To explain a little on why I was here, is that the number one reason is because I did not have a place to live. Family couldn't take me in because of space issues, and in my incomplete life story, I made some choices that barred me from staying with family.
So my final option was to go to this shelter.
Here is my chapter from staying there.
I am only placing this and another key part to this journal in here, there is too much information to type, and hopefully sooner than later I will post the whole journal.
But for now, here is what I feel like sharing! Enjoi! :)
1-28-2008 COVENANT HOUSE (Day 1 - Chapel)
Why am I crying? Life is coming at me too fast, I don't want to end it either, I want to make it right. I want to be on that last train home. I'm so scared about being here, but I know I shouldn't, cause I know i'm safe but at the same time I still feel alone, even knowing Eric is one call away, I miss him now, as if though i'm worlds apart. I hate these feelings. I just want my life to be better and I know I'll probably get help from these guys.
Reed is a good guy, he's cool, but overall he's a good guy. The dude that looks like clif makes me smile and know that somethings work out when we put ourselves to the test. He told me i'm pretty stable for doing this, I mean coming out so soon had being 18 and dealing with drama and jowing my mom is going to be living in her van possibly, he's great, I mean he kinda showed me in a sense, how caring people I've NEVER met can be. I KNOW I can make my life better, if I put myself to the test and push forward in my life and continue to strive towards my goals. I know I,m gonna need to get my ass into gear, and get shit going. I mean, their helping me in ways I wasn't putting my full potential too! They're helping me with my life, and the nurse lady is helping me by sending in an STD test, I know i'm clean, but I need to check. I also have been looking into a dermitologist for me, which is great! I think that i'm realizing that people I've never met can help me with my life, but all they want in return is to see ME complete it. They're sort of just my stepping stone in the pond.
I know I shouldn't have just broken down, but I couldn't hold it back, it was just eating at me more and more. It hurts for me to be this way and I know it probably hurts them to see someone so young in such a bad situation. I know i'm gonna try to make my life more better each day, and try to keep in contact with mom and everyone, and Eric. I'm gonna try to push myself to get better and to be more stable and stronger in my life, no more letting me have my emotions take over. I need to feel in complete control over all of my emotions, have control over my life, not my life having control over me. I want to write my own future and forget the past.
I am going to strive to be a better person, and take back MY life. No more mr. Fucking nice guy world. Here comes Jared Michael Krapfl. And i'm coming back with avengeance! Now i'm feeling a little better, i'm getting ready for bed, which doesn't seem odd. I mean I feel safe for now. It smells a little funny though =P
But the view from this room is beautiful, I can see town square! The ice sculptures are all lit up, and there's a light snow flurry, not strong, it looks like something out of a movie. I kinda peeked my head out of the window and had to take a look. The breeze on my face cooled down the burning sensation from my years. Which still kinda burn a little. I can still feel the stinging on my temples. Chris is the name of the guy who looks like clif. I also made a friend my first day! Well I actually made a few. I met "Frog" as she tells me to call her, she's a pretty cool girl, the other kids are pretty calm to. Tomorrow i'm getting up at 6, i'm gonna eat some breakfast and call mom and Eric. Then i'm gonna go over to the kaladi brothers and apply, the attend JDP (job development program) and find a job. Maybe get a little help with that situation. I haven't met my roomate yet either. I hear he's crazy...
2nd Day @ Covenant
So about right now its like oh roughly 5:42am in the morning, I didn't sleep that well, I was in and out of it, having dreams that ranged from violence to joy pepain and pleasure. I don't remember them in particular, but I know what they were, dreams are such a funny thing. Its just the body's mind sorting out everything, memories, thoughts, etc. And its just sorting them out, filing them away. It's sort of like we're just watching a movie, but the projectionist is having to find the right movie reel. I feel better, but still everything is just starting so fast. And I just want to make it slow down. So I can see what I can do to help. Today I get to find out who my case manager is, i'm hoping its either chris or Reed. I've been watching the lights in town square all night, just watching them, I can't really are the ice set cause the tree's but the lights are some what drawing me in to them, making me feel better inside. Now its time to go downstairs. Got up at 6.
Doesn't seem like 6 sleesdy. Its still dark outside, but my stomach is a rumblin, and i'm ready for some grub!
I put my stuff away into the locker in my room, which the locked is marked with the number 2. The name of the room I don't know yet, but I will look at it when I leave for downstairs. I picked up a copy of the yahoo! Hotjobs paper and was unsuccessful, most of those jobs I guess seemed to be office, clerical or out of town and they all required 2+ years of experience. Not me! I'll go on the Alexsys system later and find someone probably especially since i'm downtown. I finished this book called "Shotgun Opera" and wow, that was a GREAT book, it was amazingly intense, i've only been reading it since yesterday too, which is good timing, it was of course a good read, but I don't know what i'm gonna do next. I'm still tired as hell, and my eyes feel and look like i'm atoned, but i'm not, I think it was something on the pillow case, maybe I got an allergic reaction to something? Whatever it is, I know its going away, last night I couldn't sleep cause my eyes burned from crying. I feel like I should be in hand and ankle shakles for some reason, I just feel boxed in too, but I don't at the same time, I guess its just having to follow rules and being watched by camera, is what makes me feel like i'm in shackels. Maybe i'm just bring insecure. I don't know i'm trying to keep my distance from everyone. I don't know why, but I feel like i'm out of place here, cause everyone seems to act all big and bad here.
***This is the end of the journal for now.....I am inserting a final entry after this point***
this is originally writen in my journal, and i feel the need to share it with others to see if they understand me more now. possibly? or maybe youll just think im more psychotic than i already am.
ive finally realized im a victim of conforming conflicts. i dont know why, butim realizinga lot of things, like the little things, that people overlook.i mean when i was in the shower, i was thinking of how much i realize thing like reality wise. like i actualy think of how something affects someone at any moment, a mistake or a good deed. anything we do can make a great outcome to someone. its strange how each day, we lie to everyone, even OURSELVES!
most people dont think of it, i mean every time we smile and shake hands, and say oh yeah, im doing great or oh my days kinda bad blah blah blah. were lying ALL THE TIME!
the truth is that we are just covering up our truths with lies to make everything seem okay to everyone else or try to get sympathy.whatever the choice is, its all just a lie. when we go to sleep, we overlook our day, yet always forget the tragedy or bad. we try to look at the bright side to not feel depressed. but the truth is this, that we are living a life of complete lies.i cant sleep now, i feel so odd and out of sync with the world now. i mean, i feel like im the only one whos on this specific level of thought process, even though people will say that they are at the same place. i mean its strange how we lie. we say one thing to cover up the truth, but refuse to let the truth out, cause we feel someone might think of us differently. being insane so to speak.maybe its just that ive conjured up a thought process that collaberates my cognative thinking and thought process of life to a greater standard that boggles even me? maybe its because when i smoked pot, i thought to much about life? maybe? but i dont think that thinking while under the influence is bad? maybe its good for us? i mean i feel alone cause i think so highly and differently of life. it is strange how we as people cringe in fear at things and say were gonna live life to the fullest, when in fact we dont!
i feel myself concluding this but i dont want to, cause i feel like i might be onto something that might help me figure this out more. maybe im just always paranoid and thinking to much? hmmm. im confused now.
after this point, i stopped writing and watched a movie called THE NINES. here is the journal afterwards from watching that movie.
p.s. look for the NINES
im so numb to the fact about everything now, i feel absolutely confused, estranged and to the utmost extent absolute. after watching this strange movie THE NINES, ive realized a lot but i cant seem to express if i just suddenly feel like i finally understnad what adriana was trying to tell me, just about oh ten minutes ago, i was looking at myself in the mirror, and i felt numb. like absolutely numb. i could feel everything, but it felt so routine like my life feels like its so planned out, and im just following it out. but this may be a bump in the road or a missing page in the book. ithink i need tro talk to reed tomorrow about this, i made a wrist band. blue.i have no idea or recolection why i made it either, and i am for some strange reeason feeling like this is not me even writing this. ive had (this part is unreadable even to me)
but just now, even i looked backwards at my writing, it feels and makes me wonder what is wrong...or maybe this is just what i need in my life? a new comprehensive complex rebuilding of my life.the street lights just danced also.it seems so funy how we rule our lives all tgether by one person and also at the same time. NUMBERS.
the streets signs blink at a rate of numerical calculations, we as humans and our hearts beat is NUMERICAL beats. and timing.STRANGE?
what is my number in life?
a number that is my life?
i choose this one now..
i am 13, jared michael krapfl.
born June 15th, 1989
Now here is another thing that i didnt know i wrote. a letter to myself.
Dear Jared,i think your going insane, i believe you with all your philisophical ideas, etc, but this is considered unnatural in societies eyes, and its gonna make you end up in a bad place.when you read this, try not to think to hard about when you wrote this, you are completely bling to society, and yes.you are listening to violent j - wizard of the hood.thanks for listening! yourself,
(signed jared michael krapfl)
its strange, this day, this morning to be exact./
when i wrote this first part of m new blog,/
it was strange to write it, to even read my own words./
when i looked outside and was overviewing the outside/
everything seemed different/
less routine, less same shit different day style of life/
i felt like inducing myself to vomit for some reason/
i dont know why though, it was strange/
i mean i realized and woke up feeling the same as i did when i went to bed/
confused and more awake to the reality of life/
i still feel that way, but everything seems different/
less routine/more sporatic/
i feel so free now for some reason/like ive broken off from the simple mold of everyday lifestyles that compel us to be one/
strange things are happening to me/
and i joyfully accept them now/
you may think im going insane probably/
but i think that im just opening new doors to a better horizon/
i think ive figured it out...well a small portion of it anyways.the reason why i had those thoughts, is cause of sleep deprivation....well actually its not a total case of SD, but its a mild form,i realized it last night when i was up at 130 something or around that in the morning in bed trying to sleep.
my body was telling me to go to sleep,but my mind was like....WAKE THE FUCK UP!
and then the thoughts came.everything...again and again.i dont know why it seems to be like that, but i didnt feel tired, i felt awake. like my body was tired, but my mind was on overdrive.its strange.well i guess maybe im finding out more about it, or its just my mind is to overworked?
hmm...im gonna get back to my buddhism reading now....
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