends, I feel like crying at every moment, but crying never solves anything in life, neither does taking my anger out on anything. There is no truly exclusive way for me to express my feelings, I've told them to my friends, they've listened but it still doesn't help.
I don't know any way I could get all this rage, emotions, sadness, dear, and everything else out! I want a clean slate! I don't want a counselor, I don't care how much they say it's easier for a person to talk to a total stranger, fuck that! Your telling all your personal problems, etc. To this person! If I could sit down with a few people in one pom and try to express and attempt to release all these feelings and personal demons, I would choose: clif, Jeff, and my sister Megan and Darci.
My life is becoming more "complex"...I've been having very [grotesque thoughts]: my "mind"/conscience/"complex" keeps "showing" me things that don't seem real anymore, like my reflection or even looking at a person, every aspect of them seems contorted, then perfectly normal, if i'm with a friend, nothing happens. Is this the long-term psychological effects of my use of marijuana? Or am I just going crazy?
I've tried to explain this "syndrome" to people/friends, but they say i'm weird and I make no sense. It scares me even now, after almost 4 months of sobriety! I've made a large mistake by saying that, but I need to get it off my chest. I made a pact to Jeff that my birthday would be my last day of smoking pot, but I failed and I feel I need to let him know. Which I know he will, because i'm making a copy of this for him and a few others, I just pray to god or any other higher brings out there, to please not allow him to disown or disrespect me. I'm sorry...
My thoughts I've been having make me fear, they are "telling" me that I should second guess whether or not this is all real. Is this all i'm going to do for the rest of my life? Do the same scheduled things each day? I'd rather have each day be spontaneous and random, things I'd never expect to happen would appear, its a drawback to. At the same time my entire life seems/seemed half-full, when I wrote 2 letters to 2 of my best friends, people who I care about so much: clif and Jeff. Inside these letters where words of emense kindness and care from a place I never knew I had in me.
Clife told me, that it was the nicest thing anyone has ever "told" him. I told him its cause its true. I've gone through a bunch of shit with him also, I've gotten drunk and almsot died of alcohol poisoning. He and I felt like shit. He never came back for half a year. On my 16th birthday, he was there. On my 17th birthday, he was there. Christmas, thanksgiving. He was there. I've become "attached" to him, and every day I don't/didn't get to see him, I felt like life would end, I never got to say goodbye. This is the same way I feel when I see everyone else, I want to find them, even if it's just to say good-bye, it makes me feel good.
I've gotten almost all my problems on paper, and I feel more "light". Meaning I feel like I've said almost enough to feel "normal". Completion is something I've always wanted, to feel complete, meaning I want to be able to express myself, do all those things I said in the begining, to make myself happy, but at the same time I'll probably distance myself from my friends. I wonder what my friends thing when they know i'm there but I don't stalk them. I wan't to know if they care for me, I want them to stay in touch with me other than phone and email. I want....a creation of everything new in my life. I want to know if people judge me due to rumors or if they judge me by what I wear, I don't give a fuck about fashion anymore, I'd rather wear something no one else wants to wear, than rather be part of a stereotypical, fully automatic, moving assembly line of look-a-like imitations who need to go with the trend! I wanna break the mold! But at the same time i'm scared. I'm scared that all my friends who see me do that may think differently of me.
This last thing is something I think is important for me to express:
I'M GLAD TO BE ALIVE, WITH ALL THE FRIENDS, FAMILY I'VE GOT/MADE.
Thank you to all and hopes of your dreams become true & that you accepted me as a friend/or a close friend
Jared Michael Krapfl
November 24th 2006
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