I feel so uncomfortable all of a sudden.
I have no idea as to why, but one key co factor to it is probably my depression. Its been starting to take its claws and sinking them into my back.
To explain, I've had depression for quiet some time now, the exact time frame is unknown, it may be caused by my past abuse from my father as a child, but I know my childhood was rather adventurous and full of joy, I never experienced the overwhelming feeling of lonliness and seclusion.
But of course most children don't experience that or think its just cause they are sad I guess. Who knows, most of us can't determine the answer.
But lately, I've been doing well with keeping my depression at bay and keeping it from breaching the turbulant waters it rests in. I mean I've had a crazy fucking month. Let me tell you that. February was a month filled with tragedy, pain and a lot of bullshit and drama. Its a new month, but let's just recap.
Throughout the month, I of course had a lot riding on my shoulders, I had some bad days, as you can read in a few of my past posts. But to explain events that weren't blogged about, is because I wasn't ready to let them go.
First off, my mother. She is an amazing woman, and has done a lot. But she Has her moments where she can change from being a nice woman to a complete and utter bitch. And lately, she's been doing the latter to me. She is very straightforward about it and obviously doesn't care I have feelings. I swear, to explain what its like to be at my house is too much energy. I try to keep it secret. I have been raised in a broken home, and had too much happen in my past. But lately, I feel like i'm a ghost at home. No one acknowledges I even exist!
I basically am here only to sleep, shower and eat. The rest of the time i'm either working or out with friends. I practically am only made a human when someone needs something or is there to scream at me about something that they suspected me to do. What the hell is the point of living in a home like this when your nothing but a ghost? I hate it, this house I just a burning pot of drama and lies and deceit and thriving eloquence.
On top of that, i'm having to move by the end of the month, so i'm literally at wits end and teetering on a tight rope right now. How so? Well, I only work a part time job, and have no cash saved up, I also have to worry about WHERE i'm going to stay, and how I'll make enough money to live. To explain in one line. I live paycheck to paycheck. No joke. I'm always broke.
Recently, I just paid off my bank account, and have realized what needs to be done for me to be financially stable.
The other thing is finding WHERE i'm gonna stay. I mean a large amount of my friends are very accepting, and are offering their couches for me! I of course have one option that is gonna be nice, my friend scottie and I are talking bout moving in together, since his parents want him out by his graduation in may. He also said I could stay with them as long as I need. :]
But the part that's pissing me off, is that I have all my stuff packed, early yes, but it makes it quicker to move on a dime, but it seems my stuff has a tendency to "just get up and walk out of my room into everyone else's stuff!" its like those damn laundry gnomes you know?
Lately I've been telling everyone that I want it all back, and I get bitched at being called a immature queen. Wtf?! Okay, first off, I paid for that, and I want it back so its not broken or stolen. My material needs are not that big of an issue, its my clothes that I am having issues with. I pay my price for fashion, and am guilty of buying expensive clothes. Sue me.
But to be called a queen because I want my stuff back is ridiculous. Fuck em.
And on top of that, my little brother pissed me off, and I almost knocked him out. The little kid, who let me say this first, is an immature 16 year old with a passion for pissing people off and thinking he can get away with it.
He called me a fagget. Yes. You heard me right. I don't care if your family or friend. You NEVER call me or anyone that. EVER. I was in his face yelling at him.
Back to my mom. She has medical problems. One of her discs in her spine is rotting, and its protruding into her spinal column. Pretty much she can't life anything of 50lbs. That's just a brief explenantion. But like a week ago, she texts me this "you're gonna have to figure out how to tell your brother, and not tell your little brother that I might have ovarion cancer"
A text message nonetheless, and i'm in my room. I get up and run to her room and ask. Are you fucking kidding me? I never told him. I had her do it. I couldn't. As soon as I went back to my room, I cried for hours, and fell asleep crying. I called my friend Teddy and Foster. Both listened to me sob my story choking on tears.
That's that on that issue. I'd rather not talk about it.
Now, with moving, I've got stress on my ass like no other.
And to top on top of that, I've got the issues with my broken home, and mothers medical problems. And work. Oh the dreaded work. Our head of directors recently came back, and my supervisor has been on my ass about everything. I'm the new guy to be exact.
And another thing, is that I did a HIV presentation at one of the local schools, and failed horribly. I stumbled over my words, and he knew it. After we left, the ride back to the office was quiet. He was pissed. I felt like I was stuck in a room with my father. Abusive and drunk.
I hate my job sometimes. But overall I love it. It comes with a lot of stigma, how so? Well being 19 and working as an HIV tester and doing online sexual health counseling at my age, gets me a lot of criticism. "your to young to know what its like to live with HIV" okay, yes I understand that i'm not FULLY experienced on how to explain to someone how it feels. But I have a passion to help MY community out. Why should I get hit in the face with bullshit because I want to help?
Ugh. This is my life people.
Back to my depression. (sorry for being so spacey. I'm rather pissed and uncomfortable)
I've had it for a while, and have attempted suicide 3 times in the 5 years I've lived in Alaska. Of course the winter darkness is a co factor, but the feeling of being isolated is what kills you the most. There have been events I haven't told people I've seen while living here. One that I will speak of, is the time I saw a man kill himself. I didn't see the actual event, but I was close enough and knew something was wrong with the situation when I walked by his car. Halfway down the street I heard the gunshot through my headphones. I came back an hour later and saw his body on the ground. Bloody. The sheet couldn't hide it. The stain that was left on the highway, the fucking stain I had to walk by EVERYDAY was what scared me.
I'm trailing off. The things I've experienced being here are nostalgic of course, but I feel I need to leave this state soon. Of course I don't want to leave my friends, but we all have to make amends with that someday. I'd been fully diagnosed with depression when I went to the hospital back in February of 2008.
I was living at a homeless shelter. Yes. I was homeless. Sad story.
But now I feel like lately, I feel i'm a stranger in the crowd. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and feel like a fish out of water. Its rather unfortunate and painful.
And to stack on top of that, I feel like my heart is failing me, not medically but metaphorically. I miss the feeling of being in someones arms, and waking up to someone next to me. Or watching them when they sleep. The phisiology of a sleeping man is mind boggling. It drives me to the point of wonder that makes me question all of existence.
Existentialism is something that confuses me to this day. So is the compassion that strangers can do for a person screaming for help.
I never get my depression for attention, and truly wonder why someone would want to do that. My emotions play my life, and its a bad thing.
I'm an emotional train wreck to be straight forward.
No idea why, wait....haha! Maybe its my past. Yeah. That's it.
Moving on. I just feel like i'm not ready to move on in this world, whereas my body is telling me to do so otherwise. Its a tale that will be written till I die. And your reading the chapters I choose to allow you to view I guess.
And to broach on the topic of drugs and anti depressants rather quickly, I choose not to take them, never have never will. I feel pumping yourself full of chemicals is just a way to make yourself blind to your true problems. It makes everything back burner. It makes your just another face in the crowd. Not someone who is a individual. I've seen too many people fall back three steps after taking those drugs. Period. I hate em and boycott them at all cost.
I guess, this is just some of the troubles of life. But whatever. I wish that my luck would change for the better, and that things go to better horizons, which I need. Only one person knows what I've gone through, and he knows my pain.
I'm done. Sleep well world, for one day, we shall all understand why we are plagued by these feelings. Until then, I guess I'll just take each left punch you throw and hold myself strong.
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